My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

I disagree. He has betrayed his child if he moves abroad away from her. He will never have the same relationship with her or be able to offer the support that he should want to from so far away. Shame on him. Appalling priorities.

A good friend of mine fell in love with a long divorced American guy she originally met at a conference he was attending in the UK. They were great together long distance. However he had a 12 year old daughter in the USA. She wouldn’t move away from her family and told him she would never ever choose to be with a man who would leave his child. They spilt but remained on good terms. That’s decent people.

Yes. You can't fulfil your parental responsibilities if you choose to live in another country. He has betrayed his daughter.

This is a choice he is making - to not be present in his child's life, for her to grow up with only one actively involved parent.

He is choosing to cause his daughter trauma in order to be able to live with his girlfriend.

His daughter didn't choose to be born, he decided to go ahead and have a child with OP. He is now abdicating all responsibility. If he were a decent Dad, he would stay near his daughter to be a part of her life. He's choosing not to.

Thank goodness OP's daughter has one decent parent in her life.

Noone is saying he's a decent parent but the point is that the dd has a right to have as good a relationship with him as he will facilitate for as long as she wants it. Its all about her, not him.

I think all of this is good advice.

You’re dealing with someone who lied to you for six months and is now proposing to see their child for one weekend a month. That isn’t someone who you can trust to do the right thing.

He’ll also likely come under spending pressure from the 27 year old girlfriend so I suspect that financially doing right by you and your daughter will not be a high priority.

as good a relationship with his as he will facilitate

Well that's the question isn't it. He's chosen to upend her life because of a 27 year old woman he's known for 6 months.

He's lied, and he's demanding things his way .

He only goes to talk to OP when the other woman is upset, not to talk about DD's wellbeing.

He doesn't seem to realise that him lovebombing her for a week then disappearing forever isn't conducive to great mental health and wellbeing for a 7 year old. It's all about him.

Would you trust such a man to turn up to get your child when she's been promised a holiday to Spain? Because I wouldn't. He needs to prove himself as capable of thinking of his DD's needs, not his, before it is safe to trust her to his care alone.

What if DD's in Spain with him and his new gf alone, and the 27 year old is fed up of babysitting and wants to go out. Would they leave the 7 year old home alone?

OP has been blindsided, she doesn't know how far she can trust him. He needs to build trust. My prediction is he won't do this. I think the 'monthly visits' are bullshit and OP needs to be careful about how much she promises her child for the child's wellbeing.

On a much, much, much less significant level one set of my DD's grandparents would always promise to turn up for stuff then not do so. In the end my DH said 'no more' - he said that we absolutely shouldn't promise the grandparents will show up, they can make plans which DD won't know about and then if they turn up it's a nice surprise, but being disappointed over and over and over again and it being made clear she wasn't the priority was becoming very upsetting for her and affecting her wellbeing. So we refused to play along. It was much better all around. DD now doesn't know about the many times her grandparents let her down.

Yes sure, but time will tell. I strongly suspect he will fade out quite quickly but until then, the OP is right to not try and put additional barriers in the way. For as long as contact is a positive thing, and that may vary, it would be wrong to make it more difficult than it needs to be out of spite.

Of course he has betrayed his child. He hasn’t fallen out of love with her mother, respectfully ended the relationship and made extensive plans to have DD at least 50/50. He has hurt the child’s mother in the worst possible way (how hard must it be to parent in this situation?) and is fucking off to a different country, with some “strength sending” shallow fool, to see DD only on high days and holidays, leaving all the actual parenting to the woman he’s hurt so much. Where in any of that is he putting DD first? Yes, I’d consider that betrayal.

Yes it is. I absolutely think my ex betrayed his kids. But its not about him. At a young age, it's best if they don't see it as anything at all to do with them and can continue to build a relationship with that parent as they grow, if possible. As they get older and have a better idea about relationships they may choose to reassess that on their own terms.

Absolutely he has cheated on his daughter by cheating on his wife.

It's that disingenuous 'logic' employed by many Brexiters: the EU is racist and exclusionary because most people in Europe are white – won't someone think of the poor non-white people who can't come to work in the EU so easily/the poor non-white countries that can't take advantage of EU tariff-free trade and lack of red tape.

I don't think anyone's suggesting that. Everyone's suggesting to be cautious so that her child is well safeguarded and her wellbeing protected. E.g. his idea of having DD for a week at the grandparents then landing the bombshell of him leaving is not a great idea. Yes, she should see him, but spending a week with him alone without OP I don't think is a good idea. She needs consistency and safety and that can only come from OP right now given her father's actions and decisions for the future.

He's such a shit. How can anyone do that to a 7 year old?

So she knew full well he was married with a child but decided to continue! Wow! That says a lot. How did you reply to that?!? I think I would have said "I did speak with my husband about this, but part of me thought perhaps you're actually a nice person and had no idea he was married with a child. But you did know this, so that gives me all the information I needed to know about you...".

English is clearly not her first language which is why it reads like that though.

I would absolutely NOT be allowing your DD to go to Spain for half the summer holiday. Does your DH really think it is all that straight forward??

And the ironic thing is the poor non white people are exactly the immigrants that the vast percentage of Brexit voters ‘don’t’ want - but it makes them sound like their Brexit vote was a teeny bit less all about race to add that in the mix - and of course you do have a percentage of the ethnic vote that genuinely saw advantages to being able to get their family in easier - the right wing Farage lot actually had the cheek to leaflet as such in the appropriate languages in predominantly Muslim areas - not because they actually welcome non white, non EU immigration , but they sniffed a vote or two!! I never forget the absolute numpty interviewed on vox pop in my original home town Mansfield and shown on bBC news who when they asked him about immigration and the Brexit vote( this was just before the referendum) said ‘I don’t have a problem with people from the EU, we had loads of Polish here and they are hard workers’ - it’s all those Muslims we’ve got too many of ‘. Interviewer said ‘well what’s that got to do with the EU referendum though? ‘ he just gave a blank expression, said ‘eh’ and walked off - that sums up to be frank a fair bit of that vote- not all, but a lot - they also never allow for the fact a lot of Asian and black people are as British as myself, they were born here and have always lived here.

anyway I don’t detract as not purpose of thread and I really feel for the poster - I think her Husband is an utter shit and the woman is a disgrace - hope it goes totally to shit for them .

I just can't understand how this man is consciously opting out of a meaningful relationship with his young daughter.

He really is an utter shit.

I think you mean Remainers?

No, I mean Brexiters. It's a well-rehearsed argument: rather than having an EU with freedom of movement and trade etc, which means freedom of movement and trade within a largely white bloc of countries and is therefore (in this argument's view) exclusionary of non-white people and countries, we should leave it and instead make trade and other deals with other, not-white-majority, countries.

I cannot imagine Farage making that argument….

I didn't say Farage personally/specifically (although I wouldn't bet that he didn't say something like that, I don't remember).
It's an argument I heard a lot on SM etc around the run-up to the referendum.

You’ve muddled up what I was saying.

I was saying it’s a shame that not everyone has the chance to “just go and live in Spain” as we did when we were in the EU. I was thinking it’s a shame that this POS has got an advantage in the job market because he can (along with other people).

Then I thought to myself, a lot of the people who have parents / Grandparents from EU countries will be white (obviously not all but many), so Brexit has probably shifted the balance in the job market even more in favour of white people.

I am as far from being a Brexiter as it is possible to be - I’m as much a remainer / rejoiner as it’s possible to be. It just stuck me that this POS is getting advantages over others due to having a Dutch father because of Brexit - if we were in the EU everyone would have those opportunities.

I’m also white and have an Italian mother - I wasn’t moaning on my own behalf!

Dragging the Brexit debate into this is so fucking boring.

That’s the same with all countries. People with foreign parents have the ability to get a foreign passport that others don’t.

It’s not a two tier system. It’s life.

There is no debate, only facts. Saying otherwise is so fucking boring.

How are you getting on?