Why does no one talk about the more extreme traits of ADHD?

[Cantfinishanything]

My credit score is in hell. Multiple CCJs due to just forgetting parking tickets or not being able to cope.
Obese.
Problems with addiction and overspending.
Fixations I can’t move on from. Even though I know it’s boring to those around me.
Cant discipline my children as I can’t stick to rules even ones I’ve set myself.
In trouble at work due to not being able to do the parts of the job I find boring.
Constant interrupting even though I know I do it and I try really hard not to.
Lateness, being eternally bloody late even with waking up at 5 and feeling ready to go about an hour before I need to. Yes I know it’s rude.
Terrible at relationships as everything feels like it’s controlling and claustrophobic.
Poor physical health, cant stick to things even taking vitamins or exercise classes.
I spend so long just hating and feeling frustrated at myself.
Yet everyone thinks they have ADHD these days so why do I find it so hard to talk to people about these things? How can we have the same condition and yet you have a mortgage, successful marriage, beautiful well behaved children, stick to a routine, go to the gym and run marathons?

I hear you. My child is a young adult with severe ADHD (and other diagnoses) and I can see them struggling with some of the things you've described.
I dont have any answers, only that people fundamentally misunderstand the effects of ADHD.

You don’t know what struggles are going in behind the ‘successful life’ though do you. I think people can have a lot of these traits but still manage to muddle through with routines and good systems in place.

I don't have many answers, but sometimes this:
stick to a routine, go to the gym and run marathons
is actually the only way that people stay on top of things. In some, it becomes the substitute addiction, I think.

A few years ago, everyone was self diagnosing as autistic (because they don't like hugs or have 2 drinks on the go at once) and now everyone is self diagnosing as having ADHD because they get easily distracted from boring housework. A bit like people who describe themselves as having OCD because they like to organise the dishwasher in a certain way.

So, some of the people you read about who have adhd will be self diagnosed. And people like to talk about the 'cute' or more endearing traits because they aren't so debilitating.

I used to be in a couple of online support groups for autistic women but they were pretty much all self diagnosed and most of the discussions were them trying to prove to themselves and each other that they were actually autistic.

And also because some people have more support and someone in their life who picks up the harder stuff. And because it's a spectrum.

There are no easy solutions for the harder aspects.

I have ADHD and it sort of goes in cycles, sometimes I get hyper organised and other times I feel like I am falling apart.

I do a really good job of masking, though. People seem to think I've got it all together.

It's a bit different for all of us, I think.

Yet everyone thinks they have ADHD these days so why do I find it so hard to talk to people about these things? How can we have the same condition and yet you have a mortgage, successful marriage, beautiful well behaved children, stick to a routine, go to the gym and run marathons?

Leaving aside the exaggeration, this will be because different conditions affect different individuals in different ways.

@Teleronbut surely being able to implement these strategies, systems and routines mean they’re actually more neurotypical. Because that’s what everyone does, I’m sure most people want to stay in bed and be late for work but most aren’t because they implement systems. But for some, delaying that gratification is very very difficult and is impossible most days.

Yeah a lot of people say it now without thinking how it actually is offensive to those of us diagnosed. Are you taking medication for it op? I take concerta and honestly find my focus far better since going on the meds. That said i am also now post menopausal so a lot of my 'symptoms' were exacerbated by peri menopause but the concerta has definitely helped.

Do you listen to ADHD chatter podcast? They sometimes talk about The ADHD tax.

Are you on any medication?

@Anonanonanonagainno I’m not, I keep meaning to ring and ask for a meds review.

I think what you are describing is the outcome i am working extremely hard to ensure ds avoids. People with adhd can do all the "right" things, its just much harder. So they need tools and processes and, often, meds to help them.

And I think a benefit of talking abojt and diagnosing adhd in children helps to set these up for adulthood in a way that didnt happen for others. My brother suffers much as you write about yourself, because 40 years ago understanding.adhd and how to manage it was light years behind.

Do you have support? Are you medicated? I have heard of adult life coaches working with adult adhd people.to help them with these things. Is that something you can look at?

Re getting out the door in the morning, the best advice i can give you there is not ro get up early, but rather to focus on getting everything done the night before. So that the morning is as easy and painless as possible. Dh and ds would both rather go to bed later knowing its apl sorted and they can have the extra sleep and just get up and go.

I just find it lonely, I can’t talk openly about being rejected by the bank for a mortgage, I can’t openly talk about binge eating or crying in my car because I’ve missed another deadline or my kid hates me as I forget everything and they’re late or miss school trips. Everyone might be scatty or masking but I’m majorly fucking up my life. It’s not the same.

I’m with you OP. My son has severe ADHD and at age 10 still can’t read or dress himself. He doesn’t have learning disabilities just cannot remember the steps. It’s very life limiting - he will be unlikely to ever hold down a job, and we will advise him against parenthood most likely.

I do find it triggering seeing people with high functioning jobs etc banging on about how hard it is ‘masking’. I mean yeah it’s hard. But not as hard as having a condition with a high enough severity you can’t mask it.

I experience many of the things on your list bar the CCJs and obesity. Most of the people around me (probably everyone except my husband) would think I am successful and on top of things because I'm very, very good at masking and my life is a constant whirlwind of stress trying to keep things ticking over. As soon as I relax for even moment it all depends into chaos.

I do look after my body - I eat well, do yoga and run long distances - because I know I can't function at all if I don't feel healthy, and because I need a high level of exercise to stay mentally and emotionally on top of things.

I could have written this!

I am all those things in your OP, but I also have a mortgage, marriage, kids, steady job - but you can’t see how much I’m struggling on the inside.

i will never be motivated or interested enough to run a marathon though. Unless i decide one day that i want it to become my hyperfocus.

I feel like a complete walking contradiction!

Im sorry OP, that's hard. I would recommend that you seek out some support groups for people with ADHD. If you can access counseling or life coaching, I would also highly recommend that. Taking the first steps to access this is the really hard part, but I believe you'll find it hugely helpful once you do.

Welllllll yes and no. I mean sure, yes. But people with extreme ADHD will not be able to mask it.

Just like with autism. Sure some people can mask. But if you’re pre verbal and still in nappies, you won’t be able to mask it. So equating one set of problems with another isn’t really the same is it.

Sure, all problems are problems. But some problems are worse than others.

It's not just that - there will be other circumstances that have enabled those people to remain regulated - fewer other sources of stress perhaps, a job that suits their traits, a different support system, more of a safety net.

I sympathise though - I remember seeing a thread asking "how much has your ADHD tax cost you?" And I couldn't understand how adults were answering eith amounts less than £1000s if not 10 times that.

What help have you got and what help are you getting? When do you feel most able to cope?

I think you’ve answered your own question- I suspect a lot of people find it hard to talk about these things. And people project a vision of the world that they want others to see.

I’m pretty good with exercise and healthyish eating is something I’ve always been interested in and I genuinely enjoy it so that’s not an issue. It helps me cope with an otherwise quite messy life I think.

You need to be medicated OP.

My husband was very resistant to being medicated for years. So so so many mental health issues as a result of this.

He is a different person when medicated. It took a while
trying a combination of different ADHD and SSRI type medications, but the difference when he’s on them is enormous.

Without medication he’s basically a non functional 12 year old.

With medication he’s a functioning adult, just about.

You need to see a psychiatrist to get properly medicated.

I have a tidy husband. I know I drive him mad, but try really hard not to. He actually understands though; he’s learnt not to nag.

I fill my time with stuff organised by other people- have 3 jobs. If left to me I’d do very little.

People think I’m on it because I’m always busy, but on my days off, I find time management really difficult.

How old are your children OP?

Are they old enough to help write things down on a wall calendar, and get a little organised to help their lovely mum? Bright pens, stickers, encourage some fun with it and hopefully they can help remind mum as events near.

Please don't feel bad, you're poorly, please try and get yourself to the doctor for some help. Take good care of you.

I agree. Adhd can be devastating and lead to serious addiction, mental illness and suicide. My ds1 is particularly badly affected. On paper he's doing well, but behind the scenes it's a different story. His physical health is suffering and I don't know whether he'll ever manage a relationship, which means he won't be able to afford a house or flat. It breaks my heart.

My adhd is largely kept in check by my autism, but my physical health is knackered and I now have a serious lifespan shortening condition as a result of it.

ND also comes with a myriad of difficult to manage and uncomfortable physical conditions which the NHS aren't interested in. It causes depression which leads to physical illness as well.

I could write all day about how it affects people, but the common perception is that it's about being loud, naughty and having difficulty focusing. Oh, and losing your house keys (I have never actually lost my house keys 🙄.

My dd has adhd.

she is not a functioning adult and she only functioned as a child due to massive amounts of family support.

she is also obese and binge eats.
she had automatic extensions on assignments at uni but still managed to fail a year and nearly fail another year and only finished the damn thing when she ran out if funding and had to come home and study,

I hear you. Everyone acknowledges it’s a spectrum without really acknowledging it iyswim?