Why does no one talk about the more extreme traits of ADHD?

[Cantfinishanything]

My credit score is in hell. Multiple CCJs due to just forgetting parking tickets or not being able to cope.
Obese.
Problems with addiction and overspending.
Fixations I can’t move on from. Even though I know it’s boring to those around me.
Cant discipline my children as I can’t stick to rules even ones I’ve set myself.
In trouble at work due to not being able to do the parts of the job I find boring.
Constant interrupting even though I know I do it and I try really hard not to.
Lateness, being eternally bloody late even with waking up at 5 and feeling ready to go about an hour before I need to. Yes I know it’s rude.
Terrible at relationships as everything feels like it’s controlling and claustrophobic.
Poor physical health, cant stick to things even taking vitamins or exercise classes.
I spend so long just hating and feeling frustrated at myself.
Yet everyone thinks they have ADHD these days so why do I find it so hard to talk to people about these things? How can we have the same condition and yet you have a mortgage, successful marriage, beautiful well behaved children, stick to a routine, go to the gym and run marathons?

If I'm honest, when I read the heading, I was thinking more along the lines of extreme emotional dysregulation, walking on eggshells, impulsive outbursts and very sensitive to percieved rejection.

This. A lot of people have a lot of coping strategies that are not labelled as such. Cleaning, making lists, routines over and over.

Try just one change and try and stick to it until it's stuck then add another.

I'm a lot like you though @Cantfinishanything I'm drowning under unfinished projects.

I use chatgbt to help me get through overwhelm and disorganization

Controversial opinion here, but if someone is able to manage their behaviour without meds and through simply sticking to routine, is it really ADHD? Surely that's just someone who needs routine? ADHD is disabling. If you are not disabled by it, then you're not disabled!

Agree - this is me. In my 20s, I had a bad problem with addiction, risky behaviour, and lost one job because of terminal lateness and inability to focus on the elements I found boring. Didn't get an AHDH diagnosis until much later so just thought there was something wrong with me/I was insane, and I was afraid to tell anyone about that which made it worse. I also have OCD (formal diagnosis of both, it's not me self-diagnosing) and so that balanced out some of the messiness but my main problem with that has always been compulsive thoughts. These days I have a good job and seem pretty together from the outside, but I have millions of systems in place so that I function 'normally', and I still have a deep-rooted fear that it could all fall apart at any moment.

It's a spectrum and different people struggle with different things.

If someone has different symptoms, it goes two ways that I've seen. Either people who do struggle with (X) say, if you can do that, why do you even think you have ADHD? Or people who don't struggle with (X) say, I can manage it, so it must be unrelated to ADHD and just be a question of your willpower and commitment.

My whole family is very AuDHD-heavy and everyone has different symptoms. That's just how it is, and I think people on both sides of the scale should recognise that.

ETA just tagging along with the masking - I tried EXTREMELY hard to present as organised and put-together because I felt so much shame about my (then-undiagnosed) symptoms. I would throw socks/underwear away and buy new ones instead of washing them. Use paper plates. Leave jobs when I started to make typical mistakes. Would drink a Red Bull multipack just to be able to get up and do specific thing. If I had an appointment in the afternoon, I would spend literally all day getting ready, and then arrive two hours early because otherwise I would be late.

I have many of those traits, not as extreme but I do recognise a lot of them, especially the addictive ones, overspending, lateness, inability to listen properly, being chronically disorganised, forgetful etc.

My DH has been my person who's been the opposite to all of this, and I guess my "saviour" so to speak (poor man lol 😆). We have three beautiful, thriving children but i dont think they would be doing as well if I was a single mum. My life wouldn't be half as good without my DH. But my mum loves to question my self diagnosis and says I label myself too easily, even though I've been like this forever.

It's draining on my family, and I feel for them. I understand, OP..

Solidarity and hugs.

@Browharharand what makes that different to a neurotypical person? My mum is the most NT person on earth, she makes lists, is very measured in all she does, punctual because she uses an alarm and doesn’t start cleaning out a cutlets drawer five minutes before she’s supposed to leave. These are coping strategies which are easier for her to implement because she is NT, it’s not that NT people don’t need coping strategies, it’s just less of a struggle for them to create and stick to them.

Have you tried adhd medication?

Adhd is rampant in my family and so is autism. My youngest daughter has an adhd diagnosis but treating that has just revealed a whole subterranean level of autistic misery. Every single day is a challenge. She’s almost 18 and when she’s great/coping she amazing but it never lasts and then I’ve got to spend 3-5 hours a day cajoling, begging, bargaining, pleading just to get her to fulfill the basics.

and making it worse I know she gets it from me. I was bankrupt by 28 , spent most of my teen and young adult life hupersexual and doing the most bonkers random risky behaviours. Cocaine addiction, exploitation, now on the brink of being an alcoholic and I’m approaching 50 and still have no idea how to cope.

I hear you. I've been in debt for most of my life and I just can't control it. When I want to spend money, it's like I genuinely can't stop myself. Whatever the thing is I want to buy, I "need" the thing, it will make my life somehow better etc. Logically I know it won't but something takes over.

I've slept with men I didn't even fancy. When people say "just say no to sex" I don't know how they do it! Again, it's like something takes over and I think what the hell, why not. I hate it. I don't want to sleep with these people. But I can't find that "off" switch.

I drink too much, no drugs but I do smoke. I eat crap. My house is a mess! If I'm leaving the house then I do shower, but if I'm just home then my personal hygiene is crap.

The rejection sensitivity thing is awful. It's impacted all my relationships. I think I've been drawn to controlling men because for one, it takes a lot of the responsibility of "life" from me, if I'm being told what to do. And also, they are less likely to reject me at some point. Although one did and it nearly destroyed me.

All that said, I'm older now and am tackling some of the things. I don't date at all now. It would do me no good and I've realised that. Therefore I also no longer have sex with anyone! I've cut the drinking a lot, working on giving up smoking. I've started being a bit better with money. I still have a long way to go but the older I get, the more I'm feeling able to stop and think before I do something. But I am nearly 60! It's taken that long. If medication would help you now, then it's probably worth doing. I don't see the point at my age, and when I am actually finally getting a bit better on my own.

I hear ya OP.

I can’t even get it together to pursue a diagnosis.

I can't remember how many times I've been to college or uni and not got anywhere. Five that I can remember. (Edit: seven!) I ended up doing an OU degree and even then they almost chucked me out after three years because I hadn't finished any modules. I then developed a weird resilience that got me through, and I had to take odd modules between my main ones to ensure that for four years I never had time off because doing it constantly meant it became a habit. I think I would have unravelled if I'd had a break.

I then did a masters which I almost didn't finish, and completing it nearly killed me with the stress. I took a year off halway through because I just couldn'tgo on. Restarting was horrific. I had extensions on every single assignment through both BA and MA.

I was, of course, late with my dissertation and had to drive the length of the country after staying up all night, to hand it in by hand to the OU a couple of hours before the deadline.

You are SO not alone OP! ♥️

Exactly that. Its like saying 'if i don't make a shopping list I know I'll forget something'. Yeah, you will, that's normal. 'I forget what I was doing when i walk into another room'. Yep, you and everyone else in the world. 'I have to use an app to remind me to do cleaning tasks' sounds like you have a busy life, so that's a good idea!

These are all in the realm of normal. But for others the way our brain works causes relationships to break down, financial difficulties, housing instability, job insecurity.

It's like me going and sitting with a group of blind people and saying 'I'm one of you' because I need low prescription reading glasses.

YES! I know exactly what you mean. Then you get people who know someone "with ADHD" and because they don't present as extremely as you do then it must be all your fault and you aren't trying "because if my friend thingy can manage with ADHD then you can".

Then you get told that their friend finds such and such useful, so obviously you will. No, fidget toys don't help me and I don't have the time to fidget with something when I'm constantly typing! My DBro and I had similar scores at our respective diagnoses but a) we present differently and b) we need very different arrangements to help e.g. he works much better in isolation at home, I can't concentrate at home & work better in the office; I think our rather different jobs exacerbate that.

It’s something that impacts different people in different ways really, and so while someone may seem to be “achieving” more it can actually just be their fixation for example being on a different thing.

You mention obesity & overeating and say someone running marathons can’t be the same, they are, it’s just that for that person the fixation is running rather than eating. That your overspending is a result of the dopamine chasing for example, for other people it is running or exercise, chasing that rush in that way rather than shopping. They aren’t necessarily struggling less than you, just in a different way.

One of my best friends has ADHD, she struggles a lot, she runs marathons, gets up at a ridiculous time to run 20 miles in the morning she feels that she NEEDS that, is that particularly healthy- probably not. Does she have CCJ’s and debt, no, but she is fixated on money and having enough, total paralysis with it and doesn’t want to spend anything even when it really is needed, she doesn’t feel she can perhaps in the same way that you can’t stop.

It’s pointless to compare. It’s a spectrum and even people in the same place on that spectrum can have very different realities.

What I despise is the humiliation. I still live local to one of the unis so when I see someone who saw me be utterly wild, fail and then quit, I’m so embarrassed. If I had a wildly successful career I’d be okay with it, but I don’t! So I find the humiliation double; yeah I’m the person who fucked up repeatedly and relied on alcohol to cope and therefore regularly made a tit of myself, yeah I’m the guy who dropped out. Nah, haven’t made anything of myself, ye, all the things you guys thought about me were true! And if you say ‘Look I have AuDHD’ people just think it’s bullshit these days so I never explain it and keep it to myself so people just think I’m a fucking nightmare naturally! Which I guess I am, to be fair.

This is a tricky one- the meds have side effects and for some people those are significant enough that they choose not to take them. It's not a no-brainer. In that situation then things like coaching and behavioural changes can be very helpful and can make the difference between functioning and not functioning. It doesn't follow that there was never an issue. I suppose it's a bit like taking statins for blood pressure- someone might choose not to take them and instead manage their BP through lifestyle changes- it doesn't follow that there wasn't a problem or that the statins wouldn't have been appropriate.

Bear in mind that the kind of behavioural coping strategies people with ADHD use can be quite significant and that "functioning" doesn't mean everything is easy-breezy. I too get annoyed with the idea that someone with ADHD can just change something simple (eg write things on a planner) and suddenly everything is fine- although to be fair that's an idea mainly put about by people trying to sell planners in Instagram 😂

For me (autistic), academia was the only time I ever excelled. The rest of my life was a bin fire. But I felt I should be trying to have a 'normal' life and got married, found a job etc. Still a bin fire it turns out, and now I don't even have the comfort of being good at something to balance it out.

The other thing, that I have to ignore otherwise I find it upsetting, is the positivity spin. ‘ADHD/Autism is a super power’ - no it fucking isn’t. If that makes you feel better, then great, but for many of us, both are hugely debilitating, make life hard and often miserable. If the super power is the power to fix up on a huge scale, then yes. But I hate how we’re trying to give it all a nice facelift. It’s not nice. It’s shit.

@Jellybunny56but thats bonkers isn’t it? Obviously an addiction to exercise, working hard, earning money, saving money isn’t treated the same as food addiction, gambling, drugs, unsafe sex, alcohol? Because the negative implications of the latter are so much worse than with the former? So saying oh yes she’s got ADHD do but it makes her an incredible athlete/ multimillionaire/ community leader/ specialist in SEND law and advocacy IS NOT the same as someone who drinks vodka first thing just to cope with the school run, chain eats fried chicken as they’re addicted to the sensory input or self harms by having frequent sexual partners and not using contraceptive. There has to be negative implications otherwise it’s just talent right?

Can't help with a lot of your issues as I don't understand them. But debt I know.

If you can get your medical professional to complete a Debt & Mental Health form (free of charge in England according to the British Medical Association) you can send copies of that to your various creditors and they are supposed to look favourably on your situation. In some cases they will write off the debt because essentially you weren't competent when you took out the debt. In other cases they may simply stop all interest accruing. It may also help to get the CCJ taken off your credit record.

more details
Debt and mental health | National Debtline

You could also apply through a debt advice agency (StepChange, Citizen's Advice, CAP i.e. Christians Against Poverty) for a mental health Breathing Space. This would stop all interest and any collection action while you are in a mental health crisis.

Best of luck sorting it all - it's a difficult situation.

I could have written your OP, @Cantfinishanything its all fine and well people telling you to ‘get medicated’ and it’s great to hear that helps some people - but it doesn’t for all of us (especially if our financial shit show has seasoned any available funds for therapy / private diagnosis / prescriptions, let along our ability function or focus long enough to be through the process!) It also doesn’t address the trail of destruction / self destruction in our wake not alleviate the TREMENDOUS guilt and shame. That’s why you don’t see it being represented, OP - because it’s not at the cute, social media friendly end of the ADHD wedge - it’s not trending to look or feel like a monumental fuck up…

Phone now. Write on your hand in biro MEDS REVIEW.

That's a priority.

There’s an influencer on Instagram. I won’t mention her name but she does ‘mum’ content. She’s recently announced she has adhd and it’s ridiculous. She’s acting completely differently to the way she acted a year or so ago, like nobody would notice. Her house is immaculate, she juggles kids and work and everything else with apparent ease, but she definitely has adhd which explains why she doesn’t wash her hair every day, apparently.

I haven’t opened a letter in 18 months. I can’t have anyone round because my house is such a state and I’m powerless to do anything about it. I will never have another relationship because I simply can’t cope with them. I have no idea how I’m still employed. I overeat and rarely leave the house because planning anything is exhausting. I can’t drive because I can’t concentrate. The list goes on.

I do, however, manage to wash my hair every day 😂