Why does no one talk about the more extreme traits of ADHD?

[Cantfinishanything]

My credit score is in hell. Multiple CCJs due to just forgetting parking tickets or not being able to cope.
Obese.
Problems with addiction and overspending.
Fixations I can’t move on from. Even though I know it’s boring to those around me.
Cant discipline my children as I can’t stick to rules even ones I’ve set myself.
In trouble at work due to not being able to do the parts of the job I find boring.
Constant interrupting even though I know I do it and I try really hard not to.
Lateness, being eternally bloody late even with waking up at 5 and feeling ready to go about an hour before I need to. Yes I know it’s rude.
Terrible at relationships as everything feels like it’s controlling and claustrophobic.
Poor physical health, cant stick to things even taking vitamins or exercise classes.
I spend so long just hating and feeling frustrated at myself.
Yet everyone thinks they have ADHD these days so why do I find it so hard to talk to people about these things? How can we have the same condition and yet you have a mortgage, successful marriage, beautiful well behaved children, stick to a routine, go to the gym and run marathons?

This, if i want to do something that im struggling, I try to make it my hyperfocus, that tends to work.

I understand OP, I remember reading a thread recently where several people with ADHD were saying their houses were extremely tidy with no piles and everything in it's proper place and I was like how???? I can't put systems in place where things have defined places, it's developing the system and then sticking to it that I really struggle with.

I don't know whether this is helpful to you as most of these things are out of your control. But things that have helped me have a functional career (just to explain why it might appear to the outside like I have things under control):

• I don't have children. I have no idea how people manage to organise their house and working life when they also have children. Massive respect to everyone who can do this!
• I have a very good safety net, very supportive parents and I've never really had to worry about finances.
• I have a supportive partner now and living with him helps massively. Before we lived together I had electricity, water cut off because I'd forgotten to pay bills, the house was tidied by just pushing piles of random things in cupboards etc. I've had a lot of bad relationships in the past but my current partner is very understanding and really helps with staying functional in many ways.
• I have a weekly cleaner. It helps massively.

Just FYI I'm also not on medication, partly because I find it difficult just to coordinate managing prescriptions, going to the pharmacy and managing to take pills.

I think comparing yourself to others can be massively triggering,I find that to be the case anyway.

This,

Op I would say I have very mild ADHD in comparison to yours. However it has cost me jobs, £1,000s of pounds in cash, made friendships really hard as I get emotionally crashes that I can’t mask. I have over time set up systems and processes to help me because what other choice do you have?

I’ve found counselling helps a lot. There are a lot of ND therapists these days that really get it. These days I get a dopamine hit from things being organised (not doing the organising but the joy I get from having things ready from the night before so I’m not late for appointments).

The first thing is to stop berating yourself though. That doesn’t help at all. And then start small with things you can manage. I break things down into small tasks so it doesn’t seem overwhelming. I resist anyone who tries to put a lot of tasks/expectations on me at once. I’ve found working for myself a revelation - I hate the organisational side but the freedom to work when I want to is amazing. My tax return deadline will always be a surprise every December but I get it done by the deadline.

There are always challenges but you can make things easier for yourself with support and self compassion.

Totally relate to this! So worry about the future for my ds who is only mid primary age can’t get him assessed in my area so feel I can’t even get any sort of steer for him at all 😢

For some maybe, my ADHD say's fuck that, it's to difficult.
I can manage work and time OP, I have to be early or it becomes far to overwhelming.
I still have not got a grip of creating good habits but I try and that is how I get through.
Every day I work hard towards doing something I'm proud of, even if it's tiny, like getting the recycling in the right box... easy for some but I forget as I really don't care, which sounds awful because I do care about the planet!
With my ADHD I hate letting people down so I use it to my advantage, so I have a PT 3 times a week... can't let him down, which in turn means I have to get to work on time and do my job to get paid etc etc. The knock on effect works for me, although it can be overwhelming.
I am happily married now but I spent years working on myself, took years of abusive horrid relationships for my brain to recognise that this wasn't working, but I got there.

I agree with this. Meds can be a game changer for people with more severe ADHD and executive dysfunction problems.

Yes. A lot of support for anyone (but mainly men) allows some of the very strong things that they are talented at to be the only things people notice, rather than the things they are bored by or don't put any time into to bothering with. I think realising that even with a lot of effort you would still not manage to get your fingertips to the top of the wall that would be better to climb is actually extremely demotivating.

Last weekend I had that realisation about the role taken by mothers in a very exceptional musician's daily life (male, 1st yr university, needs support that university isn't providing) and a very exceptional gymnast's life (female, early teens). Certainly the 2nd has some traits that may be ADHD related. Some of the famous actors of the '70s and '80s were also entirely invested in their strengths and talents but apparently couldn't get their heads around managing money, doing laundry, or driving.

I have AuDHD. A lot of my life has been casually set on fire over the years and I live in the embers. I hear you @Cantfinishanything, it’s so fucking tough. What’s even harder is hearing all the horrid rhetoric these days about ADHD and autism. You know, we all have it and we’re making it up and so on. I wish I were, then I wouldn’t be 40 wondering what the fuck happened and why I can’t fix it with all the ways other people seem to fix their shit. My current management is to over worry about everything and over do everything because I live in absolute fear of missing something. The stress levels are through the roof and causing health issues.

Good luck.

DS was only finally diagnosed in year 7 so don't despair. The important thing at this point, I think, is to prioritise figuring out how to give him the support and scaffolding he needs. And that varies from person to person. For DS, a key shift has been making mornings easier. He has taken on responsibility for some of this - getting his things ready the day before etc - and I took on the process of helping to smooth things for him elsewhere eg getting him a proper breakfast (so important for him), getting hin up at the right time, facilitating him needing a shower to wake up etc etc.

We also found that finding activities he enjoye dand that were scheduled and quite intense was really good for him. So he joined a sports team with 90 minutes of training twice a week plus weekend matches. That really helped to create structure and routine and things to work towards. And he spent a lot o ftime at home self regulating by practicing.

I think my top tips would be:

• be kind to yourself. Recognise the good things you've achieved each day, the nice things you did for your kids, the successes you had at work etc. Remind yourself that bringing up children and working at the same time is a huge, huge challenge, especially for someone with ADHD, and try to remember even the small things that you have accomplished.
• outsource things if you can afford to, e.g. if you can get a cleaner.
• accept that the house might never be perfectly tidy, you might always be wearing odd socks etc. Focus on the things that actually matter (e.g paying bills on time) and work on strategies just for those things. E.g use Alexa to set reminders, sticky notes around the house, even if they look weird to visitors (who cares!), direct debits for everything that you can pay by direct debit (including car tax!).

How can people with the same condition have such radically different outcomes? I wonder if it's almost the very nature of ADHD that it can literally go to either extreme or anywhere in the middle? It's well documented that people with ADHD are over-represented both among 'successful' entrepreneurs/athletes AND in the prisons.

That makes sense when you think that certain conditions/support can create an environment in which a person with ADHD thrives. And the reverse is also true. Obviously one of the kickers is that a person with ADHD is likely to be parented by someone with ADHD.

Interaction with sex hormones
Interaction with rejection sensitivity
Interaction with home environment/ education environment etc

I mean one issue as well with social media, specifically content creators, is that people who have actually stuck with the same thing long enough to output consistently enough to build an audience and therefore be recommended by an algorithm are likely to, by definition, have better control over these things.

You're not going to see a youtube channel or podcast or blog from the person who can't maintain a sleep schedule or brush their hair or get the video/post/etc finished and uploaded on a regular schedule because those things aren't attractive to the algorithm.

I probably write more than a blog post most days on various forums, but because it's all scattered around, under different names on different sites it doesn't add up to a "consistent online presence" so you won't know who I am. Well unless you want car seat advice specifically on MN I haven't changed my name on here for about 15 years so people do sometimes remember me in specific niche areas, and the car seat page happens not to have many other posters on it.

And as it happens I've thought to channel that stuff into a blog many times but I have about 40 unfinished drafts and nothing actually posted.

I'm so sorry OP. Some of what you've said reminds me a lot of my sister, who on the outside to a lot of people might look like she's managing really well but to her, her life is constantly on the verge of implosion, or in the throes of implosion. She makes big, big decisions impulsively no matter how much she tries not to, and her life is constantly in chaos, which has a terrible effect on her mental health. It's all connected and a big endless cycle but trying to unpick it and manage it is impossible for her. She's constantly 'starting again'.

if it's this severe you need a psychiatrist and meds- try not to be fobbed off - but a friend has gone down this route and it's been life changing for her

Yep.
I have ADHD and ASD (actual diagnoses)
Late diagnosis after a lifetime of knowing something wasnt right.
I have a good job, happy marriage, well adjusted kids ( other than also being ASD/ADHD) mortgage paid off ... all the life's 'successes' I guess.

I don't do marathons- cannot stick to a routine - what you see isn't a representation of what goes on behind closed doors or how I actually feel.

My stepdaughter thought she had autism, and she went for the examination and tests. The letter came back from NHS Scotland saying she didn't have it, and she was raging.. People, especially young folk, are desperate to have conditions these days. I think it's needed as a shield to mask their inadequacies in life.

Uk dont recognise masking in adhd so diagnosed people will have supposed to have issues in at least 2 areas and significant impact. But of course nos everyone does actually have such a big impact.
i agree with a pp that the emotional side and impulsivity can be the hardest. Having had an adhd child who never slept then went to ridiculously impulsive toddler then in trouble at school then depressed it feels there was never a break when everything was actually ok.
i think people assume the more severe issues are conduct disorder etc.

So it does feel frustrating when adults with minor issues or bots who suddenly have an issue at secondary turn up.
Its even harder having a adhd child than having it yourself as if it you you can try alarms or get anxious and do the work but
a child can continue to be difficult. And the parent also gets the blame.
But with a lot of prisoners having adhd it could be even worse.

It does appear differently as a parent friend is scatty, doesnt prioritise, always slightly late for drop offs.
Whereas my issues are more tidiness related. And issues with short term memory. Bil however runs around everywhere fast then crashes to a nap.
sil has had a chaotic life and moved through boyfriends quickly - only lasting a few years. Given up several jobs.
Whereas another male relative mainly disorganised - he could not give the kids the right kit or know what activity they are doing. He would forget to collect them.
His male relative was disgnosed adhd with no issues as a child but just went off rails as a teen. There does seem i think a link with smoking/tattoos etc (but not for all these people

I would almost say the person who says 7 types of adhd makes sense.

But my ADHD has real outcomes, this aren't hidden internal struggles, these are real quantifiable things. I failed my masters, I got a CCJ, I am an overeater, my children have been under a CIN plan, this isn’t all in my head. So all this ‘well I might seem put together and yes I have a mortgage, husband, good job, hot bod’ I’m really sorry but we’re not in the same boat. That’s like saying ‘I may have a lot of money in my savings account but I try not to touch them so I’m actually poor’ well with respect, no you’re not. It’s not about trying to prove ADHD it’s trying to find kinship and solidarity with others who are failing too. The only thing I have going for me is an ok job that I’m good at, in some ways, but even then I feel it might not last.

My AuDHD totally switched when I had children. My hormones are also a mess, so whether it is the interaction with hormones or whether it is motherhood, I don’t know. These things do manifest differently in males and females too. The issue is we are still only just learning about all these things, so much is still unknown.

I dropped out of university twice. Honestly OP, I am with you. I had to remortgage to pay debts. As I said earlier, I have little fires everywhere. And the stress is damaging. People who don’t experience the monumental fuck ups don’t understand the short and long term impacts

I'm with you OP, and commiserate.

I've only just managed to get to grips with not interrupting people. It means I've become very quiet because I can't fully concentrate on what someone's saying, concentrate so as not to interrupt, and also keep track of anything I might want to say.

Having a calender on my phone has been a godsend. I set alarms for everything: with up to five alarms for the same thing. If it's a Zoom then I have alarms for the time of the meeting, ten minutes before, 30 minutes before and an hour before. I've only recently started doing the one at the time of the meeting because I kept getting distracted and forgetting in that last ten minutes.

For trains I work out when I need to leave the house, then set my alarm for five minutes before that to allow for the final faff, then an alarm for the real time I need to leave, one 30 minutes before the train leaves, and one an hour before.

All the alarms mean the likelihood of me forgetting is reduced (although not eradicated completely). It also means less stress because I know I've set them up (although I forget a lot and regularly go through upcoming appointments etc. to check I've done alarms).

It's a massive faff but it's helped a lot! I still end up rushing for trains because even after the final alarm I'm never quite out the door straightaway.

I also forget things a lot, so have to go back into the house which adds time. I've caused havoc sometimes with this. A lot of the time I drive away and then minutes later drive back to get whatever it is. And the thing I've forgotten is usually something vital to the reason I left the house in the first place!

Other than writing lists (which sometimes isn't feasible and even then I can read a list and not see things on it), I can't think of a foolproof way to get to grips with the forgetting.

I think it's a mixture of ADHD being varied in itself and ADHD people having radically different circumstances.

Based on my own circle, the people with ADHD who seem to do best are the ones who are also bright/in some other way talented, and who partner fairly early with someone who's a good opposite to their strengths and weaknesses. Which probably is true of the population as a whole too, so it makes sense that people with a condition that can make life harder are probably particularly at the whim of good luck.

A pp also made a good point that OP is disproportionately likely to notice the people who have it together.

This post nails it. The problem with 'spectrums' of anything is that once someone decides they are somewhere on it, they make that label their reason and their excuse for everything and they want to find a way, no matter how tenuous, to make it relevant to every aspect of their life. A quick glance at instagram and tiktok shows us this. These people think they deserve the same amount of sympathy, empathy, consideration and attention as someone who is so deeply in the spectrum that they can't really function normally at all.

I'm getting utterly sick to death of it. The next minor celeb in the public eye who announces they are austistic or ADHD is going to make me spontaneously combust with rage. It's like me going and sitting with a group of blind people and saying 'I'm one of you' because I need low prescription reading glasses.

Much like autism its a spectrum condition
And two people wuth the same condition csn present very differently.

I would say that your issues are more complex than ADHD - difficult as that is of itself to deal with - if you have addiction and obesity etc going on as well.