Why does no one talk about the more extreme traits of ADHD?

[Cantfinishanything]

My credit score is in hell. Multiple CCJs due to just forgetting parking tickets or not being able to cope.
Obese.
Problems with addiction and overspending.
Fixations I can’t move on from. Even though I know it’s boring to those around me.
Cant discipline my children as I can’t stick to rules even ones I’ve set myself.
In trouble at work due to not being able to do the parts of the job I find boring.
Constant interrupting even though I know I do it and I try really hard not to.
Lateness, being eternally bloody late even with waking up at 5 and feeling ready to go about an hour before I need to. Yes I know it’s rude.
Terrible at relationships as everything feels like it’s controlling and claustrophobic.
Poor physical health, cant stick to things even taking vitamins or exercise classes.
I spend so long just hating and feeling frustrated at myself.
Yet everyone thinks they have ADHD these days so why do I find it so hard to talk to people about these things? How can we have the same condition and yet you have a mortgage, successful marriage, beautiful well behaved children, stick to a routine, go to the gym and run marathons?

I have ADHD (99%sure) I have a successful career, a loving marriage and 2 wonderful children.

My husband is almost definitely autistic, so that helps, between us we make 1 functioning adult human.

He does paperwork beautifully, anally infact. Loads the dishwasher to perfection, cooks beautiful food to a recipe.

I cook chaos meals, leave a trail of destruction but function in chaotic moments while he can't. Kid gets sick? I'm a paragon of organisation and military precision, roof leaks, car breaks down, random unexpected bill I can pull a fix out of my backside.

House is a top. That's basically it. Between us we manage everything but housework is an unending stress and shambles.

This only works because we're both genius level academics (this is not a brag I swear to you, I can pass an exam with no prep) I can also laugh at myself, have had a lot of therapy for coping skills and self compassion and I'm kind and likeable and work very very hard.

Also my boss despairs of me BUT I'm also very good at whT do besides the paperwork and I just take the extra time to do the paperwork And stay late etc. D she sees I'm doing my best. I'm very lucky. Also I have a niche career. I dunno I always feel 1 step from bankruptcy, having the kids removed because the house is a coup, some days left to my own devices I'd live on jellybeans and onion rings.

I'm doing life in hard mode and I try to remember that and cope with the judgement. And humour. Dark and misplaced and to hide my hurt feelings and feelings of inadequCy

You'll get there!! Definitely try again @BertieBotts

I don't drive. I feel the frustration of not being able to, but wonder about whether my inattentiveness would get me in a fix. I think I'd definitely require medication before starting lessons.

Every year you hear about babies and parents (especially in America) who become victims of Forgotten Baby Syndrome. I once left my son soon after birth in his pram in a clothes shop. Not for long however, thank god, but I always have tremendous sympathy for the parents when I read about those stories of babies unintentionally left in cars, because I could imagine the possibility of me being so distracted that I would make that mistake, so in that regards I think it was best I couldn't drive when my DCs were babies, but I would love to learn now.

Hi. op
Im waiting for an adhd assessment. Pretty sure I’ve always had it. Terrible problem with alcohol (now sober for 7 years). Impulsivity. And rad.
Im currently fixated on my relationship with my adult son, he’s so busy with his own life, I feel a bit overwhelmed and keep getting upset with him for not doing anything with me.
What are your fixations about, Do they involve potential rejection like mine? It’s horrible to be lik this .

My driving instructor said the same. He saw how great i was at driving in the town i lived in, but when I drove in the town the test centre was in it all went wrong. Once I passed my test I said I'd never drive in that town ever again. Guess where I live now! 😂 No problem driving anywhere now (well, there's places I avoid. I'd never drive in London)

God, yes, this is me. The longer I leave it since last contact, the harder it is to renew it.

The only long standing relationships I have are either with family, or people who were originally friends of my husband’s. Says it all, really.

Sorry OP. Really sorry 😞

Oh god yes to the heel picking (to the point of bleeding).

yes making friends is so easy. The way I maintain them is by trying to find ones who I have a thing in common with and interacting on that basis. I find men are much better friends for me. My closest friend is potentially ND so we are happy not speaking for weeks. I can’t maintain standard female friendships - I find them too superficial and intense - I can’t maintain them at all

I've crippled myself in the past with heel picking, and had to tiptoe about even when I wrapped my heels in bandages.

I still pick now, but not to that extent.

I am, however, a very good driver! 😁

But still haven't worked out how to make real friends. 😥

Most of my real friends, as I mentioned are male, there seems a lot less expectation, judgement or neediness. Most are into alternative life styles, heavy metal and occultism so a lot of acceptance of differences and most of the girls I come across in these circles are actually similar to me. Our interaction, in general revolves round gigs, so meetings and contact are based on events rather than length of time. We are all hyper focused on the same thing and because it’s something we have in common no level of detail is too great. Knowing a guitarists tuning set up is to be applauded! My brother is autistic and found his tribe in roll play gaming/board game etc clubs. My recommendation is to find a niche of outsiders like the above, people are a lot more accepting and forgiving of lacking “standard” social skills IME.

I can't even focus long enough to get an ADHD assessment.
I had a GP appointment last week which I couldn't goto because i got a flood in my kitchen.
Does anybody recomomend an online service? I just can't get my shit together to get diagnosed.

You could try Psychiatry UK. They're the ones my DBro went through privately, and also the ones my local health authority use to refer NHS patients to. Not cheap, but once you've been diagnosed and fully titrated to check your dosage they do a shared care arrangement with your GP so you get your meds through the NHS after that.

Medication has changed my life.

I have lost weight because i am no longer dopomaine seeking
Work has to take into accout my disability now and have been moved to a role i excel in - after years of arguing my point.

Having said that, i have finally come out of the fog and have got a new job after years of being miserable and thinking i was a shit person.

Medication has let my brain rest, i am sleeping so much better, I can read again.

I can just sit and be

I now write to do lists and finish them everyday - all those 5 minute jobs are ticked off whereas before they would take months/years to do.

Wow can I ask what meds you're taking? It's fine if you don't want to share though

There are basically two main medications used to treat ADHD in the UK, methylphenidate (various brands) and lisdexamphetamine (Elvanse).

There are a couple of non stimulants too (Strattera/Guanfacine), and there is also dexamphetamine (Amfexa) but the above two are the main ones and they help over 90% of adults with ADHD. I think they have something like an 80% success rate each so if you don't get on with one, you can try the other. You would also try the second if the first has too many side effects. This is in NICE guidelines and well evidenced. They are meant to be some of the most effective medications in psychiatry and ADHD is considered the most treatable psychiatric disorder in terms of how well it responds to stimulant medication.

People can have wildly different responses to the same medication, so knowing what medication works for somebody else doesn't necessarily mean that it will work for you. I also have found in my own experience that medication is very helpful but I also have to help myself - if I sleep terribly, barely eat and don't have any direction, then it's like I haven't taken anything at all. Whereas if I have got a reasonable amount of sleep and managed to eat something and I make any effort at all towards trying to do something useful, that effort will be rewarded with action rather than my unmedicated state of everything feeling like trying to stir treacle. However, if someone is buried under the environmental effects of multiple aspects of their ADHD, it's quite possible that they will be in a scenario where it's just generally hard to get on top of the basics, medication or no medication. It's always worth trying it if you have the option, IMO, but I have seen people write it off as not doing anything whereas I suspect that the actual issue is that they have so much going on that they need more support than medication alone. So don't write it off forever if it doesn't help right now.

I take lisdexamphetamine.

It has helped me greatly, I did find I was waking up stupidly early for the first week or so, but that has settled.

It wasn't a 'social media worthy, life changing experience ' when I started, but more of a 'oh wow, I've been able to sit here and work for an hour without realising' type feeling. Similarly, I've been able to start and finish DIY projects, when previously I'd plan to the nth degree but then get totally bewildered and overwhelmed and never start...and end up hating myself more.

My RSD is more manageable, I am able to pause a while before reacting, or recognise that whatever the issue is may have nothing to do with me. I don't get the 'tearing my own face off l' in frustration feeling.

Lots of other things, too long to write.

I feel more like an actual grown up now, kind of.

The same way that one person has eczema on their elbows and another has eczema on every bare patch of skin having the same condition doesn’t mean being affected in the same way or the same amount.

You may have a more severe, more distracted or more disorganised or addictive version of ADHD. Or it may be co-morbid with Autism, depression or something else. But all ADHDers aren’t identical and so are impacted differently.

@CantfinishanythingNot necessarily - I may be one of these people you describe. Dual diagnosis AuDHD. I probably seem on the outside world to be neurotypical, stable marriage, mortgage, well behaved child, healthy weight (now), generally ok health, working as a psychotherapist.
I live in a very routined way and have a lot of sensory issues.
I am hyper organised and therefore do well at work. I get fixations but these are often in relation to health and wellness so actually end up with some silver lining effect.
I am quiet, so have cultivated as peaceful a life as I can. My husband is a stable factor.
one of my parents is Autistic and the other has significant trauma- they both learnt to survive in a world that is hard and passed on/scaffolded skills to us- also as we are mixed ethnicity there was also never an allowance for not working hard and finding a way to live, we had to problem solve and do well academically.
it is often a complex interplay of environment, genetics, internal resource, parenting, health, cognitive ability and life events that leads to such variations.

anecdotally, the children I’ve worked with who seem to be doing better despite significant impact from ADHD/Autism are those whose parents are supportive, advocate for them but also don’t hide them from the reality of the world and have an expectation for them to find a way that works for them

Also the impact of any physical or mental health co morbidities!