Why does no one talk about the more extreme traits of ADHD?

[Cantfinishanything]

My credit score is in hell. Multiple CCJs due to just forgetting parking tickets or not being able to cope.
Obese.
Problems with addiction and overspending.
Fixations I can’t move on from. Even though I know it’s boring to those around me.
Cant discipline my children as I can’t stick to rules even ones I’ve set myself.
In trouble at work due to not being able to do the parts of the job I find boring.
Constant interrupting even though I know I do it and I try really hard not to.
Lateness, being eternally bloody late even with waking up at 5 and feeling ready to go about an hour before I need to. Yes I know it’s rude.
Terrible at relationships as everything feels like it’s controlling and claustrophobic.
Poor physical health, cant stick to things even taking vitamins or exercise classes.
I spend so long just hating and feeling frustrated at myself.
Yet everyone thinks they have ADHD these days so why do I find it so hard to talk to people about these things? How can we have the same condition and yet you have a mortgage, successful marriage, beautiful well behaved children, stick to a routine, go to the gym and run marathons?

No I’m not sure I agree with that really, anything taken to an extreme can be harmful. Someone who feels they HAVE to run 20 miles every morning otherwise they cannot begin their day, eat breakfast, engage with the partner or child, has to do that even when they are injured, very much is negatively impacted by that.

I hear you.

I also have ADHD and I so often find it grating when people say "just implement solutions and strategies" like I haven't been doing that my entire life and still failing.

When it requires executive functioning to implement those systems, executive functioning which you do not have, it becomes impossible to navigate.

Equally grating is "I have ADHD and I can still do X Y Z". It's like the same condition affects us all differently.

In work, my superpower was being able to identify problems and come up with workable solutions, but the NTs didn't like that so.......🤷🏼‍♀️ they'd also send us on training workshops, then, when I tried to implement what I'd learned, they didn't like that either 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP have you seen a doctor/ gone down the tablet route?
Ultimately, its shit but you need to act.

YANBU @Cantfinishanything. I think many people now have diagnosed themselves and it’s basically their excuse / reason for xyz.

Even going to the dr or paying a bill feels like a demand. That’s why I feel it’s akin to self harming. It’s like I don’t want me to win.

It's so bloody hard at times for anyone you love that's living it. When they were children you could help.

Being married to one can be challenging too.q

I haven’t opened a letter in 18 months

I forgot about this one. I once did the same, ended up with a drawer full of unopened post, which I eventually burned without ever reading! I'm still not great at it but I got a letter rack for my hallway and just put everything there so when it's bulging, I kind of "have to" deal with it.

Yeah I get that- PDA - and that's fine. As long as you accept the consequences of not doing it.

With my friend we used to say "It's fine if you want to sit in the middle of the motorway without moving or trying to get help to move- but know that your'e going to get hurt"

Im the only adult in the house so I have no one to help me. Dc are ADHD and ASD.

My coping strategies are the following, it may or may not help. But I definitely get it and ironically my strategies seem to work so well that I didn’t score highly enough for a diagnosis, much to the confusion of anyone who has ever met me.

Phone calendars. I have recurring events, one offs etc, and each has 2 reminders. Whatever I need to do, whether it’s something for dc at school, a phone call, anything at all. It has to go in my phone calendar or it doesn’t happen.

Visual reminders - wipe clean weekly and monthly planners, with a colour for each person. On the fridge and I force myself to keep them up to date

Visual cues - meds have to be in a 7 day planner and on my desk. Same with skincare, I’d never moisturise if it weren’t in front of me.

Passwords - set by my phone and stored there.

Banking - everything on DD or standing order. Anything I need to pay at a later date is set up as a scheduled payment.

Writing things down doesn’t help.
Lists don’t help,
(although I do use Alexa for a shopping list, then it’s on my phone when I go to the supermarket)

if I need to go somewhere with paperwork, it has to go in my bag and be really annoying in order to get done ie in my way!

My car boot has spare clothes, waterproof trousers for DC, sunscreen, spare dog lead and coat, wipes, fruit shoots, cereal bars….anything I could possibly need anywhere is in there. I’m always the parent who turns up without a coat or a drink for DC and this really helps.

See this just reinforces the erroneous belief that ADHD is just a minor quirky thing. Severe ADHD can be absolutely debilitating and destructive and cause all sorts of issues like what the OP is describing.

Dh opens my letters and parcels for me because I don't like doing it and it feels unpleasant. I still can't identify why exactly. I can't answer emails or messages sometimes either. I managed better when I was smoking.

Yes and the mortality rates nobody speaks about due to our inhibition systems behaving very differently. EG off the scale risk taking etc. Apparantly we are 8 times more likely to die by the time we're 45

Sorry forgot to add. You need at least 2 bank current accounts.
one to get paid into and all bills come out of.
Set up a standing order for spending money into the other account.
that way, bills get paid and if I run out of money, nothing bounces

Does anyone else function better when they’re really tired or hungover?

Some of them have people running things in the background. DH has ADHD and is awful with money, he had a defaulted credit card when we got together, I run our finances and he now has an immaculate credit rating, savings and fun money each month that he can spend on whatever he likes.

The parking tickets can still be an issue like but putting the car reg in when taking ds to one of his clubs repeatedly.

I'm very organised and to be honest it's me that keeps family life on track, but he has fully accepted this and I don't get the pushback I did when we were young and first together, he recognises it's not his strength and the benefits to the family if he follows my plans. He does go to the gym 4/5 times a week early morning, he says it settles his brain for the day, because he exercises so much he is now focused on healthy eating but can also eat junk and doesn't really gain weight. It's a time we agreed because he's back when ds wakes up so it doesn't impact the family like when he was trying to go 5 nights a week.

Our son likely also has ADHD but is fairly well behaved in company and people comment that's he's very bright and grown up in the way he communicates, he has huge meltdowns at home and is on the diagnostic pathway because it's also affecting his learning with dysgraphia being present, but you wouldn't know that unless you taught him or were very close to us and saw him when he's not masking and he's either completely wrung out or exploding.

Our marriage is rooted in a friendship from the age of 11 and it hasn't always been easy, we talk and can be honest with each other. Over the years we've put things in place like scaffolding I always think to prep up the shakier areas, but again looking at us you probably wouldn't know that.

Its not a race to the bottom.
You DON'T know other peoples struggles.
How could you? Unless you want everyone to list their failures for your reassurance.
Its called a spectrum for a reason...

I love a good crisis 😂 as you say, lots of dopamine and no boring paperwork …

If it helps at all, I’ve started putting alarmed reminders into my work calendar for things like “pay for school trip”. Why the school email and say “there’s school trip, you can book now” as opposed to “there’s a school trip. Bookings will open in 3 days at 4pm. Limited spaces - first come first served”? It’s setting some of us up to fail. After missing a couple, I started adding a diary reminder the moment I got the email.

on Friday, I said to my son as he was leaving I would check and top up his card for lunch money that day. By the time I walked from the loo to my desk in the living room, I’d completely forgotten (luckily he had enough on there).

It’s shit. I have a wall calendar and a handbag diary to help me too.

I do the binge eating too, but then will eat nothing the rest of the day!

I’ve definitely found things getting worse/harder the older I get. Still waiting on an official diagnosis and I’m hoping medication will help me.

I totally get this. I did a history degree straight from school, did really well but after graduating I completely fell apart, went from starting 1 MA to another and then quitting. Tried teacher training twice but quit that. Drifted from one job to another. Tried doing a health degree (ODP) and quit after 1 term. I then sorted myself out a little bit. I did a degree in Children's Nursing when I was 28 and got a first. Worked as a nurse for a few years but then covid happened and I also had severe health issues that needed surgery. This then completely messed me up and I just didn't want to work as a nurse or in healthcare anymore. I would have panic attacks whenever I walked into a hospital. I attempted teacher training again but in a different age group but very quickly it became apparent my mental and physical health wasn't up to it so I had to quit again.

I now work in museums which I love but the pay and hours are terrible. I have tried to do a history masters with the OU out of interest and also to advance in museums but I have started and quit and started again since 2021. I sorted myself out and started last year, was doing really well but then I got pregnant and had horrendous health problems with the pregnancy so I ended up having to defer to this year. I am hopeful I will actually succeed this time as I will be able to pick up where I left off but the only issue is I will also have a baby to look after.

I have a diagnosis of OCD, GAD, and I am exploring an assessment for ADHD as well.

I just wish I could sort myself out as it is very humiliating to see your entire 20s and most of your 30s as being a failure because you quit everything you start. I know I am clever and capable as my previous degrees prove it but I just don't seem capable of taking things to the next level or having any sort of stability and it is heartbreaking.

Have you ever contacted Access to Work for support? You should be entitled to reasonable adjuatments and Access to Work can assist with working out what you need.

I was diagnosed with severe combined ADHD a couple of years ago and am medicated
I suffer with every single thing you listed. The obesity aside as I either over eat and become overweight or obsessively diet/exercise and then become very underweight (currently just in between)
I feel like I go in cycles with it. I either decide to do EVERYTHING over a few days and become almost manic and totally burnt out/dont sleep/cant stop, or become frozen and can do NOTHING but the bare minimum.
I believed taking meds would solve the issue. It helps but only so much.
I have lists for absolutely everything. Things I need to do, things I need to buy, housework, work stuff.
Things I cant do that day get put on the following days list and I try to make sure ive got everything done by the end of the week (or it simply runs over) It becomes almost a game.
Timing myself to do stuff also has this effect. I give myself from 9am until 9.30 in the kitchen, when the alarm goes off its on to the next room regardless if the 'job' is done. I finish off the remaining stuff i didnt get time for at the end if necessary.
I schedule 15 min 'breaks' In to this.
I am also kind to myself now and sometimes as long as the house is presentable enough, the children are cared for and ive been to work and done my best thats all I can hope for some days.
Things like sorting vinted stuff, life admin and washing my hair can wait!
I have a day off today. Was going to go to gym but cant face it so a small walk round the block is a compromise.
I think some people are absolutely clueless at the despair and darkness that can come with ADHD and it is very hard

DD with AuDHD too and medicated. Her ADHD is more profound than her autism in my opinion. Serious lack of executive function, impulsive nature, binge eating, binge spending...I seriously worry.
She does have a small job which she is holding down and I hope that is the positive thing I should focus on.
When people talk about super power I wonder what they mean..poor DD certainly has none !

You need to be medicated. Are you in the uk?
it can take ages if you don’t go privately.

I just don’t understand why you aren’t. Addiction and obesity are markers as you are seeking a dopamine hit -but you would get that if you were medicated.

I hear you @Cantfinishanything

• I have a job but I also have a criminal record and a driving ban which only HR know about
• I have a shoplifting habit which nobody in the world knows about
• I currently have 3 outstanding parking/bus lane fines (plus hundreds in the past that I've either paid or have escalated to court)
• I can't hold down a relationship, and when I'm in one they negatively impact my mental health and I have to get out of the relationship to stay sane, when I'm not in one I'm desperately lonely and can't sleep or eat

I don't tell anyone these things.