Why does no one talk about the more extreme traits of ADHD?

[Cantfinishanything]

My credit score is in hell. Multiple CCJs due to just forgetting parking tickets or not being able to cope.
Obese.
Problems with addiction and overspending.
Fixations I can’t move on from. Even though I know it’s boring to those around me.
Cant discipline my children as I can’t stick to rules even ones I’ve set myself.
In trouble at work due to not being able to do the parts of the job I find boring.
Constant interrupting even though I know I do it and I try really hard not to.
Lateness, being eternally bloody late even with waking up at 5 and feeling ready to go about an hour before I need to. Yes I know it’s rude.
Terrible at relationships as everything feels like it’s controlling and claustrophobic.
Poor physical health, cant stick to things even taking vitamins or exercise classes.
I spend so long just hating and feeling frustrated at myself.
Yet everyone thinks they have ADHD these days so why do I find it so hard to talk to people about these things? How can we have the same condition and yet you have a mortgage, successful marriage, beautiful well behaved children, stick to a routine, go to the gym and run marathons?

my early years were a shit show. Problem child, always in trouble, but bright enough that I coasted through primary and early secondary never doing any work but doing well enough in tests. Fell down massively at gcse and failed all bar two (wasn’t even allowed to take some as I couldn’t organise myself to do the course work). Dropped out of college. Got pregnant young.

managed to get my shit together up to a point though. I worked in care for years and it really suited me at the time. Very little paperwork and really on the go. Managed to do some level 3s through them etc. though I was glad to leave in the end as it was starting to trigger OCD like behaviours in me and a lot of overthinking and worrying about people constantly.

over the years I have learned how to make myself function. Have completed a degree and now have a healthcare career. Which does suit my on the go nature (struggle to do the bits I find boring, but do now know how I have to get them done, part of that is giving myself a break on the days that I know I am not going to be able to focus on those tasks).

im still messy, late for everything, double book myself constantly, cannot take on more than one verbal instruction at a time. Etc. but I function better when I’m busy. When my kids were young I invested all my time in them and their hobbies. Working in busyness and chaos keeps me on track. Now they’re older I have replaced that with my own interests, mostly running and the gym as this helps me function. Gotta love that dopamine. So now I have adult kids who are doing well, a mortgage and run marathons. I’m not quite sure how it happened but it did. A lot of the people I run with are kind of similar. There is actually quite a strong link between neurodiversity and enjoying endurance sports!

@smallglassbottle I agree. My MH is on the floor. All these problems which I’ve created, just eating away at me. The constant guilt, the lack of self control, it’s like self flagellation. I get the rejection sensitivity thing and it makes me want to leave my job, move house, run away. The only thing that prevents these responses anymore are more children.

I also think that the common traits - ie being late for stuff, being messy etc - are absolutely minuscule compared to the much bigger problems of being unable to regulate emotions to sensible levels.

Are you on medication?

Most people really don't understand the complexities of ADHD, especially in women.

I've got severe combined ADHD (and Autism), as has one of my DC.
It's absolute hell and has totally ruined my life.
I've had so much support, therapy, read and researched so much much, tried different ADHD meds again, but at nigh on 47, I feel trapped/stuck and an absolute fuck up.
The only thing I've ever done right really is...my DC.

Did you say you're not taking any medication at all, or just not the one a PP mentioned?

I agree. Everything I see on social media says that ADHD is a superpower but personally I fail to see that and would give anything not to have it. Perimenopause has knocked me for six and even with medication I’m struggling.

I laugh about the superpower thing ‘yes it’s great not being able to do anything but listening to the same 20 seconds of one song over and over, not being able to resist picking and picking your skin in public, being humiliated by school staff and missing every school play’ it’s great!

There's too much of this that resonates.

I don't have any answers or advice but I hear you OP. I battle daily. ❤

Hi OP, I'm sorry that you are struggling. I have late diagnosed ADHD and there have been times in my life when things were completely out of control- masses of debt, nearly kicked out of college for not turning up to anything, chaotic living environment, risky behaviour with sex and drugs etc.

Now however it's a different story and I think people who don't know me well would assume that organisation comes easily to me- in fact the opposite is the case but I have learned strategies over the years that enable me to have a well functioning life, successful career etc, and some of those strategies probably look like being hyper-organised (I'm always early, I track my finances religiously, I'm the person who carefully transcribes all the dates from the school email into her diary the minute she receives them etc etc)- sounds completely square but I know from experience that I have two options- stick religiously to the strategies that work for me or else live in chaos. No middle ground. It sometime annoys DH that I always want to deal with everything the minute it crops up but that's because he doesn't really understand that, if I don't, I'll never deal with it.

I mention all this to say that, just because someone doesn't appear to be struggling, it doesn't mean that they haven't struggled or that they wouldn't sympathise with you. Your post really chimed with me despite my life now being very different.

I would suggest the following-

-talk to your doctor about medication
-the ADHD chatter podcast someone mentioned is very good and might help you feel less alone
-There is good evidence that body doubling can help with focus and procrastination. The Dubbii app is pretty good but I think there are others too. It's basically having a video of someone on your phone tidying the kitchen (or whatever) while you tidy the kitchen, and they also do livestreams where 50 ADHDers tidy their kitchens together. Sounds ridiculous but it does work!
-a boring one but the ordinary things of a healthy life really do help with dopamine regulation- exercise, time outside, a balanced diet etc. I know that it's hard to make a start with any of this when you feel unregulated - can be a vicious circle- but to the extent you can manage any of it it would be time very well spent. I still have days where I feel unregulated (I call them troll days) and just want to sit under a blanket and feel shit.
-have you read up on rejection sensitive dysphoria at all. You sound really down on yourself and I wonder whether there might be some of this at play.

I hear you, it makes me so angry with myself especially my parenting skills because I just cannot stick to a routine so we are chaotic.
I'm medicated now but I find it is only really helping with at work and completing DIY/housework.

I think ADHD goes hand in hand with PDA a lot of the time so there's conflict in everything.

The only thing I've seen that helps with discipline and knock on effect on the rest of the life is exercise and meds. Unfortunately nobody can do that for you.

It looks tough to deal with.

This sounds really difficult for you op, mainly because it sounds like you are really, really trying your best and maybe are starting to feel quite burnt out by it all. I think it's a bit like a sliding scale and people are affected by it in different ways. So in some aspects its easier to function for some than others but its swings and roundabouts really. Also depends a lot on support networks as well, people may not be doing as well as they appear on the surface but they have a good support system in friends or family who are able to keep things going where they can't do it for themselves.

I'm personally not diagnosed. Thought about it for a while but then felt that for me I wasn't sure if it would actually make any difference considering how long id wait for assessment but there's lots of things in your post that resonates closely - the chronic lateness, the difficulties in self motivation, the skin picking, the forgetfulness, the challenges with relationships, struggling not to interrupt others, hyper fixating on things and then losing interest overnight, managing money diet or routines consistently, the interruption and the challenge of getting through the boring parts of my job. It's definitely held me back in my career and my relationships at times but honestly I think I present on the surface really well and then I burn out behind the scenes. But that's not something I generally talk about with anyone because I feel like I should be on top of my responsibilities so there's shame in that burn out. But on the surface you'd never know that about me.

@SparklingWater0Caloriesit does sound like you’ve found ways to cope, which is inspiring. I have made progress with some things but not others. I need those external ‘punishment’ or deadlines. So moving has made me declutter, work deadlines help to motivate me, but if I don’t want to then I can’t always do this, even if it’s detrimental to my well-being. I work for people I care about so I am always a good employee but if it’s something that only impacts me (mileage forms etc) I literally can’t do it, even though it earns me money.

Some of it will be partners. I've an ADHD spouse who might very well be like this if it were left up to him, but it's not. I also manage the finances because I enjoy and am good at it. We happened to meet young, before either of us were established in adult life. Just dumb luck.

@Lavender14 I think it would do everyone good if we were more open about things, I’m going to try to be more honest with people about my struggles (appropriately) and see if we can change the discourse.

When I got diagnosed the psychologist said that the effects of ADHD varied a lot due to the support/stability the person had/has. E.g. are their parents educated themselves and willing to support the child's education? (I remember leaving all my GCSE coursework till the last minute and my mum staying up all night with me to make sure I got it done 😬).

I also think other privileges (class, race etc) make a big difference, and if you can manage to get into a job with a degree of flexibility then it's more likely that if you let things slide you'll be able to pull an all nighter when needed and catch up. Alternatively a job where you're constantly "on" and running on adrenaline with no opportunity to slack can also work well.

I'm still rubbish at any self care that requires a routine, and I really feel you re finding it hard to discipline your child due to never sticking to your own rules... I find this too and I worry about the effects on my child... She's actually really good with rules but I am not 🫤

Are you medicated? I have found this helps a bit, but definitely not a miracle cure.

My guess is also that ADHD women struggle more with the organisational side because it still culturally falls to women not men. There is already an existing model for women to be more in charge of home and child stuff, so a person who needs this support from a partner in order to have a happy domestic life is more likely to find it if they're a man looking for a woman. So ADHD women probably have more expected of them in this way and deal with associated guilt and criticism.

I've been in both places and you can look at my life in different ways. The functioning I have now is largely supported by my husband. I've never had a full time job except for once for less than a year. Don't have any qualifications higher than GCSEs except that I've studied at university and passed a post-grad level short course. I'm a walking bundle of contradictions.

It's my experience both in myself and observing others including my own DC that ADHD functioning is largely reliant on coping mechanisms which are like a house of cards. If one goes down it can activate a spiral which collapses all the others. The effects of behaviour driven by poor executive functioning are heavy in themselves so impulse spending causes debt which then makes it harder to budget or afford life necessities. Financial stress leads to physical stress symptoms or displacement activities like drinking or over eating. Depression and difficulty with routines make things like appearance get neglected which has a knock on effect on social interaction and employability. So once one thing goes downhill it tends to lean a lot of pressure on everything else. And these are just a few examples whereas there will be more areas of life affected.

Russell Barkley and others like him talk about these things but a lot of the online circles of ADHD have more focus on the "superpower" narrative and find him too negative. I don't think it's helpful, both sides need to be considered.

HRTFT but DH is like you. He has all the things you describe you don't...because all the mental load is left to me and I do it all. If it's left to him I have to check it's been done and years of experience shows it's easier to do it myself.
We've been married over thirty years and initially I didn't notice because I was young and naive. As the years have gone on it's become harder because our lives are so different. I don't get to opt out. It does feel like I've done the boring bits of our whole adult lives together.
I must say the resentment grew expedientally when I became seriously ill. He's never done it, therefore has no idea of how much extra this has involved mentally and physically.
For example, DH believes he equally parented our now adult DC. Nothing could be further from the truth. He was barely present, let alone hands-on. It wouldn't be so bad if he even recognised (as you do) that he has a life that he wouldn't have been capable of creating. He doesn't even know DC's dates of birth.
I know he can't help it. It doesn't mean it's easy to live with. My greatest fear is something happening to me. That has eased a little now the DC are adults, but I worry for his life. I know it would be chaotic.
Last week the only task I gave him was to take my car in for a service as he's been using it. His is a shed. I booked it in, only to later receive a text from the garage. He forgot. Now, I'm stuck due to make a long journey, feeling the impact of his ADHD yet again. That was the only adult 'thing' I asked last week.
Our two DSs are also diagnosed. Yes, it's difficult, but I was determined they would have better tools to manage life, structure is key.

Alternatively a job where you're constantly "on" and running on adrenaline with no opportunity to slack can also work well.

My DH is like that. Great in a work crisis too because ooh, all the lovely dopamine! A chance to hyperfocus and not do any boring stuff!

OP I could have written your post bar the CCJ’s.
I am on the waiting list to be diagnosed been waiting 5 years so far but I’m not sure I even want a diagnosis. I am 50 and totally admit that I never thought about having adhd until I saw it on tik tok just like everyone else. I just assumed before that I am a fat, lazy slob who never takes pride in anything even if I do something well as nothing ever seems like an achievement. I’ve never been able to tidy, I didn’t leave home until my late 20’s and assumed it was because I was immature/behind. I’m one of those annoying people who in any conversation i will say , “oh yes I’ve done that” as I’ve had so many jobs & hobbies (including sports) over the years. I also struggle to discipline my kids (didn’t become a mum til 40) as I don’t have the wherewithal to see it through.

I often wonder how those who claim to have adhd manage to live such immaculate lives? Often on social media they’re beautiful and they’ve been able to sit still enough to apply great make up or dye their hair a range of colours, how? They talk about ‘struggling’ but they must overcome it somehow and that makes me feel even more of a failure. I’ve never found one sm account that looks like your post OP, I think that’s cos most of us would feel judged.

I’m not even sure I want a diagnosis. What happens if I haven’t got adhd and I am just a fat, lazy slob I’ve always assumed myself to be? And what happens if I have it? Can mediation make me tidy? Can it make me organised and not late and not be a massive pressure on my husband who doesn’t understand? I literally can’t imagine how that would work!

It doesn’t sound like laziness at all, it sounds like untreated or unsupported ADHD, and I actually got formally diagnosed through ADHD Certify. Getting that validation helped me realise these patterns weren’t moral failures, they were executive function issues.

The people who look like they’re “thriving” often have treatment, structure, or support you don’t see. Same condition doesn’t mean same resources. You’re not broken, you’re overwhelmed and probably carrying a lot of shame. Support makes a real difference.

@WhatsConfusingYouIsTheNatureOfMyGame funny I work in a role which is constant firefighting. I love a crisis, I love ‘all hands on deck’. Before that I did jobs where I was physically exhausted, loved working in busy cafes near train stations and being constantly on the go all hours of the day.

DH has ADHD, diagnosed as a child. I have ASD, diagnosed at 17. We’ve just had to accept our roles are different, like I accept that I am the planner and organiser for 70% of things. If I give him a list, he does it, we have a big daily planner on the wall that I fill in. We have a list by the door where I write anything of great importance. We use the TimeTree app as well which is really useful. He still plans date night and surprises me often with things I like, but most of the planning is my job. It can be a bit annoying but he helps me with a lot of my issues as well, so we are a very good team. He does pull his weight and probably does more house work than me. We pay my mum to clean once a week (she’s retired but she needs something to do, she’s one of them) and that really helps. I handle the finances, but he brings in a lot more money than me.

I know it can be pretty hard for him and sometimes I do get frustrated but I know I can be pretty annoying as well. There are also some positives of it - he has really good social skills and is a people person. People really like him. Basically always get a room upgrade whenever we stay away, he’s very good at diffusing tension (doesn’t matter if it’s between kids or adults). These are all areas where I am lacking. He is also better at wrangling all three children at the same time than I am, something I’m in awe of.

I think we make a good team but if we didn’t have each other neither of us would be able to maintain the life we have.