Why does no one talk about the more extreme traits of ADHD?

[Cantfinishanything]

My credit score is in hell. Multiple CCJs due to just forgetting parking tickets or not being able to cope.
Obese.
Problems with addiction and overspending.
Fixations I can’t move on from. Even though I know it’s boring to those around me.
Cant discipline my children as I can’t stick to rules even ones I’ve set myself.
In trouble at work due to not being able to do the parts of the job I find boring.
Constant interrupting even though I know I do it and I try really hard not to.
Lateness, being eternally bloody late even with waking up at 5 and feeling ready to go about an hour before I need to. Yes I know it’s rude.
Terrible at relationships as everything feels like it’s controlling and claustrophobic.
Poor physical health, cant stick to things even taking vitamins or exercise classes.
I spend so long just hating and feeling frustrated at myself.
Yet everyone thinks they have ADHD these days so why do I find it so hard to talk to people about these things? How can we have the same condition and yet you have a mortgage, successful marriage, beautiful well behaved children, stick to a routine, go to the gym and run marathons?

One thing I would caution you about - being open about struggles is a good thing and I think you should do it. BUT, I think it's very important to also be clear about what solutions you are aiming to implement and/or what specific help you might need. You haven't said if you're medicated and I think in your case, it would be important to seek medication if you haven't already.

Because one of the problems for any ND person is walking the line between asking for support/reasonable accomodations and, in the perception of the rest of the world, using it as an excuse.

DS has recently been resisting taking his meds. The inevitable result is that things have been less good at school and he's now on watchlist for lateness. This weekend we discussed that he needs to take his meds - and yes, we'll try some different ones - because he needs to get back into being on time. And the school is understanding of his ADHD, but are likely ot be less understanding if he is not ALSO putting in the work.

Also another negative, I’ve been in controlling relationships and I feel this is another coping strategy I’ve tried. I am drawn to these sort of controlling characters because the fear of upsetting them is that external ‘punishment’ I need to get things done or be normal. Really difficult to overcome as to friends and family, I appear ‘better’ when I’m in a relationship and then appear to ‘fall apart’ when single. I’m not better in relationships, I’m just terrified,

I can't open my mail. Got bailiffs threatening. Credit score non existent. And that's with meds.

meds changed my life. Please try them. That said, my kids were my hyper focus so I rarely forgot stuff when it came to them. I have a fear of being late so I'm early to everything. I have good support when I can't manage to clean my house etc or face shopping and cooking. I've been in the depths like you are and it's hell. But I also got out of it (pre meds). Mental health support, fresh air and exercise were what helped but it was a slow process. Also my sister helped me re debt by calling people. (I need her to help me again).

@ReadingCrimeFiction I agree it’s not about making excuses, but I want people to understand why things are hard for me.

I saw a reel on Instagram this morning. It was "apparently" a video about perspectives. The woman said "in the photo you're about to see, can you pick out 3 items that are blue". Up pops an image of a white desk with 4 or 5 blue items, a couple of white items and a yellow vase. Then it cuts back to her and she says "I bet you didn't notice the yellow vase because you were so focussed on looking for blue things....". I decided to look at the comments, because the yellow vase stuck out like a sore thumb and I wanted to see what other people had to say. It was just endless comments of "I have ADHD, I saw everything" or "I have ADHD so of course I saw the yellow Vase", or variations of such. It seems everyone who saw that video has ADHD.

So I genuinely believe this sort of content is created so people like me, who are undiagnosed but have been told (by a MH practitioner) that I "might" have ADHD, can use this simplistic nonsense for some confirmation bias and continue with their self diagnoses of ADHD. (I personally feel I have a little more about me than to just decide off of that what I may or may not have). The internet is full of this sort of thing and why as a PP said, it's so easy for people to label themselves, as so many do with OCD - which has absolutely nothing to do with how clean your kitchen is.

My reply doesn't help you at all, but given the video I saw this morning, I can see why you feel as you do.

That figures! I bet you're very good at that side of your work too, I notice the problem you mention there is the RSD rather than your performance in the rol. Hope it doesn't sound patronising to say that as someone who is not like that at all, I do envy that trait in others.

I bet your parenting is probably similar too, if you're like DH. He was of course appalling at things like appointments, but great at reactive stuff.

My 18 year has significant ADHD. She takes medication and this helps her function well at college Without medication her day would be a total write off. I ensure I am on top of ordering, getting her to appointments and ensuring she never runs out. I will be all over this for as long as possible.

It's sounds like you desperately need medication and maybe focus on getting that sorted and other things will become easier.

She's recently started going to the gym and has built this into her routine. This has give her mental health a significant boost and she's been much more regulated. This is where her autism can help as she likes routine and this is in turn helps her ADHD.

I also think that people who do have together have a lot of things adapted to us in our life. I look like I have it together but I don’t do anything todo with feeding our family (cooking, planning, shopping). I have a job that has flexible working so I can start when I like and end when I like, it has very few deadlines. I have a joint credit card with my husband which acts like a “body double” so I don’t over spend like in my 20s. Do I think I’d be coping without these adaptions? No not at all, I’m just lucky I’ve managed to set up my life that it seems like I’m together, but it’s still a struggle.

This 100%.

I look at my MIL who, I suspect, has absolutely AWFUL ADHD. She has had to sort of muddle through. She's extraordinarily intelligent which I think helped her becuase she figured out ways to do things for herself. But they were often ineffectiev and inefficient and she's struggled her whole life.

If she was a man however, she'd have been able to simply abandon all of that organising and mental load and just focus on where her super intelligence could have got her.

Neither DH or MIL are diagnosed but I feel confident that they have it. This weekend, DH very (unusually) got proactive - knowing that DD's BFF's mum was picking her up at 9 am he thought, "I should make sure I'm up to let her in". So he set an alarm for 8:50. It literally didn't cross his mind that with 2 10 year olds to manage, waiting up 10. minutes before pick up was NOT sufficient to be ready. It was a fascinating insight into his mind.

Neuro diversity is a spectrum. Some people will be more able than others.

I have 3 diagnosed ND ADHDers in my house and they are all completely different to each other and also similar in many ways.

It makes managing the household very challenging.

Comparison is the thief of joy @Cantfinishanything if you go about constantly comparing yourself to others you will make yourself miserable.

Have you considered access to work via gov.uk? I have employees who have benefited hugely from the support offerings that they recommend and your employer contributes to.

They will look at your specific challenges and make an "award" based on them.

I have had people have adhd coaching with a professional ND coach, specialised tablets, wfh setups and taxis all arranged and paid for via access to work for different people.

You may also be entitled to Pip and other benefits and there are charities that can help you with finances.

If you need more info on the support available to you let me know and I will add more.

My ADHD DH and DC love their concerta. The impact on their lives has been profound, and they don't have the severity of your symptoms.
My sister is just like you. Does a very physical job which helps, but struggles with everything else. Its hard for her and hard for her kids and husband. She refuses medication as feels there is nothing wrong with her, but she endlessly loses jobs, friendships and money. The worst is watching her 8 year old manage her.
Go try some medication, its worth a shot.

I am very similar with this! I do my work as it has important real world effects for other people, but I have been know to fail to claim my overtime until it's expired 😭

This. I have a female relative of that generation who is very similar!

DH didn't start to clock his ADHD until he moved up enough in work to be in the sort of role that 30 years ago would've come with a PA but now doesn't. I think there must've been a lot of bright, high functioning undiagnosed ADHD men like him who climbed the greasy pole simply because society built in organisational support for them. Especially when most people didn't need a degree to have successful careers. But now their kids are adults, we notice it more in a way that we didn't used to.

And you should, I agree. They will also find it easier to understand if you can tell them what tools you have in place.

eg, I used to get frustrated at DH/DS going to bed late because they were, in my mind, "faffing around". I have learnt that what they need from me in this context is to let them get on with it (and, in some cases, to accept with good grace their endless questions about things at this time of night) - they are, in their own ways, preparing for the day ahead and this "faffing" makes the next day x10 easier. For all of us.

When I told the school that DS couldn't just do a one hour detention sitting in silence, I didn't ask them to therefore cancel the detention. I offered ideas of what could happen instead which, to their credit, they enforced.

I hear you, especially the financial stuff. I’ve just messed ip a delay repay claim and am missing out on a wedge.my dining room resembles a warehouse, I need to sort returns before too late to return etc etc

I’ve been called scatty in the past, I mask well, present well for work - if only people saw the state of my bedroom…

self loathing is shit, I drink too much too

God, I hadn't even thought of this but you're so right. I remember all the jokes about "oh, I don't do anything unless Penny tells me I can" or whatever.

My dd is 22yo and has this ‘type’ of adhd. Her life is chaotic and messy and unhealthy. Alcohol and drugs play a big role. She is always late. She loses everything, forgets everything and is always saying she hates herself 😟 got a few GCSE’s (thanks to Covid!) but dropped out of college. Sleeps most of the day and up all night. Luckily she has a bar job working 4pm-1am. Managing to hang onto the job but is having issues with her manager, who does not know she has ADHD. Therefore there are no systems put in place to help her and she is constantly criticised… Bring on the RSD!

She has tried medication, but because her diet is so minimal ( she Often forgets to eat or can’t be bothered to cook) She can’t really take It because it affects her appetite even more. The medication also makes her extremely anxious.

yet….. put her in front of that bar, in a party environment, with loads and loads of customers in front of her and she absolutely THRIVES!

I feel for you OP, I really do, because I can see my daughter’s life going the same way as yours. It is so, so hard and I have tried to understand it as as much as I can (I am NT)

I really wouldn’t wish the severity of her ADHD on anyone.

Definitely, and I think it was a trope for a reason!

I'm not diagnosed, because I am autistic, and that part means I don't want to phone the doctor and ask for a referral because they'll tell me I'm stupid (RSD!) but I totally relate to your post. My youngest son is AuDHD, and it was when i was doing all his assesment questionnaires that I thought "this is all normal, I do all these things" 🤦‍♀️ Well, duh! I'm a carer for my older son who has autism and learning disabilities.

I'm a carer for my older son who has autism and learning disabilities. When he's at his day centre I have time to do housework, study, exercise,etc. Do I? Well, I've currently got a routine where I drop him off and do exercise, it's worked so far. But then i go home and get overwhelmed by the state of my house, the fact I'm behind on studying (part time OU course) and instead sit there thinking of everything that needs doing but paralysed and not doing it. Which is why I'm currently on Mumsnet!

Meanwhile, there is tons of washing everywhere, washing up, my house is full of clutter, I need to go to the tip, rooms need cleaning and decorating. And it's things like I bought a new tumble dryer as mine broke. And it took 2 weeks to get round to putting it in. A 5 minute job (a let's not mention the year it took to install the dishwasher )

I've been with my boyfriend years, and he's been in my house once, because I'm too ashamed to let him see how crap it is.

Oh but ADHD is just being a bit distracted and totes a superpower. Sure. 🙄

See that's the opposite for me. I find that if I'm constantly firefighting, which in my job means loads of different tasks, gets me more stressed. If I'm just doing mostly routine work under great time pressures, or one or two big things that are pressured, that's fine. It's when I have to move from a to b to c then another a then d then f then another b followed by another a then an e and an f all in the space of 2 hours that's what gets to me.

Someone up thread said about it being the emotional regulation, and that's where it gets to me. I genuinely don't realise when I'm over-talking, or getting loud, or starting to get worked up about something. The majority of people I work with understand that a quick "you're getting loud" or "go for a 5 min break" or even just "bit busy, can't chat" snaps me straight back but without that I can just escalate. I was told recently that I have to self regulate, and there was just zero understanding that I just CAN'T and it's not by choice.

I was late diagnosed, aged 60. ADHD wasn't a "thing" in the 60's and 70's, then it was just naughty boys who would grow out of it. Then there was the general view that the hyperactivity element meant physically only so if you were more sedate physically (like I was due to back issues) meant it wasn't considered.

Gods know how I managed to hold down decent jobs for years but as time went by my mental health suffered more and more which eventually lead to more than one breakdown. So then I was in that awful cycle where you don't have the energy to mask any longer or as well as before, not helped in my case by permanent pain which is also exhausting, so I'd lose a job, so I'd get more stressed, and more tired, and find it harder to mask.....

I completely hear you. I think, right now, your mental health is in the way of supporting anything that might help your adhd. You’re in a cycle of self flagellation where you don’t believe you do anything right and so
much energy is focused on what you do wrong that there’s nothing left to provide structure.

im afraid im one of those adhd people who runs. I started running about 10 years ago in the middle of a breakdown and quickly realised that it was essential for my mental health. My house is a shit tip. I’m torn between “I must set up routines to get this sorted” and “why the fuck am I the only person who does anything around here?”

I don’t know what the answer is but I definitely hear you.

It always boggled my mind that some autistic adults could be comfortable with self-diagnosis. I needed to know either way, and would have accepted a yes or no. Yes, there's a wait in the UK, but if you're an autistic adult its not like your brain wiring is going anywhere soon!
I got my diagnosis because the people closest to me kept saying there was something wrong with me 🤣 I'd have been perfectly fine bumbling along as I was, but once that was put to me I needed an answer!

When it comes to mental health, people forget everything is on a spectrum and it only needs a diagnosis if something causes a problem in your life, rather than just being a personality trait. So if I look at myself, I would say I have a personality that aligns most with high-functioning autistic traits BUT none of what I experience is causing me distress, harm or issues in my life. I don't need a diagnosis, and I certainly shouldn't be describing myself as autistic etc.

It's fashionable to have a label these days and people definitely do identify themselves into diagnoses where it's actually more of a personality trait (ADHD for scatterbrains, OCD for organised people, autistic for socially awkward etc.) ; it takes focus and resources away from those who do experience these conditions which cause real problems! Perhaps the term nerodiversity hasn't helped - nobody is truly neurotypical if you think about it.

Increasingly, I'm starting to think that SIL also has ADHD. Like her mother, I think she sort of coped and had strategies but, as life has got a lot harder for her (for totally legitimate reasons), it's all gone pear shaped. And she's now in a really awful spiral. But again, the irony is that this is a problem because she is a WOMAN. And a single mother at that. Neither her nor her ex are really capable of parenting but she's the one who is nonetheless giving it a red hot go. He swans in now and again and everything thinks that's enough. Standards for the men are just so much LOWER than for women.

Same with Autism. Saying its anything less than a gift upsets the most able to be vocal.