to be sick of silent DH during meals?

[Bubblewrappery]

DH has always been like this and I'm now totally sick of it.

Every meal time he will focus on his food and ignore any conversation. It's as though he comes up for air at the end and might then acknowledge us. He doesn't eat quickly and his manners are otherwise fine, but this is really, really pissing me off.

We have two DC and one in particular is a chatter. Every single mealtime, it's me fielding her questions; commenting on things the DC say; adding to the conversation etc, etc. He just sits and eats, barely even noticing us.

We went out for DS's birthday meal yesterday, and I was furious because, yet again, DH just ate and ignored. It wasn't a cheap meal and I would have liked some company from him!

Over the years I bring this up (as do the DC), but he just gets annoyed,

AIBU to expect him to contribute to conversation?

Some people equally hate talking whilst eating, I think it'd quite rude to impose your way, he is entitled to enjoy his meal the way he prefers imo.

Does he talk to the children before and after the meal?

YANBU but also it sounds like he’s always been like this so he won’t change now…

Just to add - the conversation can sometimes be about things a DC is worried about, so it's not all light-hearted chat, and I could do with his input. I don't think he even listens in. It's really bloody annoying.

As above. He should be allowed to enjoy his meal as he sees fit. If he’s always been that way he’s not going to change.

But isn’t he imposing his way on her? Why aren’t you accusing him of rudeness? How is it fair that his way always wins?

OMG I would love for my DH to just STFU during mealtimes and not jibber jabber on! He talks constantly and keeps looking over at me to answer when my mouth's full of food! So IMO YABU @Bubblewrappery Just eat your food! If you are so unhappy with him not chatting, just eat away from him - on a tray in front of the TV or something!

You say he's always been like this so you are unreasonable to expect him to change.
What's that saying about men marrying and hoping their wife won't change and women marrying and hoping their husbands will change ?

Since you know he won’t talk during the meal, can you put aside a different time to discuss these issues together ?
Mealtimes are not the only time you can talk.

No, I don't think he'll change.

The thing is, it means that I can't ever have a quiet meal, when I'd like to. Why should he be able to have zero contribution and leave me to it. We can't both be silent and totally ignore the DC, and but we could share out the chat and the quiet!

Why should DH's preferences trump the idea of cooperation?

Yeah, in that saying. BOTH are unreasonable!

I hate talking while eating too.

Some people do find it really hard to concentrate while eating, I am becoming increasingly like this and not sure why. I find I can't seem to hear my husband if I'm chewing a mouthful of food and he's talking 😅 I also hate when I'm chewing and he asks a questions then looks at me while I chewing waiting for a reply gaah! Obviously talking before or after or perhaps putting down cutlery and joining in a chat would be ideal but some people do just find it hard to do both things and do a half job at both you know.

This is clearly how he eats. If he chats at other times, perhaps avoid making meals with him a social affair- don’t take him to restaurants!

I imagine it’s annoying, but that’s how he does it.

Why should DH's preferences trump the idea of cooperation?

Why should yours though?

Op I'm with you 100% I have this and have massively struggled with it over the years.

I have to try and prime him to make an effort for special occasions.

I think it's extremely selfish and inward looking
However in our case I feel it's learned behaviour from DH because his parents are just such a nightmare ! I think his way of dealing with it is silently trying to get through his meal.
But he knows it's miserable and upsets me and like you op, we have one super chatty child and it's me trying to field queries and questions .

I'm not asking for him to change just be aware and chip in. When we go out for dinner I take card games which helps and forces his interaction which seems to loosen things up before the meal

Nothing worse than trying to change someone it rarely works

wonder where the kids get there chattyness at meal times from

I wouldn't have got past a single date with someone who couldn't make conversation over dinner. He's unlikely to change now.

What sort of things are your DC wanting to discuss? If it's concerns about things like bullying, or not keeping up with their work, or similar themes, aren't those best left for protected time where you can focus on the problems, rather than at mealtimes.

i wonder if your DH is deliberately not getting involved, because it's overwhelming trying to navigate such complexity while trying to eat, so he's signalling that the timing isn't great and to discuss things like that at a different time.

Unless he is asking OP to be silent during meals he is not imposing his way on her.

If you asked him afterwards on your own what he thinks about this issue what would he say ? If you said the child feels that he doesn't care and is ignoring them does that illicit a response?

As you said “he has always been like this”.

Why marry somebody you want to change?

These are the things you decide upon when dating.

He has always been like this. What did you expect?

My H’s dad used to make the family sit in silence whilst he listened to radio 4 during dinner time - H hated it.

It is possible to eat, have conversation, eat, you know do both and enjoy mealtimes together, as a social event around a table. We do but then me and H did before we got married and had children.

I doubt it will change, he hasn’t needed to do far and he has a wife and children, so why would he? You can either accept this characteristic of him and carry on chatting without him, at least he isn’t expecting you all to sit in silence, and then he joins in the conversation after he has finished eating or you don’t and lay down an ultimatum which you are prepared to carry out.

Have you tried taking the piss? That’s what I would do. Oh Daddy can’t eat and have a conversation that’s too difficult for him. Type thing. See if pointing out his fuck weird mealtime ego might spark him into change.

You knew this about him when you chose to marry him.

i think you will just have to learn to live with it
and enjoy your dc's chat

I also hate chatting while eating. Guess that’s why I find eating in restaurants difficult now as it appears rude to sit silently. I find it preferable to eat alone and chat at other times. It doesn’t mean anyone is right or wrong. It may go back to childhood when it really was a case of no talking at the dinner table. However I didn’t bring my own children up like this it’s only as I’m getting older and more solitary