to be sick of silent DH during meals?

[Bubblewrappery]

DH has always been like this and I'm now totally sick of it.

Every meal time he will focus on his food and ignore any conversation. It's as though he comes up for air at the end and might then acknowledge us. He doesn't eat quickly and his manners are otherwise fine, but this is really, really pissing me off.

We have two DC and one in particular is a chatter. Every single mealtime, it's me fielding her questions; commenting on things the DC say; adding to the conversation etc, etc. He just sits and eats, barely even noticing us.

We went out for DS's birthday meal yesterday, and I was furious because, yet again, DH just ate and ignored. It wasn't a cheap meal and I would have liked some company from him!

Over the years I bring this up (as do the DC), but he just gets annoyed,

AIBU to expect him to contribute to conversation?

make sure everyone stays at the table afterwards, or sits early, so they can chat perhaps?

Yanbu, I'd hate that. It's really good to have a part of the day where the family sits together and chats. We've always eaten at the table at dinnertime so that we could enjoy hearing about everyone's day, discuss the news together, have a laugh.

Both my now adult kids have told me that none of their friends ever did the same, and that they're so glad that we did. We have a lovely close relationship with them and their partners also.

However - you say "Over the years I bring this up (as do the DC), but he just gets annoyed". What do you mean by that? Do you bring it up at the dinner table, or when you're otherwise having a nice calm conversation? What form does his annoyance take, what does he say?

Just trying to get a handle on it from his point of view. Is he silent because he just wants to eat in silence, would he prefer if there was complete silence at the table? Or is he choosing to ignore everyone because he's not really engaged with you all? I suppose I'm really asking what kind of husband he is?

He isn't imposing on anyone, he is juat eating his meal in peace fgs.
If he was telling you all to shut up then you'd have something to complain about but he isn't.
And if you want a meal in peace why don't you occassionally let your child know you will be happy to talk after dinner?

OP, my DH is similar and it really annoys me too. I find it boring and also don’t think it’s nice for the kids- or me for that matter! I think it’s important to chat at dinner table and it’s mainly up to me to keep the convo going and to answer to kids’ questions and comments. And quite often the kids will also start their sentence ”mummy, why xxxx”. So it’s often like they already expect me to be the one to talk to them. Frankly, this is a pretty major issue for me, but it’s partially due to my DHs personality and not really something he does out of rudeness or so. I wonder if we’ll be eating in silence once the kids are gone - this wouldn’t be something I’d be happy with.

Having children changes the equation. He's still a parent during meal times, and can't unilaterally decide opt, e.g. helping them eat - cutting up their food if needed, encouraging them to try new food, encouraging them to sit quietly until everyone has finished etc.

You can be childish and repeat that from both sides or you can be an adult and discuss it without getting angry, as OP says her DH does

There gas to be some way of discussing this and coming to a compromise, as that is what adults, parents do

Cant believe the answers on here. Meals in our house are family times. If someone sat there not talking/answering his own children and leaving it all up to his wife, I’d be so angry. Is @Bubblewrappery allowed to ever have a nice meal where she gets to eat her meal in peace?
What is it teaching children if both parents want to eat in silence, sit and eat your food in silence. How joyless!

Just say “what do you think?” To him when DC asks a question
I don’t think it deserves being moaned at tbh

i wonder if the more he ignores everyone the more they misbehave, or the louder they talk?

If you want a quiet meal time for yourself sometimes, just be silent and point to your mouth and mumble.
"I'm chewing, DC, ask Daddy."
or
"Careful, DC, do not speak while you are chewing, you could choke."
or
"Remember to chew with your mouth closed, DC, you can chatter when you've eaten your vegetables."

Or you could turn on some quiet background music. or bird calls on a CD.

DH has always been like this

Then why expect a change now?

I would hate this also and find it rude. What is he like when the two of you go for a meal?

So he can eat on his own.

Rude

I assume everyone who dislikes talking and eating never eats out with other people, or has dinner with non-family?

Oh come on, it's hardly the OP's "way"! It's entirely normal and typical in our culture (in all cultures I'm aware of, other than maybe Trappist monks) to converse and interact while eating - and fairly rude to do otherwise.

Because he’s now a parent and his kids are talking to him!!

I don't like having a conversation while eating. I don't like people talking to me either. Some people don't.

As long as this is the only time and he doesn't ignore you in general.

I agree with you OP. My husband was like this when we met, which I found a bit frustrating when out to the restaurant etc, but fair enough. His mum is like that too.

But with kids now he has had to adapt, it would drive me mad if he was ignoring the rest of us whilst I had manage the conversation. And I don't think it's reasonable to tell the kids to stay quiet the entire meal.

The mum probably.

But isn’t he imposing his way on her?

No. He's not. She's talking to the kids. She can talk to/at him. Hes just not talking.

How is it fair that his way always wins?

You can't make him guilty on a false premise and then complain about unfairness.

Yes, he is imposing all the parenting on OP.

He's failing to parent his children, failing to show them they matter, and failing to teach them normal mealtime behaviour.

I mean, mine forced us to have civilised conversations over the dinner table and I hated it. But I'd far rather have that than be left with the impression that silently staring at the contents of your fork is acceptable!

You want to talk during meals - he doesn’t. Why should he change because you prefer something different

Children often find it easier to talk about difficult things when it's a less intense setting eg whilst driving somewhere, sharing a task with a parent, or over a meal.

It really doesn't take much brain power to eat - DH has been eating meals with a knife and fork for probably decades. It's not like he's having to solve an engineering problem or a mathematical equation whilst eating - just participating in conversation with his children!

If he's always been like this then he's possibly an introvert, ND, or just plain rude.

None of which is a reason for him to continue to be like this.

Perhaps compromise on certain times when he will participate in mealtime conversation, eg for meals out. But also for some meals just at home.

Compromise - so it's not always what just one of you (DH) wants.

Personally, it would drive me mad. When we have family round, meals are the hub of family chatter, lively and interesting, the food actually comes a close second to the conversation.

When it's just me and husband at home, we often do our own thing, but when we eat out, it's a social time. That means no phones at the table (my pet hate) and time to catch up on everything.

If your husband has always been like this, I'm afraid it would be rather hopeless at this stage to expect him to change. Men in particular become more set in their ways the older they become.

I think if he wants a life doing what pleases him then he shouldn't have a wife and kids.

Having a partner and (even more so) kids involves compromise. Sometimes doing things you don't want to do because it's the right thing as a partner or parent.

He should be trying to engage with his kids at least.