to be sick of silent DH during meals?

[Bubblewrappery]

DH has always been like this and I'm now totally sick of it.

Every meal time he will focus on his food and ignore any conversation. It's as though he comes up for air at the end and might then acknowledge us. He doesn't eat quickly and his manners are otherwise fine, but this is really, really pissing me off.

We have two DC and one in particular is a chatter. Every single mealtime, it's me fielding her questions; commenting on things the DC say; adding to the conversation etc, etc. He just sits and eats, barely even noticing us.

We went out for DS's birthday meal yesterday, and I was furious because, yet again, DH just ate and ignored. It wasn't a cheap meal and I would have liked some company from him!

Over the years I bring this up (as do the DC), but he just gets annoyed,

AIBU to expect him to contribute to conversation?

I agree 100%

Isn't it normal in most cultures that be eating together is a social thing? When I was a child we all ate together in the evening and it was when we all got a chance to discuss our day and what had happened at school/work. Thankfully DH was the same so when we had DC we tried to do the same as soon as they were old enough to sit at the table.

There is just DH and I at home now for most of the time but meal times are still a shared and sociable affair - breakfast, lunch and dinner. We also like to eat out fairly often, even if it is just a lunch and it would be bizarre to sit in silence.

I am guessing @Bubblewrappery that when you and your DH were dating you didn't go out for many meals? I mean, If you did they can't have been much fun.

It feels like there are varying extremes and then a happy medium.

Totally silent even when a response is clearly called for - not ok

Monologuing on and on, or expecting others to reply constantly even with a mouth full, or talking with a mouthful yourself - also not ok

Varying degrees of talking a bit, or a certain amount of companionable silence, answering any questions from DC and generally acting as part of a family - part of the happy medium range

I remember an ex I dated for a while once talked through an entire Sunday lunch. Everyone else (four other people) had finished and cleared their plates while he rattled on - his was still full and basically untouched!!

Dinner time is primarily time to eat, although you can talk a little. You can talk properly at the table over a drink afterwards. You can talk properly at the table before your food arrives.

Personally, I'm not going to let my food go cold in the name of conversation. There is plenty of other time to talk.

You don't like him very much, do you?
Maybe teach your child to be quiet during meals, as well.

YANBU. For me one of life’s pleasures is to go out and eat and that involves conversation. If we take the kids we take uno or top trump cards to keep us occupied while we wait for the food, and we chat about other things too. It’s just our way of doing things. I meet friends for dinner and a conversation too as does my husband. Doesn’t your husband go out to eat with friends?

It's not an either or!!! Perfectly possible to sustain a conversation between mouthfuls you know, without offending anyone. I hate lip smacking and slurping noises too but have usually found people over the age of about 5 can learn how to not do that but still join in a sociable conversation round the table.

Food is supposed be enjoyed.
Mealtimes are supposed to be enjoyed, this involves food and company. I don't think there is anything particularly normal about eating in complete silence.

That sounds miserable, I would really hate that. Glad your kids haven't copied him.

She knew about this when she chose to marry him.

He won't change so leave him to eat with them on his own sometimes.
His comfort is more important to him than engaging with his children during meal time.
Poor behaviour.

What, that he wouldn't do any parenting during meals? Unless they already had kids before getting married, no, she didn't know that.

I always struggled to get up in the morning before having kids. Does that mean I could have unilaterally opted out of the early mornings and morning school runs because my husband 'knew about this when he chose to marry me'? Of course not.

Well I think OP is more exasperated than actively disliking him, and exasperation often leads to resentment which is turn can lead to dislike.
Teaching children to be quiet over mealtimes feels like the Victorian equivalent of ‘Children should be seen and not heard’ I thought that was widely condemned by society now? Humans are social animals and the ability to communicate well is an essential skill which will enable you to succeed and have a much better quality of life overall than a reclusive lifestyle (I am sure for some people being a recluse is absolutely fine and their happy place, but this is generally the exception rather than the rule).
In OPs case, her husband is either exhausted and can’t find the energy for talking, or is a selfish bastard, who thinks everything home and child related is under OPs jurisdiction and he gets to zone out and think his own thoughts in peace, no effort on his part needed. The fact he gets pissed at OP when she mentions it, makes me hypotheses it’s the latter. If it’s the former then I’d suggest making mealtime family time on days dh isn’t working, when he’s had time to recalibrate and have some downtime, and a bit of headspace for general chitchat, If it’s the ‘selfish bastard’ angle, well divorce is probable on the horizon as I otherwise OP is stuck in a lonely marriage, and once her kids have upped and gone, she’ll be bereft of any real company.

Some of these posts are strange.

Dinner parties, dinner dates, meals out with friends - these things exist in our society because conversation over food is normal, meals aren’t just about consuming food.

Some people don’t find social situations easy, but you do need to make an effort.

(I really wouldn’t have married a man who had no conversation over dinner.)

It's just another way of opting out of family responsibility though isn't it? I'm sure we'd all like to do other things instead of parenting sometimes. But engaging with your children is parenting and he needs to participate.
I prefer to zone out on the way to work to think abput the day ahead but when I have to drop the children off I need to engage. Having children means putting your own needs on hold sometimes.

That’s terrible advice! It’s bad enough her dh is rude at dinner /has poor social skills, but don’t teach your dcs to think rudeness and lack of conversation is a good thing!

People who are unable to hold an interesting conversation over dinner are dull. Parents should not be training their children to be dull adults without basic social skills.

This is me. I'll happily chat before the meal, I'll happily chat after the meal, but I'm not chatting during the meal.

I like my food hot, and I like to properly enjoy my food. So while I'm eating, I'm eating, not talking. And if I've finished and DP hasn't, then I'm going to let her enjoy her meal. Nothing wrong with a comfortable silence while we eat, there's 23.5 other hours in the day to talk.

Well OP you can see the surly recalcitrance of those who share your husband’s view.

Most of them wish everyone else would STFU too at meals, and always in fact, while you’re at it.

It isn’t so much that he won’t change- it is that he can’t. Basically this is a social disability that he has and it wouldn’t change if you got run over by a bus. Whatever physical reaction this stirs up in him, for example cringe or ick, it won’t ever stop.
Your best bet is to just accept this as a horrid flaw in his personality, and hope that the rest of him makes it bearable!

So many people on this thread talking about wanting to be left in silence to 'enjoy my food', or 'he is entitled to enjoy his meal' ... is giving me the ick.

You say he gets "annoyed"..but ?
What does he actually give as a reason for never talking during meals. I assume you've asked him this as a direct question and hes given you some kind of answer ?

He’s not imposing his way. That would be insisting his wife and children also stay silent.

This thread is truly a glimpse into a world I never knew existed. Had no idea so many people want silence when breaking bread with others, including their own family.

He shouldn't be ignoring his kids at any time, regardless of personal foibles around eating.

Does he make conversation at other times?

I would hate this. Meals are meant to be convivial, a time to chat and enjoy each other’s company. It’s also a life skill to teach one’s children.

I also find people that are ‘eyes down’ during a meal incredibly unattractive.

There’s 2 camps hear one likes talking through meals one doesn’t both are reasonable options
if OP wants to to level things up why doesn’t she join him with no conversation around meals

You knew he was like this when you married him. Why should he change to suit your preferences? You and the DC can save the serious chats for after dinner.