to be sick of silent DH during meals?

[Bubblewrappery]

DH has always been like this and I'm now totally sick of it.

Every meal time he will focus on his food and ignore any conversation. It's as though he comes up for air at the end and might then acknowledge us. He doesn't eat quickly and his manners are otherwise fine, but this is really, really pissing me off.

We have two DC and one in particular is a chatter. Every single mealtime, it's me fielding her questions; commenting on things the DC say; adding to the conversation etc, etc. He just sits and eats, barely even noticing us.

We went out for DS's birthday meal yesterday, and I was furious because, yet again, DH just ate and ignored. It wasn't a cheap meal and I would have liked some company from him!

Over the years I bring this up (as do the DC), but he just gets annoyed,

AIBU to expect him to contribute to conversation?

he doesn't like to talk during meals, fair enough.

Do you specifically want to talk through meals? Is it talking and eating that is important to you or is it that mealtimes are convenient because people are together and it gives the opportunity to discuss stuff and chat?

If the former then that's just a basic incompatibility and hard to sort out.

If the latter then the obvious way to resolve it is to separate meal time from chat time. Have a family half hour a day where you all come together and chat. It can be anything, a board game would be a good example. Or just sitting together in the living room and talking.

That way important conversations are not taking place during meal times, he doesn't need to chat, you don't need to feel like you have to talk through serious issues, you can even say let's talk about this after dinner, or just keep to light chat because you know you have a time scheduled where you can all participate.

Being silent through a meal can be seen as a bad thing but equally so can chatting your way through it. There's a middle ground.

I disagree. However, this was because if I was being ignored as a kid, I wasn't as likely to receive a sudden slap or punch around the side of the head - and as one of my siblings found out once, if you irritate them whilst there's a carving knife in the hand, it can be worse than that.

Didn't always play out that way for me, mind. The 3am Shock and Awe or sudden attacks from behind for an undisclosed offence (I would never, ever sit with my back to a room as a result of the latter) still happened. But generally, if I was being ignored, it was peaceful, albeit slightly unnerving because I'd be watching and waiting for the explosion all the time.

Being cornered by the ex into performative speech for his sense of grandiosity was not on my list of something I was prepared to do. Could we just be left the hell alone to eat, to relax and maybe talk if there's no pressure to do so, especially when there had been at least an hour of at least one child perched on top of the freezer chattering to me about their day whilst I cleaned the kitchen and/or cooked? Oh, no, we had to do our little speaking tricks like good little pets.

Fuck that and good riddance to him.

This thread is infuriatingly bonkers!!! The OP would like to have some quiet time too....what are they meant to do? Both sit in silence and ignore the DC?

It doesn't matter if your preference is to sit in silence. That's my preference too but I'm hardly going to ignore my children!

Yes. Any other basics you need help with? Brushing your teeth without spattering the mirror ? Getting dressed without tucking your skirt into your pants?

Op, I am so with you. Conversation over dinner (I accept that at breakfast people can read the paper, listen to the news, check emails and surface towards the at their own pace) is a mark of rational, civilised and pleasant society. My in-laws are perfectly capable of sitting through a meal in silence. If DH ages into this habit, he’ll find himself unmarried to me. It’s selfish and bad-mannered not to do even the bare minimum of asking how someone’s day went, what they think of x, or might they want to do y at the weekend.

But maybe some people have already had those conversations elsewhere? You seem to have set ideas about what behaviour should take place when and where.

I think if people are sitting down together for dinner, possibly to a meal that one of the party present has planned, shopped for and prepared, the least people can do is to show a bit of interest in each other and make a small effort to make and affirm connections through conversation. Yes, that’s what I think and it’s how I be have. Never thought it controversial.

Only when it's my eldest DD Not the others

Small children can be quite full.on with questions or telling a story, but I still dont think it qualifies as yapping, jabbering etc....and there are polite ways to ask children to maybe take turns or listen to someone else. more of a problem with adults who monopolise the conversation (OP doesnt say how old her DC are)
But saying there are 23.5 other hours in the day is silly. Many of those will be spent at school/work and sleeping....shared mealtimes are (i thought?) a natural place for conversation to happen. Certainly in our family we dont and never have had several spare hours to have a whole family chat during the working week

I'm a bit confused. If he was always like this, did the 2 of you just eat in complete silence every single meal until you had the kids? What happens if you go out with wider family or friends?

Also when you say he does it at restaurants as well, does he engage with you while you're waiting for the food to come? Because if so that is weird. If it's just for the relatively short period while you're actually eating and he otherwise spends a lot of time listening to the kids, is part of the bedtime routine, takes them out on his own, then preferring to eat quietly is less of an issue.

Not even a spare 20 minutes?

Is he Captain Von Trapp?

I agree.

OP, I bet he doesn't disappear into his plate when he's at at a table with his own friends or colleagues.