to be sick of silent DH during meals?

[Bubblewrappery]

DH has always been like this and I'm now totally sick of it.

Every meal time he will focus on his food and ignore any conversation. It's as though he comes up for air at the end and might then acknowledge us. He doesn't eat quickly and his manners are otherwise fine, but this is really, really pissing me off.

We have two DC and one in particular is a chatter. Every single mealtime, it's me fielding her questions; commenting on things the DC say; adding to the conversation etc, etc. He just sits and eats, barely even noticing us.

We went out for DS's birthday meal yesterday, and I was furious because, yet again, DH just ate and ignored. It wasn't a cheap meal and I would have liked some company from him!

Over the years I bring this up (as do the DC), but he just gets annoyed,

AIBU to expect him to contribute to conversation?

I don’t think it’s reasonable to berate him for not talking, if that’s how he was brought up and that’s how he feels comfortable. If he was barking at the rest of you for talking and demanding silence, that would be unacceptable, but it doesn’t sound like he is. He just prefers to eat quietly. Leave him be, as long as he’s not blanking you or the children when he isn’t eating.

Obviously I get it, but my point is if he was always like this then that is who he is and she can't really complain now if it didn't bother her in the past.

those that don’t like talking at mealtimes…what do you do when you go out with your partner or whoever for a meal in a restaurant, just sit there in silence?! How boring!

Wondering if there's a crossover in the pps who use
Jabbering, nattering, yapping, inane chatter, lip smacking etc
With those on other threads who describe eating as scoffing, shovelling, stuffing, etc!

Could be polar opposites, too. Criticising for eating vs criticising for not pretending food is a secondary purpose and it's all about the conversation, not the calories.

Some conversation is fine but I don't want to have to gulp down a mouthful of food to answer endless questions. You can talk after eating or between courses if out. Most people have some conversation during a meal, but given that the OP wishes she could eat her meal in peace some times it sounds more sensible to encourage the children to eat their meal and have time for a family chat round the table when everyone has finished, and the chat being everyone gets to talk not just the children. Children need to learn to listen as well as talk.

He can use words to "signal" that, then. He's not a horse or a dog.

YANBU I'd love to eat a meal in peace, but I can't, becuase I have kids. I also can't drive in silence or walk at a pace I want or many other things. Becuase I'm a parent and kids need your input in their lives. By ignoring everyone he's leaving the meal time parenting to you. But you know that won't change. So make it even by making him in charge of another times parenting. When you can sit in peace and he is charge of answering questions etc.

Certainly not for me.

From a child that was brought up by a don't speak unless spoken to dad who routinely ignored us. I felt unheard and unloved and I can tell you from experience this is worse. Being ignored is so damaging to self esteem and self worth

Listen to who? You mean the op needs to redirect the conversation to pleasant trivialities and maintain that since the whole thread is about her husband pretends to be a deaf mute at meals, so he’s not going to carry this and she’s hardly going to be catching up on his day or engaging in light conversation with the other adult or sharing the load.

My guess the crossover will be quite high with people who parent with phrases like “empty vessels…” and “better to be thought a fool…” . The ones who love their children so much more when they are silent /asleep/ somewhere else.

I certainly liked my DDs far more when they werent arguing and winding each other up at the dinner table.

Silence was definately golden then

@Bubblewrappery

I just find this very odd! Especially at a family meal, which is really when the connection happens. It is an odd thing to be role modelling, and yeah, lonely….

What is he doing when silent and chewing? Is he listening? Day dreaming? Counting his chews?

From a child that was brought up by a don't speak unless spoken to dad who routinely ignored us. I felt unheard and unloved and I can tell you from experience this is worse. Being ignored is so damaging to self esteem and self worth

Who says he ignores his kids? He could be speaking to them the other 23.5 hours a day they are not at the dinner table

What’s with all the handmaids on this thread? Why does this man get to IGNORE his wife and children while sat at a table? It’s absolutely shit behavior. Kids talk at dinner, parents HAVE to respond - you don’t get to opt out.

I can’t believe this! Meal times around the table are also a time to socialise. My DH and I discuss our days, we discuss politics, we talk about everything over the dinner table.

When the DGC are over or we have guests the conversation flows.

My DH, grew up in a family where there was no talking allowed at the dinner table (many years ago and I know OP your situation isn’t as extreme), and he just loves the ambiance of food, conversation and laughter or debate.

My SIL, woofs his food down though, so we can’t get much out of him around the table. But his meal is over so quickly, and then he joins.

Also, getting angry about you wanting to discuss it with him is a bit extreme. Why can’t he just express how he feels. It might help you to understand and he could just say to DC,
”look kids, daddy is not being rude, I just don’t like to talk when I eat”. This could inspire the children to lightheartedly challenge him.

OP, you say your DH has always been like this and so will not change. What will you do about it?

@ItsOkItsDarkChocolateyou made me laugh!

How many thousands of chews do you think would constitute a meal.

Rather than minimising others experiences if you dont agree ot like something just move on?
Perspectives and opinions will differ. Have a great day

It was asking a question And who the hell do to think you are to tell me what to do?

Ah OP, I do sympathise, my mum is like this and it does actually embarrass me if we're in company. We can be out for dinner with family we haven't seen for ages/at a wedding and as soon as the food comes out she just fully focuses on it and doesn't acknowledge anyone or join in in any conversation.

It's weird and frustrating but I don't know what you can really do about it if you have already brought it up and got nowhere before.

I don't think anyone is expecting people to try and talk whilst they're eating. Surely polite conversation around the dinner table allows you to model, not talking with your mouth full, good table manners etc.

"jabbering on constantly" wow, I'd absolutely hate for my children to ever perceive this was how I felt about their efforts to tell me about their days

Exactly, the level of spite in this, never mind hypocrisy, is extraordinary.

When this poster speaks it’s conversation, but when other people speak it’s “jabbering on.”.