to be sick of silent DH during meals?

[Bubblewrappery]

DH has always been like this and I'm now totally sick of it.

Every meal time he will focus on his food and ignore any conversation. It's as though he comes up for air at the end and might then acknowledge us. He doesn't eat quickly and his manners are otherwise fine, but this is really, really pissing me off.

We have two DC and one in particular is a chatter. Every single mealtime, it's me fielding her questions; commenting on things the DC say; adding to the conversation etc, etc. He just sits and eats, barely even noticing us.

We went out for DS's birthday meal yesterday, and I was furious because, yet again, DH just ate and ignored. It wasn't a cheap meal and I would have liked some company from him!

Over the years I bring this up (as do the DC), but he just gets annoyed,

AIBU to expect him to contribute to conversation?

In some cultures it is rude to chit chat while eating. You’re meant to focus on the course of food. Between courses you compliment the dishes and relaxing after the meal is when you’re meant to chit chat.

Life skills include being aware there is no one right way to eat a meal.

Ok but in British culture, eyes down on your food, no conversation is rude. The OP is raising her dcs in the UK, so it’s social norms here she needs to prepare her dcs for firstly.

Im assuming her dh doesn’t come from a culture where table conversations would be seen as rude, so it doesn’t lower his twat levels that this would be ok in other countries they don’t live in.

Yes- what’s wrong with these people they need to shovel food in as quickly as possible with no distractions? Are they very stupid that their brains can’t possible both process the sensory experience of the food and ask the people they are dining with about their day?

If we assume her DH is a dyed in the wool Englishman raised with middle class manners but is choosing to be rude, I still fall back to OP knew he couldn’t/doesnt do chit chat when he is eating before she married him. A man is not a puppy you can train how you like. You marry him, you accept small quirks
Iike this and shouldn’t be later full of sour grapes over it.

DH eats very fast so doesn't talk when at the table. I stop after a bite or two and ask how everyone's day was. DH will only talk occasionally

I would hate this but in all honesty probably wouldn't have married someone who wouldn't talk during meals. My DH and I have had so many lovely holidays, trips, date nights etc that included amazing meals where we talked and bonded. When we go for date nights now its a chance to enjoy nice food and talk about non house related stuff etc

When it comes to kids, I feel like showing them a healthy family dynamic over meal times is important. Meals are one the few times in a busy day the family is in one place and has a chance to open up etc and if he's completely checking out of that, that isnt fair.

Have you sat him down, alone, outside of a meal time, and discussed it?

Interesting that some think that conversation must be ‘inane’ chatter. I guess those are the ones who do prefer to sit in stony silence. Not very pleasant for the rest of the family though.

I just see it as emotional labour for one half of a couple to have to instigate conversation. In the case of my ex he was massively sociable with everyone else. Just didn’t think I was worth any effort so would prefer to sit and look at his phone and leave me to sort the DC. He did get very unsettled though when I stopped trying and left him to fill the gaps.

People go on dinner dates. Be a bit weird if they sat in silence slowly masticating their meal.

Never thought this topic could have so much anger thrown at it!

I'm just grateful that me and DH are fully on board with talking before and after meals/courses. Not whilst a hot plate of food is cooling down. We like to enjoy the food hot and have no desire to chat whilst eating.

From a personal POV it's actually important for me to focus during eating as not doing so is the main reason I gained 7.5 st. I've lost it now. But an important part in me not over eating is to focus on the food I'm eating fully and be in tune with full signals, satisfaction and so on. I know full well on busy days when I have to eat on the go my cravings are incredibly strong and I struggle to keep on track.

I have children, and we cope perfectly fine without chatting during meals. If parenting is required, it's done. No one is ignoring it. But chatting is done before and after. Or any time really. We don't just get together over food. We bond in plenty of other ways... walking, games, exercise, reading together and so on.

I actually try not to socialise with food at all. I don't focus our lives around food. DH is in full agreement, hoorah. I think when you've essentially had an eating disorder (over eating leading to obesity) you view things differently. Is that wrong? Or, are we all just different and should be allowed to be so?

Incessant chattering during meals is tiring and talking with your mouth full is rude. Some conversation yes but I would encourage the children to be quieter not your husband to be noisier.

She knew that he did not talk during meals so what did she expect. She did not say “he does no parenting” during meals that is your invention. But women who complain about the men they chose to marry complaining about an aspect of his character that he has always shown are fools.

Nobody forced her to marry this man. Stop marrying people expecting them to change and complaining when they don’t.

What did he say when you asked him nicely about it?

What cultures don't talk during mealtimes? All the ones I know well, like Mediterranean and other Central and Eastern European ones take ages over their meals and spend ages speaking! Meals last for hours. No-one is quiet, although they may not be shouting loudly, they just exist in a peaceable chatty way, with children preesent too.

I wouldn't like this OP, but I do agree he isn't going to change. I'd be tempted to do some meals where you all just eat when you want as you aren't actually interacting as a family, I'd do some 'family' and ask him to make an effort to ask questions then, and the odd one out to keep everyone's hand in with social etiquette. I simply can't imagine eating in silence when out in a restaurant, but I think eating fairly quietly at home is fine, even watching TV!

My DH "zones out" during meals, and barely notices anything happening or contributes to conversation.
Once DS dropped a roast potato and went under the table to retrieve it, me and DD were laughing, DH who was sitting next to DS had no idea that had even happened.

Our kids are teens, often meal times actually are one of the rare times they'll talk to us or tell us things.

He rarely takes in what anyone is talking about, and is like it with extended family as well. He'll insist he didnt know one of his nieces or nephews had gone travelling/changed job/split from their boyfriend etc....because he took no notice of what anyone was talking about!

In Indian culture, we don’t really chat around the dinner table. Mealtimes are seen as a quick job to finish as soon as possible. Chapattis are made fresh and served one by one, straight off the hob, so you kind of serve one person at a time. You might have 2-3 people eating at the same time, depending on how fast they eat their chappattis!

So on a normal day, there isn’t loads of chatting while you’re eating dinner.

However, we usually have dinner around 8pm and have ‘tea’ earlier around 5pm, depending on when everyone’s back from work or school. That’s when we have tea/coffee and snacks together and spend time chatting about our day.

How about today your cheap “sour grapes” comment doesn’t cut it as an excuse. Why shouldn’t OP be hurt and disappointed? The reason he gets angry is that he knows it is dog ignorant and he just can’t be bothered, it is too much intellectual and cognitive load for him so he can’t cope.

The reason it is too much cognitive load for him is that he has never practiced. This is a part of parenting that he just can’t be fucking arsed with, so somebody else has to do it for him. But we aren’t allowed to talk about that. We have to pretend he’s some Victorian patriarch, that hasn’t deigned to engage with us. Pathetic!

I agree with absolutely everything you say!

DH and I have been married for nearly 40 years. Our first date was a meal out. I think if either of us had sat there in silence just shovelling in the food there wouldn't have been a second date.

We too have so many happy memories of meals out on holiday and at family get togethers. We started taking our DD to restaurants when she was about two and by the time she was four or five we could confidently take her to any restaurant and know she would behave impeccably. And I think the reason is that she grew up seeing that mealtimes were sociable occasions where, yes, we enjoyed the food, but we enjoyed each other's company even more.

I suppose I have never had much sympathy with the view that food is just fuel to be consumed out of necessity. I see it as one of life's pleasures and, where possible, a pleasure to be shared.

So many happy family memories around meals.

What happens when you say "I don't know Horatio, ask Daddy" or "what do you think of that Phillip? Horatio is really worried about trumpet lessons". Does he acknowledge the direct qn or ignore you?

My mother used to talk nonstop during meals. It drove me and my sibling mad. Are you like this?

Whoah, what century are you from?

To be clear, I have no time for poor table manners. My DD was taught to sit at the table, eat properly with a knife and fork and could manage to eat with her mouth closed from a young age. In fact, as I have mentioned up thread, she was used to eating in restaurants from a young age and a couple of times when she was still small we had strangers compliment us on her behaviour in a restaurant. I don't say this to boast but to illustrate that I think I knew very well how to teach my child to behave at meal times.

But I genuinely think her behaviour was due to the fact that she grew up seeing that sitting round a table with her grown ups was a pleasurable thing when we talked to each other and paid attention to each other.

Your attitude reminds me of how my late DM used to describe meal times when she was a child. She was born in 1932. I never knew my GF but he always sounded like a bullying git TBH. My DM used to recount how they had to sit and eat in absolute silence and we're terrified of disturbing their Dad during meals.

Thankfully my childhood wasn't like that. We all ate together every evening as a family and shared our day's news over the meal.

You do know there is a happy medium between talking nonstop and sitting in a gloomy, unsociable silence?

It's called normal, polite table manners.

This. I can’t believe the number of responses supporting DH absconding daily on his parenting duties. I bet the mum is the one who works to make the dinner. He swans in, eats it, ignoring his wife and kids, including when they are talking about their worries/ meaningful concerns…

its just one of many instances when men silently step out of making an effort, leaving the woman to pick up the slack.

Family dinner is probably one of the few times everyone is together. So what are the kids learning from this? 1. Men get to do fuck all while the woman makes the effort. 2. My dad isn’t interested in me.

No, I didn't invent it. She said "He just sits and eats, barely even noticing us". That's doing no parenting.

It's not reasonable for him to continue his life unchanged after having children. That seems to be a common theme for (some) men, while women are expected to go part-time / flexi their work around childcare, give up their sleep cycle to do all the overnights etc etc.

Stop being so dramatic being quiet at teatime doesn’t make you a bad parent
you’ve filled a lot of blank in there with no facts

My ex husband did this as well. I thought it was incredibly ignorant. He'd be the only one not talking or listening at dinner parties or family gatheings. It was embarrasing quite honestly. It was like a food trance.

My DP doesn't like talking at meals, I've been told off for 'talking with my mouth full' which is inaccurate, but he just has a bugbear about it, so I don't say anything now and we will watch a video or something. It's so weird because I was brought up in a household where we chattered during mealtimes and yet no-one was speaking with a mouth full of food. I doubt you can change him OP, but it is unfortunate for family meal times as it's a great time to share about one's day.