AIBU to be devastated

[MarilynAE]

I was inspired to write about my situation after reading about the writer who forgot her friends colonoscopy appt.
I am an 84year old widow with no children and not in the best of health. I am lucky enough to have a nice little bungalow with cash in the bank so no money worries. I have a neice who keeps in touch in a dutifull way but she is a high flying civil servant with a partner and leads a busy life. No children by choice. We do not see much of each other but talk occasionally by phone.
I have a friend who is in her early 60s. She has a husband who I really don't care for much and 2 grown up children and 4 grand children. I have known her for 40 years and we have always been in touch and since my husband died 12 years ago she has been kind to me always eg always (until recently when they decided to have a cruise at Christmas) inviting me for lunch on Christmases and allowing me to enjoy her grandchildren when they visit with her. I love her like a daughter.
They have lived in the same house for about 35 years so about 2 years ago I moved to be near to her. Imagine my feelings when not long afterwards she told me that they were thinking of moving and it could be anywhere as they wanted a little country cottage. They tried to sell their house but the market was poor and it didn't work out.
I was very upset at the idea and suggested to them that I would make a will leaving my estate to her and also give her power of attorney over my finances. She had already accepted power of attorney over my health when my husband died. I have made the will, the value will be over £400,000 and was in process of doing the P of A. I never said in words but thought I implied that I would like them to stay close to me until I die.
But I am devastated to learn that they are planning to move again and if they find the right property it can be anywhere. I have been fooling myself into the idea that she thinks enough of me to stay put for a while as she knows that this will be crucial to the end of my life.
I am having trouble dealing with the fact that nobody in my life basically give a shit...! And what do I do now? I suppose make a new will leaving everything to animal charities and let a solicitor make a fortune out of selling my property and closing my estate.
At the moment I feel my world has fallen apart. I don't want to talk to her and as we normally talk several times a week she must know that I am very upset.
I should add that I don't make huge demands on her and never have. I am still driving but do have severe health problems and quite honestly am grateful to wake up every morning.

I am sorry you feel so alone, I am an only child with no children so know how that can feel.

Perhaps your friend does not want to be in such a supportive role, and I don't think you should have told her about the contents of your will.

No advice but wanted to wish you well, op. I am sorry for the pain you must be in 🥺💐

I’m childless by choice too and it is scary thinking who will look after my rights when I am old and frail but I do think YABU to think that they would put off their move because you changed your will in their favour.

I'm also a widow and I'm an only child with no children. I do have cousins, but they've made it clear that they don't want the hassle of being my executors. I understand, but that was a bit of a blow. They're happy for a solicitor to be the executor, so I don't think there will be a lot left over for my cousin's kids to inherit.

Apparently, a couple of their kids would be my POA, but they live at the other end of the UK. I'm intending to use my savings to organise house repairs and make my life easier. I'm not certain about what to do with my house - I guess it might be sold to pay for my care at some point.

I'm not making the two volunteers my POA - I don't see them taking the time to pick out the best care home for me...

I do have a nephew through marriage who has been quite kind to me, but I knew my place the first New Year that I was without my husband - I got a message from his wife very late on, telling me that I could see in the New Year with them, but that I'd need to find a hotel (at late notice) since they were having her aunt to stay over. They're at the other side of Scotland, so I declined.

I'm sorry @MarilynAE . I realise how disappointed you are that your friend is not meeting your expectations.

All I can suggest is that you look for recommendations of companies that can help you in your own home - that's what I'm doing.

Gently, OP, you can’t buy someone’s presence by leaving them money! If you didn’t spell out that you were only bequeathing them your money on the condition that they stayed living close to you, they can have had no idea this was the ‘condition’. They’re not psychic. And plus, did you really expect two people to stay in a house they don’t like and an area they’re clearly keen to leave for the rest of your life? Use your money to make your life as comfortable and pleasant as possible.

That does sound difficult and lonely OP. It's hard not to have the security of care in older age. I think this situation is going to become more common with less people having children and families nearby.

I did vote you are being unreasonable though. Not for your feelings, but your expectations. You could live for another 16+ years. That's a long time for your friend to not move and live her life as she wants to. She's not getting any younger either. Also, you didn't make it explicit to her that you changed your will expecting her to stay put as a result. It would have been best to keep your will to yourself.

Is your friend someone you can talk to about your concerns about what you do next? Where you will get support? Is there a community worker who could advise? GP?

So sorry how you are feeling about your friend may move away but she was going to before you put her in your will, maybe she knew you implied that you wanted her to stay nearby who knows but i think you need to redo your will and POA
there is plenty of charitys that you could help.

Surely a reverse. If so - not unreasonable to move away from your friend. She may find someone else to take PoA though, and change her will etc. Well within her rights to do so. Don't count on inheriting the estate.

I think if someone told me they were leaving everything to me in their will, I would feel incredibly awkward, and also under pressure.

Perhaps this isn’t what your friend wanted- she just wanted to be your friend, without the pressure.

Did you have a discussion before you moved to be near them? Thats quite a bit a pressure and expectation on your part.

Its kind of implying you expect her to care for you, then trying to bribe them woth money from your estate and forcing poa on her without a discussion.

I think you have overstepped massively

I'm so sorry for the situation you are currently facing.
Looking at it from another point of view, there may be no financial gain for your friend if you require care.
On the other hand , I personally would never trust a promise of being a beneficiary of a will.
My parents in law left everything to one son after promising it would be divided between all sons and daughters , and it is not the only case I have seen this happen.

In her case I would say it was because she wanted help from all of them.
If it was known it was left to one so, the others would have taken a separate back and et that son do majority of the caregiving.

So in short, I wouldn't trust a promise of being a beneficiary.

This isn't a reflection on you, it's just they ay have seen other cases of this happening

You are trying to buy people it doesn't work

I do feel for people who have no one .
My parents are disabled and I try to visit them almost every day atm just so they have someone to talk to that isn’t each other , I feel like it’s my duty I guess coz they help me so much financially and with my dog.

My kids wont be like that with me. I already know this. I wish families were as close as they used to be . But there’s so many pressures on everyone now.

I would sell up and spend the money yourself. Take yourself on a round the world cruise and then spend your days being taken care of in a home. Enjoy your final days making yourself happy. Sod leaving your money to people who don’t appreciate you.

This. You can't just imply and presume.

I understand why you want what you want, but I think you’re being really unreasonable and have been for a while.

I should add that I don't make huge demands on her and never have.

Is just not true. You have been expecting her to give up on her dream retirement in order for you to have your dream. That is an absolutely massive demand. Especially since you tried to manipulate her into it without actually asking her. Find out how she feels about it and see if there are ways to ensure she still gets the life she wants.

edit to add: You are being unreasonable in your expectations of her, but not at all to be upset she is moving away. Loss of a close by, dear friend is devastating, especially as friends thin out as you get older. I am truly sorry you will not have her around.

@MarilynAE I'm in a similar position to you, but much younger. I recently had surgery and needed to update my will. I've decided to leave my residence to a domestic violence charity to be used as emergency accommodation for women and children fleeing DV situations. It has everything that's needed for someone to move straight in. I will also leave a large bequest to a university to help people from underprivileged backgrounds to go to uni.

The rest will go mostly to a friend of mine and smaller share to niece, nephew, god daughter.

So think about what legacy you can leave. What is important to you? I was really stuck until I came up with the DV idea. That just felt right as soon as I thought of it.

‘I never said in words but I thought I implied that I would like them to stay close to me until I die’

I’m sorry but you are being very unreasonable. You can’t use money to control people. If you decide to leave money to someone, it’s very toxic to expect that to have a bearing on how they now live their life.

In addition, you should never ever assume that someone else knows the inner workings of your mind without an explicit conversation.

@MarilynAE I would liquidate my assets; rent a nice flat near a good hospital; take a year long world cruise; return to my lovely low maintenance home; hire a professional care aid to check on me, help with meals etc; join a senior's social group; and change my Will leaving everything to charity. But, don't tell anyone about your intention to change your will or after you've changed it. You need to live your best life now and not worry about leaving anything behind. 💐

r Marilyn Great advice from Mumtobabyhavoc. Take care.

Did she know the reasons that you moved to be near her? Did you discuss this with her at the time? I think this makes a difference.

Unfortunately you can’t just assume or imply. You should have used your words although I fear you may not have liked what she said.

I’m sorry for your situation but I guess she wants to retire to somewhere else, like many people do.

@MarilynAE I think that’s too much for you to expect your friend to stay living in the same place as you. My Mum moved into a block of flats when she was widowed & has a whole new group of friends. You would be better off moving to a low maintenance apartment & going on holiday. Have you not got other friends? Could you not move back to your old town?

I don’t think you can place a condition on the will. It would be hard to do that with a child let alone a friend. You say you don’t care for the husband either - he might be trying to get away from the situation?

So despite loving this person "like a daughter", you are considering cutting her out of your will because she is choosing not to put your needs above her own?

Leave it to orphan charity.

I would also do this.

Why not sell up yourself and move to an old people’s village (the type where there are low maintenance, small houses where, as you age, you can opt for more support if needed, such as gardening, cleaning, going to communal dining room for meals rather than preparing your own in your house). That way, you will make connections and friends with the other people there and have a support base of likeminded folk at the same stage of life.

eta - thought I’d add, I did have 2 single relatives that did this. They were at one for around 15 years before end of life and had a wow of a time. They got right into hobbies groups that were held in common room, went out on all the day bus trips etc. was fantastic for them.