Parent with neurodiverse husband is exhausting

[notaurewhatusername]

So I don’t even know where to start with this but I just need to hear from people who might have been through something similar.

My DH is neurodiverse and parenting together has been really really hard. Things have actually improved a lot recently and to be fair to him he has made genuine effort, I can see that. But there are still moments where I just think… am I going mad or is this not okay?

Today is a perfect example. He took our 10 month old DS out to an outdoor shopping area. Before they left I checked the weather, saw it was 6-7 degrees and asked him (nicely, as I always have to) to please make sure DS had his hat, coat and a blanket. He has this thing where he doesn’t like to wrap the baby up and I’ve never really understood it but I’ve just learned to make sure I mention it.

Then it started raining. I called to ask him to put the rain cover on - then realised the pram was still in my car. He hadn’t taken the pram at all. He keeps taking him out for hours at a time without it and carrying him round all day. I then got a photo of my son fast asleep with his face resting on the handlebars of a little balance bike, chin on a box, head flopped forward. He’s 10 months old.

I called, asked if he was getting wet because it was raining by this point, and he got visibly annoyed with me, said he was going and “have a nice day” and hung up.

Like I said things have improved and I don’t want to be unfair to DH because the effort is there. But it’s still so hard and I feel so alone in it sometimes.

Has anyone else parented with a neurodiverse partner? Any tips or experiences? How do you navigate the safety stuff without it turning into a huge conflict?

This isn't because he is ND. This is because he's a shit parent.

@Nopenott0dayi feel the ND does add another layer onto it in terms of how he sees the world and perceives things

Neurodiversity aside, you’re describing inadequate parenting. Also a concern that you ‘have to’ speak certain ways to your H.

I wouldn’t want to stay married to an inadequate parent and walking on eggshells all the time.

Wouldn’t ttc DC2 with him. if/when you split it’s probable court would require shared contact and safety is a concern might bide time to split up until DC is old enough to do basics and tell you what goes on, eg age 4 or 5.

I think lots of people who have ND partners are going to have very different experiences to you. I have a ND husband, he was incredibly willing to learn and had a very active role in parenting and he still does.

It is very different to what you are describing which is very close to full on neglect. The head on the balance bike is actually really shocking, no suitable clothing repeatedly = neglect, no buggy or suitable sleeping place for such a young infant = neglect, the lack of willingness to take on board what you are saying and dismissing you even though you are correct is low level abusive. This is a real problem @notaurewhatusername it is not just the autism or it maybe but there is a serious lack of capacity and no willingness to recognise this weakness so he can learn.

If however you think your H would only seek low contact, eg every other weekend, would plan to split sooner.

My eldest DSD is diagnosed autistic and is the best mother you’d hope to find. That just sounds like your husband being controlling and an arse. Not anything to do with neurodiversity. I’d be having words about safety and the right way to do things and if he can’t stick to them then he can’t take the baby out alone.

Your husband sounds like a plonker. Sorry I think it’s a bit abusive to have a 10 month old sleeping on the handlebars of a bike or on a box numerous times. Once (if it happens by accident) ok, but he’s clearly not thinking about the needs of your child when he goes out for hours with him/her. This is just neglect. A 10 month old needs naps, and if you’re going to go out for hours you need to make sure your kid can have a comfortable nap somewhere, not on a handlebar or box. I don’t think this has anything to do with him being ND though. He’s just being an arsehole.

It’s great to know I’m not overreacting. We also had a recent situation where here I found out he’s been given cows milk for months once a week by grandparents on his side. When I bought it up he said it’s fine and made me out to be overprotective. I had to force him to provide formula milk. He said cows once a week is fine. I said no it isn’t! These are just a few examples

Sounds like you have two babies

@Patchworkquiltstjenhandlebar thing didn’t happen numerous times, but last weekend he took him without the pram and went shopping for hours and carried him the whole time because once again he forgot the pram???!

In my relationship I’m the ND parent. I’ve never treated my children with anything other than love and care. What your husband is doing sounds like the result of total ignorance/stupidity/stubbornness, or worse, NOT as a result of ADHD/autism, neither of which cause a person to deliberately behave recklessly with their baby. Does he also have mental health issues or a history of being controlling or abusive OP?

@MrsEmmelinePankhursti feel he tries to be controlling at times yes. But I have developed coping mechanisms and find ways to make it clear I will not be controlled and just do my own thing regardless! He’s never violent

I don't quite get what you mean about your DS napping on a box and on the handlebars of his balance bike?
My DS walked a lot later but when he did we walked to the park (couple of hundred metres) without the buggy. Unless you're going to tell us they walked 2 miles.
Also babies napped before buggies existed. Lots of parents do prefer to carry their babies in their arms rather than in a sling or a buggy.
Let him make his own mistakes.

Keep hold of the photo of your son in an unsafe/uncomfortable sleeping situation, and texts etc describing the milk issue and what I'm sure are many examples, in case you need to prove to a court which your future ex-DH should have limited contact

This is just dangerous and inadequate parenting. I would be filing for divorce and be asking a judge to only allow him supervised visits.
in the meantime, collect as much evidence as you can (screenshots of your convos either him, photos etc) to have proof that he’s an inadequate parent

Exactly.
I'm assuming no learning difficulties that make it hard for him to remember taking the essential stuff out for the baby? Therefore it's a deliberate choice.

Doing a shit job instead of no job isn't "effort", is it.

@drspouseDC cannot walk at all. He fell asleep with his chin on the handlers and so he put a box underneath to prop his chin up. I don’t think he pushed him like that bit while they were stationary that’s what he did (I hope not anyway!)

Jesus @notaurewhatusername you have a real problem. He is a weak, underfunctioning man who cannot understand babies’ needs at all and then when it is spelled out to him he uses what are in other walks of life abuse tactics to undermine the actually functioning person.

He gaslights, he minimises, he dismisses your concerns.

You have made a huge mistake this man is a hugely underfunctioning bully and you need to get rid of him.

Taking DC out for hours without adequate buggy/carrier and clothing, in addition to being a safety risk to DC, is probably deliberately abusive towards YOU

For the scenario of breakup and family court, evidence of the neglect / inadequate parenting matters could be useful (or might make no difference). Would read up and if you can afford it get legal advice about that.

Why does he think cow's milk is comparable to formula? They are different substances.

No idea

Be ause they are both white liquid?

So is he deliberately making poor choices or not thinking it's worth learning/remembering this stuff?

Either is a red flag.

Or the amount of time spent in this mans inadequate care is going to significantly increase and will no longer have any level of supervision

I read this in a different way. I read it as your h needing to maintain a constant level of stress for you. I’m annND parent and I don’t relate to h actions.