Eldest child not invited to wedding but sister is

[BYU]

I have name changed for this.

Husband’s male cousin is getting married at the end of April. Medium wedding, in a hotel, children are invited.

He has a close family and we see this cousin often. When they moved house they had a bit of an all hands on deck situation and we dropped everything to help them.

On that occasion we met the bride’s sister and BiL who was there with their baby (they have had another child since then), and her husband’s 10 year old. The bride’s BiL has an additional two children from his previous marriage.

They have not invited my eldest child who is 10 from my first marriage to their wedding, when my husband queried this cousin reminded him that bride will have to invite her sister’s three stepchildren.

My husband is to all intents and purposes my daughter’s father, she doesn’t see her own father.

The bride’s BiL’s children live mostly with their mother.

I am really unhappy and want to decline the invitation or as a compromise leave both the children at home. Husband wants to go and feels he can’t leave our six year old at home if her cousins are going.

I feel now I have to decline just for myself if he won’t support me.

Who is being unreasonable? Me or DH?

It's their wedding, they can invite whoever they want

How long have you and your husband been together?

I would probably be pretty offended too. If other children are invited then there is no real reason not to invite your child. Will friends be bringing children too, or just family children?

I don't usually get up in arms about children not going to a wedding, I would usually say it's not a problem, but it's the exclusion and singling out of your child here that is pissing me off. I would not attend, husband can go with your youngest if he wants, and I'd do something lovely with my 10yo. Fuck em.

Of course they can. OP isn’t suggesting they be punished or forced to invite the child.

But they can invite who they want, OP can RSVP how she wants.

I wouldn’t go with my younger child and husband to a family event, and leave my 10 yr old at home. I’d probably stay home with the older child. Not in a pissed off “how dare you not invite her, I’ll hate you forever” kind of way. But I just wouldn’t do it to my child - have her wave me and her sister off in nice party dresses to go and have fun? No thanks.

By excluding children

i think it’s really off

The reason they have given is that three other children would have to be invited. They are the bride’s step- nephews and niece.

I think excluding a child who lives full time with the step father is disgusting. You are a household. Invite the household or the marital unit, don't pick and choose.

I'd decline and let him go alone and let him know you aren't happy.

Which I think is fair enough.

Give your husband the choice of going with you and both children stay home with a sitter, or he goes with youngest and you and oldest stay home and do something fun together.

It’s a dick move from them and I’d be happy to tell anyone that you’re not going because ‘our 10 year old was excluded’ and stop talking.

It does sound a bit mean but I wouldn't argue it. If it was me I would tell your husband to go with your younger child and stay home with the older one. It's his family, not yours so just have a nice day with your child while they are gone

My husband is to all intents and purposes my daughter’s father, she doesn’t see her own father.

that isnt of their concern; also - your children are not the same as the brides sisters children (or step children); your husband is a cousin, those children are nieces (albeit step), ita not the same.

Saying that; its shitty behaviour to single out one child from a family, but they may have many of the same who they have also cut to reduce numbers; you just dont know.

I'd stand by my child and not go; instead go to do something with them that day. Or keep all your children from going, and arrange childcare so only the adults attend; or just dont go. Its an invite not a summons. DH needs to stand up for his family as opposed to his cousin.

I would decline 100%

This would upset me too OP, both my eldest child not being invited and my husband not supporting me. I think you’ve been more than fair to offer alternatives of your children or all of you staying at home. Your 10 year old is old enough to know they were being excluded and not a chance in hell I’d allow my child to believe I went along with something like that

But the 10 year-old still has to watch her sibling go off to be with all their relatives

I agree with the poster who said it should be all when they live as one household

I hate how children are left out when it's not their fault. They're family

But they are also excluding other stepchildren . Unfortunately venue no longer give children or discount rates . So they would have to pay for additional 4 guests .

Seems logical but how do you explain that to a 10 year girl 🤔. No easy answer OP definitely a bit of a dilemma. As it's a cousin , maybe your family should just politely decline and you don't have to give a reason.

It’s very sad they’ve done this. I wouldn’t concentrate on the other children your child won’t care about them it’s the affect that your other child can go and they can’t. However, this shouldn’t impact your relationship with your hubby, he can’t help they view your children differently. You can’t demand they view them the same. I think it’s pretty shitty though.

my advice would be to decline for yourself and have a special day doing something nice with your child. Maybe even a weekend away if you can afford it

They clearly don’t want to invite her sister’s stepchildren so won’t invite my eldest.

My husband thinks it’s unfair to ou youngest child as it’s her family and her country invited.

Its a bit mean not to invite a step child who has been in the family for years. They might as well hold up a banner telling them.they are not "family"
Send your DH his own and have a nice inclusive day out somewhere with all your children

I think they are in a really tricky position to be honest. Maybe your DH and youngest go, and you and eldest do something else together as a treat

the ratio of how much the children live in the homes is irrelevant. The invites absolutely should be symmetrical. If one step-child is invited, they all should be invited.

I typically don’t see why people wouldn’t just be inclusive. I know weddings get expensive, but we are still talking about immediate family. However, if they are drawing a line, the line they have drawn is fair.

Usually, I am very much one to say that it's their day and up to them but they know that you will have to explain to your 10 year old child that they're not invited to a family celebration their 6 year old sibling is.

No, I wouldn't do it and would stay at home rather than entertain that.

Or you all decline, but not in a resentful way, just in a matter of fact way and then go for a meal with them at some point

It is mean not to invite your eldest. I wouldn't start family wars though, as this will affect your younger child's relationship with both her sister and her cousins. Stay home with your eldest or take her out for the day, let your husband bring your youngest to the wedding.

Is this that same poster who always posts about their ILs and their oldest daughter, the annual panto trip
poster?

If your husband sees this child as his own then he will have no problem saying to his cousin "mate, (dd) is my daughter - maybe not genetically but in reality she is. I can't bring one of my children to your wedding and not the other, because I have to put my children's wellbeing first and I'm not going to tell one of my children that she doesn't belong in my family, so sadly we can't come after all"

If he can't say that, then he can go solo. If he genuinely sees her as his daughter, he wouldn't want to. But he definitely shouldn't take the younger one without the older one.