Eldest child not invited to wedding but sister is

[BYU]

I have name changed for this.

Husband’s male cousin is getting married at the end of April. Medium wedding, in a hotel, children are invited.

He has a close family and we see this cousin often. When they moved house they had a bit of an all hands on deck situation and we dropped everything to help them.

On that occasion we met the bride’s sister and BiL who was there with their baby (they have had another child since then), and her husband’s 10 year old. The bride’s BiL has an additional two children from his previous marriage.

They have not invited my eldest child who is 10 from my first marriage to their wedding, when my husband queried this cousin reminded him that bride will have to invite her sister’s three stepchildren.

My husband is to all intents and purposes my daughter’s father, she doesn’t see her own father.

The bride’s BiL’s children live mostly with their mother.

I am really unhappy and want to decline the invitation or as a compromise leave both the children at home. Husband wants to go and feels he can’t leave our six year old at home if her cousins are going.

I feel now I have to decline just for myself if he won’t support me.

Who is being unreasonable? Me or DH?

Agree 100%

They've got to draw the line somewhere. Weddings are very expensive per person.

The step child of a cousin isn't exactly high on the priority list. Do they have a relationship with her? Would she recognise the couple if she walked past then.

They are right as well that they'd then have to invite more children.

I’d set up a separate event that is only appropriate for older dc and then tell the kids, mum is taking dc1 for this special activity (eg a show or a sports activity) but dc2 is too little so dad is taking her to cousins wedding party

Totally unacceptable

How is your DD supposed to feel?

Excluded.

She'll feel excluded

My six year knows what a wedding is and knows about this one . All of husband’s nieces and nephews have been invited. He won’t want her to be excluded from what is her family’s wedding.

Of course they can but why invite one child and not another? Would you accept a wedding invitation if one of your DC’s was invited and one wasn’t?

It’s a great way to drive a wedge between siblings

Exactly this! They're trying to plan a big expensive wedding and you've taken it as a slight on the status of your family. It's just blood-related children.

Presumably they've got friends with kids who might not be invited either.

It's sad for your daughter that she doesn't see her Dad's side of the family. How long has your husband been in her life?

If you were married to her father when she was born, as you say, is there really no relationship there now at all? What about his parents and siblings?

Does she even want to go? Weddings are boring for kids!!

Does nobody in blended families actually let their children grow up knowing it’s ok genuinely ok that they don’t share grandparents and that it’s ok for one of them to do things with they grannies or aunties.

It’s the parents setting up the step children to fail by making them believe they have to be treated exactly the same at all times.

Yes they should both get Christmas and birthday gifts and general not paid per head party Invites. But weddings, sleep overs and sometimes just day trips can just be about that child and their family it doesn’t have to be and shouldn’t have to be all or none at every single thing.

Your child should feel secure enough at home to realise that sister has her own separate family just like they also have a separate family involved or not currently.

Her DH has clearly split the family into two tiers if he isn't bothered by this.

I wouldn’t be going and neither would my DH.

It may be wrong to leave the six year old at home when the cousins are going.

It would be much worse to leave the 10 year old at home when sibling and all the cousins are going.

I would go as a couple, dh on his own or not at all. Difficult to stop dh taking youngest if he doesnt agree with you though.

There's a massive difference if you blended a family when the DC are older and everyone is aware. A child who gained the stepfather when she was a toddler and considers him to be her dad is a different matter. You can't really say "yes of course we are a family, but you aren't their family" every time an event happens and one child is excluded every time. It really is not going to do a lot for that child's sense of belonging in said family unit.

I don't accept the argument about having to invite three other stepchildren.

I defend the choice as being up to the bride and groom, and defend your choice not to go if that is the case. If so, politely decline now.

God how awful for your 10 year old.

It's a dick move and the bride and groom must be thick if they think it's okay. I'd avoid the wedding and them.

They don’t want to pay for and spend time with four kids they aren’t related to. That’s fair enough.

You and your eldest should have a “pre booked” spa day you “can’t cancel” and DH and your youngest should enjoy the wedding. It’s not a big deal unless you make it one.

Im sorry . That is very unkind. I would stay at home with my older child and do something lovely with them. I hate it when children are treated differently.

What does the 6yr old DC think? Your DH seems more occupied with not offending the family as opposed to his own 10 yr old DC?

It is a big deal. I'd expect my husband to decline the invitation too.

Why would you make the youngest’s family life suffer just because your eldest isn’t her full sibling?

Exactly. And this is a child who doesn’t see her father 🙄

Life is way to short to make kids feel worthless within their family, all of us would decline.

I had a fair few bonus children at my wedding and wouldn’t have changed it for the world, how want to become a family while causing division in another.

What is wrong with step children FFS?!! They sound horrible.