Eldest child not invited to wedding but sister is

[BYU]

I have name changed for this.

Husband’s male cousin is getting married at the end of April. Medium wedding, in a hotel, children are invited.

He has a close family and we see this cousin often. When they moved house they had a bit of an all hands on deck situation and we dropped everything to help them.

On that occasion we met the bride’s sister and BiL who was there with their baby (they have had another child since then), and her husband’s 10 year old. The bride’s BiL has an additional two children from his previous marriage.

They have not invited my eldest child who is 10 from my first marriage to their wedding, when my husband queried this cousin reminded him that bride will have to invite her sister’s three stepchildren.

My husband is to all intents and purposes my daughter’s father, she doesn’t see her own father.

The bride’s BiL’s children live mostly with their mother.

I am really unhappy and want to decline the invitation or as a compromise leave both the children at home. Husband wants to go and feels he can’t leave our six year old at home if her cousins are going.

I feel now I have to decline just for myself if he won’t support me.

Who is being unreasonable? Me or DH?

I was wondering this, the six year olds inheritance poster? Might explain the name change by OP
If so then this invite probably isn’t a surprise really

The issue is one child in a family of 4 being excluded from a day out. Anyone organizing an event and not seeing that is insensitive and stupid

Can your eldest not go to their dads that weekend? Would it work as that is a time they would normally see them?

Anyone who would invite all three other members of a little 10yo girl’s family to a wedding, but exclude that 10yo girl, is pretty vile, IMO.

You’re supposed to say to a child that age, “sorry sweetie, we’re all off to a nice family do but you’re not invited, laters”?

They are a family, and if invited as a family, that should include all of them.

OP, if they’re standing firm on not inviting her, and your DH insists on going with your younger DC, then yes, you have to decline, and do something very special with your DD on the day instead.

Make it into you choosing to treat her rather than her being left out; she doesn’t need to know the reason why you’re not going.

Nails it

Which is great, but the DD will soon realize that there is a pattern every time there's a family event and will know she isn't invited.

YANBU

you can’t take one child and not the other

I expect she sees her as her sibling. Considering they all live in the same house. It's bloody mean to exclude her.

The OP said she doesn't she her bio dad and considers her step dad to be her dad.

She doesn't see her dad.It says that in the OP.

These threads are always the same. The eldest child never has any relationship with their father or paternal family, and OP’s are upset because it becomes clear that although polite, their partners family don’t really regard their child from a previous relationship as family.

There’s no mention of her being excluded from other family events. This is a random cousin’s wedding, it’s not like she’s banned from the grandparents’ on Christmas Day.

I wouldn’t go and I don’t think DH should go either. How awful will your oldest feel being so left out like that. It’s a family party, your youngest will come back all excited about the event her older sister couldn’t attend.

Yeah, sod that for a game of soldiers. They invite all the children - or none. No way should anyone be excluding step children .. Such shitty divisive behaviour! And so what if the bride has to invite her 3 stepnephews and stepnieces too! It's a wedding, a family event, of course she should invite them! And no, the bride and groom do not just get to invite who they want, and NOT invite who they don't want to invite, because it's their wedding. 🙄

If you are inviting some and excluding others (from the same family,) that is peak shitty behaviour! And expect bad feeling - and for some people to not go.

I bet they've got one of those wanky overpriced weddings at some snooty Stately home that's costing £125 a head! (And costing £20K-£25K or more altogether!) A normal wedding in Church or the register office, (then in the parish hall or social club for the reception and night do and disco,) never has people being left out. Least of all children!

Your DH should be supporting you in this @BYU All of you go or NONE of you go!

And surely everyone in the family is aware she is a stepchild. Do you think it’s a secret from some?

Had I been him I would have asked how the bride’s sister would even have been told she was my husband’s stepchild.

As sad as it is, the wider family are under no obligation to adopt this child just because she doesn't have a relationship with her own father.

If the Step-father officially adopted her, that might be different.

At the moment she's just a child they don't know that well. OP was married to the first child's father so the kid would have been older when she married the stepfather.

They dont genuinely expect you to leave your 10 year old behind whilst her Mum, Step Dad and sibling head out for the day.

So it's not actually an invitation for 3 people, its an invitation for your husband and youngest child.

I dont much care for the whole blood is thicker than water thing - especially given that you went out of your way to help them when they asked (blood didnt seem to matter so much then!) so I'd be a bit disappointed in DH if he thought this was okay.

Well you either exclude your eldest child or exclude them both.

If you allow the youngest to go to a family wedding but the eldest has to stay home, I'm not sure how that would play out long term. It would depend on your eldest's personality, and if she takes it to heart.

Well I know quite a few families where the new partner's family still include and care about the 'step' children in the family as much as the 'blood' ones. I think that is a huge generalisation to say no-one cares about the stepkids! That is not true in my world!

Has he adopted her, OP?

I think it's really nasty, they are old enough to know but not understand imo. Even if you stay home with your DD what are you going to tell them both? It is madness.

I don't see how ANY child wouldn't take it to heart if they are excluded and their sibling isn't!

Whilst I would agree that it is absolutely up to a bridal couple to invite who they wany to their special day, it also does take a very special pair of mouth breathers to set children up against each other in this way and plead ignorance. A blended family is exactly that - a family - and you don't get to pick and choose which children you approve of in this way. Wave hubby off on his own if this is the hill he wants to die on, and you and the kids head off and do something fun that preferably he pays for.

I personally think this is unkind, however, I do think if they want or need to exclude all step children - it would be unfair for your daughter to be the exception. A step-child is a step-child and your daughter isn't less of a step child than the other step-children.

It is jarring that your daughter was not invited but I really think you should let your hubby and joint child go - and plan to do something super fun with your 10 year old. She’d prob really value the 1-1 time with you.

If it were me, dh would be going on his own, end of!!!