Eldest child not invited to wedding but sister is

[BYU]

I have name changed for this.

Husband’s male cousin is getting married at the end of April. Medium wedding, in a hotel, children are invited.

He has a close family and we see this cousin often. When they moved house they had a bit of an all hands on deck situation and we dropped everything to help them.

On that occasion we met the bride’s sister and BiL who was there with their baby (they have had another child since then), and her husband’s 10 year old. The bride’s BiL has an additional two children from his previous marriage.

They have not invited my eldest child who is 10 from my first marriage to their wedding, when my husband queried this cousin reminded him that bride will have to invite her sister’s three stepchildren.

My husband is to all intents and purposes my daughter’s father, she doesn’t see her own father.

The bride’s BiL’s children live mostly with their mother.

I am really unhappy and want to decline the invitation or as a compromise leave both the children at home. Husband wants to go and feels he can’t leave our six year old at home if her cousins are going.

I feel now I have to decline just for myself if he won’t support me.

Who is being unreasonable? Me or DH?

Not true.

It’s always interesting and never answered if the dm blocks dd1 from attending things without dd2….
but yes, have seen many threads where once an adult a poster finds out how much their dm blocked their relationship with family “in support” of their elder sibling. Very sad.

You need to explain it because it needs explanation. And you still haven't explained how this happens. You've just said what you think should be the case. An analogy with legal proceedings in relation to a totally different matter certainly doesn't do it, even if you were correct. Which you aren't, a court could allow the holiday. But in any case, if an event like this was held during one parent's time and didn't require leaving the jurisdiction they would absolutely be able to take them.

So if DH says yes and OP says no, and they can't agree, how does the non-consenting parent enforce their wishes?

It's interesting because if this is the same OP I think it is, the threads are usually much more split on whether OP or DH is BU. There isn't a long running MN consensus on this, and for every oldest child who said they felt left out there's a youngest child who resents missing their own family events/relationships because oldest child wasn't invited/didn't have any.

I don't see how you think DD1 not going will 'break her heart and spirit' and yet DD2 not going to her uncle's wedding which she's excited about doesn't matter at all.

OP could make it into a treat grown up girls day and do something DD1 wants to do that DD2s too young for. There are ways to manage life that don't include kicking off and drama

In your head maybe the mother is in charge but in reality both parents have equal say. OP can't stop her DH from taking DD2 to a family wedding so saying that as if it's an option isn't helping.

What would you do if it was the other way round? If DD1 had involved extended family and DD2 didn't, and DD1 got asked to her family outings and parties and weddings, would you expect DD1s family to include DD2 or else DD1 isn't allowed to go?

I don't see how you think DD1 not going will 'break her heart and spirit' and yet DD2 not going to her uncle's wedding which she's excited about doesn't matter at all.
because to the posters whether or not is the same, they obviously don’t care about dd2 do they? It’s an absolute tragedy and disgrace dd1 doesn’t get to go, but dd2 doesn’t matter!

Another thread where a child is left out of a wedding invitation simply because they are step children. Its an absolute disgrace. A child has been through enough when the nuclear family split up & they go on to have step parents & siblings without then being treated like spare wheels within their new family units.

When it comes to spending time at something as simple as a wedding. Which ever parent is taking them decides if they go or not unless it’s leaving the country.

Both parents have parental responsibility neither out ranks the other and a court of law wouldn’t tolerate that type of bullshit being spouted.

It’s best interested for the CHILD. Not the mother or father or their half or step siblings it’s the CHILD involved.

So it’s in DD2’s best interests to build and have a good relationship with her entire family. It’s not in her interests to miss out because someone else isn’t invited.

According to OP, he’s never claimed that he did. He doesn’t have to. He treats her fairly as his stepchild in the family home, which is not at all the same thing as considering her to be his child.

I don't agree with "blending families" if you're not fully committed. When I met DP I was very clear that I wasn't looking to be a mum with a boyfriend and that I would never have more children if my first wasn't treated completely equally.
DH is DSs dad, he chose him, he committed to him. We are one whole family unit. Adopted children, sperms donor children, don't get segregated because they're not "real family" it's cruel and stupid.

We are fostering, our foster children are our children and to be treated the same as our children. You don't segregate someone's wife or husband because they're not blood relatives. You don't segregate children becuase they're not blood relatives. They are your relatives family and you treat them as such

Well said. I could never imagine being a second wife to a man with children & not treating them exactly the same as my own children. In the same respect a second husband not treating my children as his own regardless which genetic parent the children live with.

Have you ever done it?

No,although my brother has & his wife's child is loved by our whole family as much as their own child together.

It's not the DHs wedding though, he can't make his family see DD1 as a relative if they don't. And he shouldn't take events away from DD2 because DD1 isn't invited, that's not fair on DD2. OP and her DH might treat both DDs the same day to day but no one can make his family do that.

My parents have birth grandchildren, adopted grandchildren and step grandchildren. They don't differentiate at all, and I wouldn't like it if they did. You can think the DHs family are wrong, but that doesn't change anything. OP and her DH need to find ways to manage this stuff and do right by both DDs because it isn't going to change however many MN posters say it's wrong.

They don’t have to invite your daughter but you also don’t have to attend (or bring any of your kids).

This!