Eldest child not invited to wedding but sister is

[BYU]

I have name changed for this.

Husband’s male cousin is getting married at the end of April. Medium wedding, in a hotel, children are invited.

He has a close family and we see this cousin often. When they moved house they had a bit of an all hands on deck situation and we dropped everything to help them.

On that occasion we met the bride’s sister and BiL who was there with their baby (they have had another child since then), and her husband’s 10 year old. The bride’s BiL has an additional two children from his previous marriage.

They have not invited my eldest child who is 10 from my first marriage to their wedding, when my husband queried this cousin reminded him that bride will have to invite her sister’s three stepchildren.

My husband is to all intents and purposes my daughter’s father, she doesn’t see her own father.

The bride’s BiL’s children live mostly with their mother.

I am really unhappy and want to decline the invitation or as a compromise leave both the children at home. Husband wants to go and feels he can’t leave our six year old at home if her cousins are going.

I feel now I have to decline just for myself if he won’t support me.

Who is being unreasonable? Me or DH?

I would decline saying I have to look after eldest child. Husband can do what he likes but I would be pissed off.

Sorry OP - Brother in law trumps Cousin in law in everyone’s book. If I was annoyed by it I just wouldn’t do and make sure to have a lovely day with my DD instead

The most practical option is your husband's suggestion of him go with younger and you stay with older. Making your DD2 miss out on occasions with her paternal family over your husband's head is not a compromise.

I do get why you're upset, it's a difficult situation they've chosen to present you with.

Whilst it’s their wedding and therefore they get to choose who the want to attend, they must accept that there is likely to be repercussions for their actions.
they have been shitty in dividing your family. They would have been better saying none of your children rather than expecting you to leave one child (and not a baby either who wouldn’t know) with a sitter whilst you all get a night out. Way to show who is family and who isn’t.
Sorry, OP. I wouldn’t go. If your DH won’t support you then he can go on his own.

My children know that they are not full sisters and eldest obviously knows these people are her sister’s family. It would have been negligent of me to pretend otherwise to them.

But this is a wedding where three out of four are invited.

I will not go and stay with my eldest.

Obviously my husband’s family know she is a stepdaughter but I can’t imagine why the bride would have known or why her sister would know. How would that conversation have come about?

My six year old loves her family, I couldn’t look her in the eye and tell her I wouldn’t et her go.

I believe the three stepchildren of the bride’s sister have a different relationship to her than the one my daughter has with y husband. They don’t live with her all the time and have their own mother.

This.

If OP throws her toys out of the pram, she’ll be the difficult one who her DH and youngest daughter resent for ruining their familial relationships. She’ll be persona non grata with the in laws. And for what?

I will not go and stay with my eldest.

I think this is the right call. It's shitty, I'm sorry.

It's really not this family's problem what relationship stepchildren in their family have to their birth parents, you seem to be implying that it should make a difference.

OP are you that poster who caused a scene at a family wedding when there was an attempt at a grandchildren photo that your oldest was excluded from?

I think weddings are family events and if you are inviting a married couple - because one of them is a relation of the bride and groom - then you invite their children. Or not, if it's it a child-free wedding. But either way, if there are two children in that household, they get treated the same. Because that's a family unit, and they will go to the event as a family. Bride and groom can invite who they like, sure - but if they are not inviting one member of the family unit, then I think it's entirely reasonable to decline. If the youngest is upset that they don't get to go to wedding when the cousins are, then some form of "Bride and groom have invited three of us, but not your sister. We think that's not fair. We would never go somewhere and leave you behind, and we are not doing it to your sister." should do it... and you somewhere nice on the day.

(This doesn't have to apply if the step-child is 17, doesn't want to go to the wedding, doesn't give a shit about the step-family, and has only been "related" to them for a short time)

If the youngest is upset that they don't get to go to wedding when the cousins are, then some form of "Bride and groom have invited three of us, but not your sister. We think that's not fair. We would never go somewhere and leave you behind, and we are not doing it to your sister." should do it

That's a very optimistic assessment, not least because DD2s father thinks she should be able to go.

But is happy for his elder dd to be excluded ?

Even though you said "My husband is to all intents and purposes my daughter’s father, she doesn’t see her own father."

If he really is "to all intents and purposes" your elder dd's Dad, then he needs to think like that, and go to the wedding on his own. He can't genuinely think it is okay in these circumstances to take the 6 yr old but not the 10 yr old if he genuinely thinks of himself as her Dad.

I don't think there is a 'blanket rule' for invitations to step children, as every circumstance is different, but the 'being her Dad' need to be for always, not just when it suits.

There’s a big difference between the bride inviting her step nieces and nephews and the groom inviting a step second cousin, they’re completely different relationships.

YABU.

Wouldn’t your husband’s male cousin have mentioned it to his bride or any of his family members have possibly said it? Why would it be a secret?

Well if the family relationship is THAT weak, then why bother inviting any of them? Why invite all, but leave out ONE CHILD?

Nasty way to behave.

If you are the same poster who has many times been on here complaining about how DH's extended family treat eldest DD I would say: you need to get to grips with this and either accept that extended in-laws do not see DD as family and continue to see them with that knowledge or cut them off entirely. You really can't continue to agonise over something over which you have zero control and that won't change.

In any event, I would not leave my child or stepchild at home to attend a family event they had been excluded from. (The only caveat to that is that my SD is not with us full time, and we do things with extended family and as a three when she is with her mum, but this isn't exclusion) If I were in the position of your DH, I'd say: 'Thanks for the invite. We understand the limitations and budget constraints. I'm sure you'll understand that it would be hurtful to SD and cause longer-term problems for us as a family and self-esteem issues for her if we attend a family event and leave her at home. We can't really expect her sister to hide it from her. So we will decline, wishing you all the best for your wedding.'

If DH refuses to do this, I'd tell him to go on his own and seriously reconsider how far he actually considers your child as his own.

How long do people expect the youngest daughter to miss out on things? Where is the line? The 10 year old is old enough to be told and understand that there will be things only her sister will do with her family.

If this is the poster im thinking of she already knows this......

You mean the poster who thinks that the fact she chose to have children with different men gives her the right to dictate the actions of all and sundry in her or her husband's orbit?
Dunno...

If the bride isn’t inviting her sisters step-children then it seems fair that the groom doesn’t invite more distant relatives.

I don’t blame you for feeling uncomfortable for one child being invited but it’s not like your child is the only one being excluded and they obviously feel they had to draw a line.

As for whether it’s ok for the bride to know that your husband is step-dad, surely it’s not a secret and probably came up in conversation. BYU and husband have been together x years etc

Do you know why the invite isnt extended to include your eldest child?
I can understand your upset but having an explanation may be helpful.
If your husband sees your eldest child as child of the family he will be concerned at the exclusion.
What you do is up to you but id ask your husband to enquire politely why his step daughter is not incuded when other stepchildren are.

TBF I'm not sure he actually does claim to think that. OP wrote that he's to all intents the eldest's father, which isn't necessarily the same thing. But I can't speak to any backstory here so you may know more than me, in which case feel free to ignore!

I agree you should stay with your eldest and let him go on his own with the younger kids.

You have a DH problem.

its perfectly five fur the bride and groom to make the decision kit to invite step children.

but your DH is being a duck to insist on taking a 6 year old (who let’s face it won’t know who ends is going) and exclude your oldest.

your stance on just you and him going is the perfect solution.

I do agree with this to an extent, eldest needs to understand she's not her step-father's blood family and that this means she isn't included in some things (like the post where OP was mad because DH's parents wanted to have a day with their grandchildren when her DD was at the dentist). But I think for a family to get dressed up and ready to go to a wedding, all the excitement of that and preparation, and for one child to be left at home because she is a step is pretty horrid. I can see how this would negatively impact the child, unless OP is able to arrange a special sleepover at her grandparents' or a best friend or something. But she is 10, she will know she is not wanted and her own family are happy to exclude her. I'd not do that to my child or stepchild. I wouldn't go to the wedding if all the children in my household couldn't be accommodated.

In this case, it doesn't sound malicious on their part and not personal to your DD. It seems that the stance they have taken is blood-related children only. This sucks for your family unit but weddings are so insanely expensive.

You have no idea whether they are facing financial constraints, often ruthless decisions must be made when considering the guestlist for a wedding. If she invites your DD plus the other three step-children, that is a significant sum of money. You don't know whether they have made other cuts i.e the children of friends. Permitting all guests to bring their entire family units could result in an astronomical increase in cost. Kindly, your DD who isn't a blood relative probably isn't high on their guest priority list, they probably consider her and all other non-related children more expensive mouths to feed.