Eldest child not invited to wedding but sister is

[BYU]

I have name changed for this.

Husband’s male cousin is getting married at the end of April. Medium wedding, in a hotel, children are invited.

He has a close family and we see this cousin often. When they moved house they had a bit of an all hands on deck situation and we dropped everything to help them.

On that occasion we met the bride’s sister and BiL who was there with their baby (they have had another child since then), and her husband’s 10 year old. The bride’s BiL has an additional two children from his previous marriage.

They have not invited my eldest child who is 10 from my first marriage to their wedding, when my husband queried this cousin reminded him that bride will have to invite her sister’s three stepchildren.

My husband is to all intents and purposes my daughter’s father, she doesn’t see her own father.

The bride’s BiL’s children live mostly with their mother.

I am really unhappy and want to decline the invitation or as a compromise leave both the children at home. Husband wants to go and feels he can’t leave our six year old at home if her cousins are going.

I feel now I have to decline just for myself if he won’t support me.

Who is being unreasonable? Me or DH?

This, it’s so annoying as it’s always “dd2 should -never be allowed anything without dd1 getting the same or better. I will turn down gifts and other things unless dd1 is prioritised… was the last thread not about op kicking off as a relative had left dd2 money, and op was going to give it to dd1 instead, or said she was going to write dd2 out of her will and leave everything to dd1.
if this is all true and same op, it’s bloody tragic

I’d decline for myself I would not take one child and not the other what message would that send to you oldest child ? That she’s not part of the family. I definitely would not go

So basically OP u are saying (and a lot of other people are saying) that because eldest isnt the b&g's 'blood' family - she wont be coming.

What if she was adopted? Say your DH & you adopted a child, then went on to have another child. Same sinerio ... b&g didnt ask to adopt a cousin, so still technically not blood family, so would she be left out then. Would your DH allow that to happen then?

Im guessing not ....

This shows me his feelings towards YOUR daughter. He doesnt think of her as his own, that might be harsh, but its true!!

Your poor daughter will always feel like the 'odd' one out if he treats her this way ... like I said in an earlier post ...

Blood is thicker than water in his case!

To be fair to DH this also sounds like he is making what he thinks is the best of a bad situation with DC2 and the cousins.

Taking this thread at face value I think it's cheap and tacky of B&G. I'd have some sympathy if there were 20 potential step kids that would need inviting but for the sake of 4, some who might decline, they should suck it up.

If the OP is that poster then I wonder if it's because of the dramatics at other family events and they don't want to spend their wedding treading on eggshells.

The bride and groom are not nice people and anyone on here defending their position is also not very nice.

Please do not allow this awful treatment of your firstborn child. There’s not much you can do about the bride and groom or the fact that they’ve shown you that your husband’s family don’t class your daughter as family.

But the fact that you think it’s okay for your husband to take your youngest and leave the oldest behind just completely boggles my mind.

Your daughter didn’t ask to be born. Nor ask for her mother to remarry and have another sibling. She will have issues growing up and she will remember that you all sat by and allowed things like this to happen (as this won’t be the last situation you will have to navigate).

i would leave my husband if he thought this was the right thing to do. For the sake of my older daughter’s mental health and future relationships.

And as for worrying about this causing your younger sibling to resent the older one …

it won’t be the younger sibling who is going to suffer due to your new blended family and your weak husband. Protect your older daughter. You need to reinforce to everyone that you are a family unit and if you can’t do that, then you aren’t a strong family unit and your older daughter will always feel left out.

You are being extremely unreasonable and cruel to your eldest. A 6 year old neither understands what a wedding is about, nor cares. She's 6. She doesn't give a stuff. There is zero reason for her to go. The ONLY fair way is that NEITHER of the girls go. NEITHER of them. You can't have one go and not the other. That is selfish, cruel, heartless and wrong on every level. Trust me, a 6 year old is not going to give a flying f about not going to a wedding.

A 10 year old is going to understand more, and is going to know they are being left out. And she will never forgive you that you didn't stand up for her. You will ruin your relationship with your eldest. Is that what you truly want? Please engage your brain here. NEITHER children go. If your 'D' H wants to go, he can go on his own. While both daughters stay with you at home. That, is the only FAIR way.

On that note, your 'D' H is an arsehole. Who has proved, when push comes to shove, he genuinely does not see your eldest as his. I have seen similar threads on here before about step kids not invited to weddings. You want to know how most end? The husband says "we come as a package, either ALL go, OR NONE AT ALL GO". That, is how a real man acts. I remember a few where the OP's daughter/son wasn't invited, but the youngest was. The DH declined and said all children go, OR NONE GO. And everyone on the thread supported that.

That, is how a real man, a real father, and a real husband acts. Your 'D' H has shown you his true colours. He is not a real man or a real father. He won't have your eldest's back. He will throw her under the bus at the first opportunity, and now you know it. And, if your youngest goes, your eldest will understand what happened, and she will know your H threw her under the bus. Have a think: what do you think that will do to and your relationship with your eldest and her relationship with the man she thought was her father?

All go, OR NONE GO. It's the only fairest way. Anything else, you will ruin your relationship with your eldest, and her relationship with your H. A 6 year old doesn't give a stuff about a wedding so it's no loss to her. 10 year old does understand more though. Tell your H he does not have your permission to take the youngest. And that's it and that's final. The youngest can see cousins at another time.

Choose wisely.

See I find this all very sad
My cousin married a lady who had an eight year old daughter . He had three other children with his new wife . So four children in total
Every member of our family , cousin’s family and extended family treat his step daughter child as part of the family . In fact , his mother ( my aunt) regarded the child as her first grandchild and spoilt her rotten .
My cousin would not have attended any event where his step daughter wasn’t invited . It just wouldn’t happen . He made it clear from the get go that his step daughter was his child and was to be treated as such.
People who were not in the picture when he married don’t even know that she is his step child because as far is he’s concerned she is his child .
I think OP’s husband is a complete let down tbh and I would honestly be considering whether I could stay with a man like this
I cannot even imagine leaving a child out from a family of four . Where is she supposed to go during the wedding?
Terrible

Yep. It's always about how DD1 feels (or rather about how OP feels about DD1 not having a wider family).

There have been multiple about wedding invitations like this but also the one about grandparents getting all the cousins together while babysitting DD2 when OP and DD1 were at a medical appointment, and OP and DD1 turned up at grandparents house and took DD2 away. There was one about the grandparents wanting a photo of just their grandchildren at a party, another about not liking that the cousins call each other half siblings as OP didn't like her DDs knowing what that meant, another where OP was annoyed the grandparents had started a savings account for DD2 when DD1 didn't have one, another about SIL wanting to take DD2 to a panto or something and not asking DD1.

It's always the same story. OP cannot force DD2s family to see DD1 as their family. They haven't agreed to step up because DD1s family don't bother with her. They haven't caused this situation, OP and DH have and they have to deal with the reality of having 2 DC with different extended family. OP always admits DHs family are kind and polite and don't treat DD1 nastily at all. OP will have to find a way to make peace with the situation because she can't stop DD2 having family relationships because DD1 hasn't got that.

@ThatBlackCat I agree with everything you have written

How would OPs decision on the youngest not going be final, when they disagree?

I'm seeing a lot of put your foot down advice in this thread, but not one person explaining how this actually works when there are parents who disagree and trying to make it a deal breaker carries the obvious risk of many more invitations for only one DC.

That's very dramatic, ruining relationships and never being forgiven over one family wedding?

OP is not being cruel to DD1, and she's already said DD2 is excited about going to her uncle's wedding so yes she does give a flying f. Do you think it's ok to prevent DD2 going to her uncle's wedding that she is excited to go to? Why are DD1s feelings (what her feelings even are in this isn't clear, she could be very happy with a day with mum to herself while DS2 and DH are out) more important than DD2s?

It doesn't make the DH not a real man or throwing DD1 under buses, and he doesn't need OPs 'permission' to take his own child to a family wedding, and it's not for OP to decide that's final - he's DD2s equal parent too. They have a different view on the situation, it doesn't make him weak he just sees it differently to OP. He thinks it ok to acknowledge DDs have different wider family, which they do. It's not his family's fault DD1s family don't bother with her.

It's not fair DD2 has a wider family and DD1 doesn't, but that's the situation. OP and her DH and both DDs have to live with that because that's reality and kicking off and drama won't change anything other than causing issues in their relationship.

This whole rules based approach to guest lists never works. Lists should be compiled with love. Your daughter is clearly a core part of the family. She’s been part of it since she was a baby. And it is her only family. She is clearly cherished within your husband’s family the rest of the time and this should be just the same. She’s a child. Her circumstances are entirely different from the 3 on the other side.

Because this is about a wedding where the eldest is excluded. It should be obvious the brevity of this. People have posted before with similar things like this and how it ruined their relationship with their parents. The vast overwhelming majority of people on here over the years, and on this thread, agree it is morally wrong to take one child to a wedding and leave the other at home. This shouldn't need to be explained. There is no reason why DD2 can't see her family any other time. OP is the mother and she should be putting both children first, not only one. Any decent parent says both go, or neither go. That is the running consensus on this site and has been for years. Her 'H' is a deadbeat father and deadbeat husband and they both will break DD1's heart and spirit if they take one and leave her at home. If I were OP I would be shocked and stunned at her H's reaction and and the reveal of his true colours and I would seriously re-consider my relationship with him. Some things are understood to be wrong. This is one of them. But OP doesn't seem to prioritise only the youngest so I don't hold out much hope that she will do the right thing in the end and say no as the mother of that child.

Easy. OP says no, as the mother of the child. It's pretty simple. But she shouldn't have to. OP's husband should do the only moral and proper thing possible, which is reply back we are a package deal and all go or none go.

Does the mother of a child get more say than the father of a child?

People have posted before with similar things like this and how it ruined their relationship with their parents

People have also posted before of the breakdown of the relationship with their mother after finding out years later they blocked them from having a relationship with their paternal family because their older half sibling wasn’t treated exactly the same as them.

My husband is to all intents and purposes my daughter’s father, she doesn’t see her own father.
Has dh adopted your daughter then?

No, they never do. But the family is expected to act as if they have.

When the mother says no, yes.

Not going to a wedding does not mean she is cut off from ever seeing her family, sigh. I think something as important as a wedding is not the time to take one child and leave another child at home. I think most people understand this. It shouldn't need to be explained. A good man makes a line in the sand for his entire family.

Yes. Until the minute the family decide to exclude one child. Then it becomes more than obvious the H never genuinely saw her as his daughter in the first place.

Oh I wasn’t aware of this rule.

I wasn’t aware of the rule of having to see a stepchild as your own either.

There is no rule. But if you say you see the stepchild as your own, you do. Either you do, or you don't. There is no half way.

So OP as the mother says no, DH as the father says yes. Then what?

You've not explained what happens next, and instead pivoted very quickly to what you think DH should do. But I'm not asking you what you think he should do, I'm asking you how OP overrules him given that he doesn't behave in this way.

The parent who doesn't give consent, has the vote. This is also true in custody battles, if a parent wants to take a child on a holiday and the separated parent says no, that's it. And as the mother, who carried and gave birth to these girls, she holds sway. I don't know why I need to explain this.