Eldest child not invited to wedding but sister is

[BYU]

I have name changed for this.

Husband’s male cousin is getting married at the end of April. Medium wedding, in a hotel, children are invited.

He has a close family and we see this cousin often. When they moved house they had a bit of an all hands on deck situation and we dropped everything to help them.

On that occasion we met the bride’s sister and BiL who was there with their baby (they have had another child since then), and her husband’s 10 year old. The bride’s BiL has an additional two children from his previous marriage.

They have not invited my eldest child who is 10 from my first marriage to their wedding, when my husband queried this cousin reminded him that bride will have to invite her sister’s three stepchildren.

My husband is to all intents and purposes my daughter’s father, she doesn’t see her own father.

The bride’s BiL’s children live mostly with their mother.

I am really unhappy and want to decline the invitation or as a compromise leave both the children at home. Husband wants to go and feels he can’t leave our six year old at home if her cousins are going.

I feel now I have to decline just for myself if he won’t support me.

Who is being unreasonable? Me or DH?

Hopefully it’s not that same op still dragging this on 😬

No, she had a completely different posting (ranting) style. I think this is a separate poster.

OP, they don't want the bride's sister's three stepchildren attending. Your daughter is collateral damage in that. By not inviting her, the bride can say to her parents and sister "oh, we're not doing any Steps - look Groom's cousin's stepdaughter is excluded too." This isn't about your daughter or you at all, this is a smokescreen to avoid the sister's stepfamily.

Under the circumstances I'd say fair enough, everyone makes compromises to try and get people onside during wedding planning. You and your eldest go do something nice with your side of the family and DH and youngest go to the wedding.

When I married many moons ago I didn't invite my sibling's stepson. It never even crossed my mind but he did live with his mother and I'd never met him. I might have thought about it if he lived with my sibling.

When my cousin had a destination wedding with only her nieces and nephews (so not my 1 yo DD) invited, I simply said that I understood but we don't have childcare options for 2 nights outside my family, who were all attending, and we would have to decline. She ended up saying I could bring DD, which was really kind of her. It's fair enough to exclude on the basis of budget, but also fair enough for parents to prioritise the needs of their kids over attending a wedding. If the effect on OP's DD is going to be negative, it would be bad parenting for her and her DH to take her little sister to the wedding.

This 100pc

I wouldn’t allow one of my children to be excluded to an event the rest of her family had been invited to. I would tell dh to go on his own.

This. I consider them siblings, forget the 'half'

They also have to live with the consequences

I do think too many people have all sort of rules for weddings and events then get upset when they don’t like the consequences

How to really make sure a 10year old knows they don’t see her as family but her sister is.

Personally I wouldn’t allow her sister to go.

I think that has its own problems. 6 year old will see herself as being more favoured than her sister and that in itself is something you don’t want. It might not happen this time but eventually she will learn she gets more than her older sister.

If you want both sisters to get on and be a unit don’t separate them when it comes to family events

They are either both family or not. It’s then up to the rest of the family to invite both or invite neither

Some of BIL’s children don’t live with him full time so not the same as your situation.
If anything I think there is a strange dynamic going on and it all sounds a bit off.

How would this work when DH disagrees and thinks DC2 should be able to go? OP doesn't have unilateral control here.

I also agree with sundayvibeswig22
it is creating a split within BYU‘s
own family

Its about fairness and not treating the sisters differently
Surely the father will recognise the issue if he takes 6 year old

The wedding is unfortunate but the bigger issue is that your husband/partner clearly does not see your elder daughter as his…there is a clear distinction in his mind. For the sake of your elder daughter you need to be clear on who this man is to her. It’s not fair for him to be presented as ‘Dad’ when he clearly doesn’t feel that way.

Weddings are expensive so I can see their thinking by only inviting actual family, at least she’s not the only one excluded. Stay home with her and let DH and DD go, it would be mean to stop her spending time with her cousins just because your other child isn’t invited.

As OP has been clear that he wants to go with the 6 year old, I don't see how this is a 'surely'.

It's not a question of whether you or anyone else happen to agree with the view. DH evidently doesn't, so how would this work?

I would expect my husband to tell his cousin to have a lovely wedding and for none of us to attend.

If he seriously thought it ok to go with his younger child and allow the elder to be excluded because she is a 'step' daughter I would be so disappointed in him.

I certainly wouldn't be going myself.

We wouldn't, as a family, go.

My family, as in who I live with are more important to me than wider family.

Especially selfish ones who could leave young children out.

I get your position but I also get their position. If they include one stepchild they’re going to have to include all the others.

Your DH and youngest DC can go.

This

As much as I think there's a difference between step children of the bride's sibling and step children of the groom's cousin, I don't like excluding one child from a family.

In your position I'd stay home with your eldest.

I think ok for him to go with the six year old, given the rather shitty criteria for the wedding in general and the fact they're not going to bend, but do something smashing with your eldest. In your own head, no more favours to this couple.
Edited to say: didn't read it properly.

The reasoning makes sense you can’t invite some step nieces and nephews and not others.

I do think the easiest choice here would've been an adult only invitation, if numbers are that limited.

I wouldn’t go either.

you live as a family of 4 and if the whole family of 4 wasn’t invited then I wouldn’t be going at all.

I do think there has to be discretion involved with so many blended families now but when its a child that resides FT with the invitee then the get invited.

Id go as far to say it’s cruel what they have done tbh.

It’s quite normal that the bride would know your daughter is not your dh biological, you say they see each other often so it would have come up in conversations with his cousin and his bride to be even in passing.
Its also probably normal that the bride has talked about her husband’s family to her sister, my sister and I talk about our respective husband’s families. Not in a bitchy way but just conversation.

However I wouldn’t go to this wedding. I would stay with my daughter and let husband and other child go. It’s a shame your husband doesn’t see much wrong with it if he sees her as his daughter

I wouldn't go nor allow any of my DC to go. DH could go if he wished but me and both DC would be off somewhere nice for a treat and I wouldn't be a hypocrite and write wedding card or gift with mine or DC names in either. Actions have consequences. Next time they want help I wouldn't be dropping things to rush to help them.

Both families and weddings can be awful affairs.
I can see your point, I can only see theirs, from yet another guest to feed point of view, but not beyond that.

My own family is going through a weird thing, related to bereavement at the moment.
Honestly it’s a minefield.