Eldest child not invited to wedding but sister is

[BYU]

I have name changed for this.

Husband’s male cousin is getting married at the end of April. Medium wedding, in a hotel, children are invited.

He has a close family and we see this cousin often. When they moved house they had a bit of an all hands on deck situation and we dropped everything to help them.

On that occasion we met the bride’s sister and BiL who was there with their baby (they have had another child since then), and her husband’s 10 year old. The bride’s BiL has an additional two children from his previous marriage.

They have not invited my eldest child who is 10 from my first marriage to their wedding, when my husband queried this cousin reminded him that bride will have to invite her sister’s three stepchildren.

My husband is to all intents and purposes my daughter’s father, she doesn’t see her own father.

The bride’s BiL’s children live mostly with their mother.

I am really unhappy and want to decline the invitation or as a compromise leave both the children at home. Husband wants to go and feels he can’t leave our six year old at home if her cousins are going.

I feel now I have to decline just for myself if he won’t support me.

Who is being unreasonable? Me or DH?

I wouldn't go. I would let DH go on his own.

My husband immediately rang his cousin to question her exclusion and the other three stepchildren on the bride’s side were given as the reason.

Had I been him I would have asked how the bride’s sister would even have been told she was my husband’s stepchild. I would have asked if the bride’s BiL had also asked about his older children.

Husband wants to go and doesn’t feel he has the right to decline youngest’s invitation if her cousins are all going.

They have split your family into 2 tiers for who is "real" family and who isn't. I don't know why your DH would be OK with this and why the bride's sister would be happy with having her stepchildren excluded either. My stepdaughter has been invited to every wedding we've been to as a couple.

So husband goes with the youngest. You take your oldest away for the the weekend and do something she would love. If anyone asks why you are not going just tell them.

I’m on the fence.

They aren’t singling out just your child and if they invite yours they have to be fair and have the other stepchildren which there could be others that they also had to cut and bring back which means more money they have to spend.

Saying that, they could have just done childfree but then people would get upset about that. Have children and they may have to cut out others to afford it. Yet, people would moan they shouldn’t have a wedding then if they can’t afford the whole family while also moan if people just go to a registrar office.

Honestly, this is why people choose to elope and I don’t blame them one bit.

Take your oldest somewhere fun that they really enjoy and/or may not otherwise get to go to and husband goes to wedding with youngest.

@BYU Husband wants to go and doesn’t feel he has the right to decline youngest’s invitation if her cousins are all going.

He would not feel this way if he genuinely considers himself "to all intents and purposes your daughter’s father" - good parents do not allow family to play the favourites/golden-child/interloper game to divide siblings. If he is OK with going and taking the youngest child then your concept that your husband is "to all intents and purposes your daughter’s father" is a fantasy which exists only in your own mind.

Well your husband has shown his true colours then, hasn’t he….

Why?

This reply nails it.

Your husband is married to you, you're his wife. Your 10 year old lives full-time with you and your husband, along with your child together. You are a family unit of 4 people. Your eldest daughter should be included in events, where you are invited as a family unit.

Presumably, you are being invited OP or has your name been missed off the invitation??! What do the bride/groom think is going to happen here? That you, your husband and youngest daughter are going to come to the wedding, whilst your eldest is palmed off to a relative on your side of the family, for the day???!! Do your husband's family know your daughter doesn't see her biological Dad?

I don't think it's fair your youngest misses out, after all it's not her fault. Yes, it's entirely up to the bride and groom who they invite to their wedding. However, it's insulting to your husband for his step-daughter to be missed off the guest list, simply because she's not his biological child. It's also extremely hurtful to a young girl, who can't help her biology either.

Send your husband and youngest daughter. Don't lie to your eldest, she's too old to be fobbed off. You decline the invitation, and say, that you need to be home to look after your eldest daughter. You then plan a lovely day out for the two of you.

I think I agree as well.

It’s nothing personal against your daughter so that’s fair enough they are not inviting any step relatives.

Also I think your dh is right to let your youngest go with him.

It is after all her family and not letting her attend events for her own family due to your upset about her sister doesn’t always bode well for future relationship between your children or yourself as seen on other threads on here where when older children are mad that they missed out of their own family because their mother has decided all or none and it’s caused huge friction.

Husband goes on his own. Very unfair for one child to go and the other child to be excluded.

Husband goes alone or doesn't go at all.

Have your husband and younger child go and you stay home with your elder child.

I think this is disgusting.

I agree, your husband goes with youngest. It isn't fair to cut a child off from extended family because they have a older half sibling. It isn't your youngest fault that your eldest doesn't have contact with her paternal family.

Either go with your DH without either child, or let him go without either child. Anything else splits your family in a really horrible way. You not going but staying with your older DC is no answer - how would she feel seeing younger sibling go, and being not considered family? Its so divisive its not healthy. I hope your DH will see the sense in that. 🌷

Yeh, there is no way I would go or my youngest. How are you explaining that to your eldest child. Well young dc can go but because you’re not family you can’t go. Absolutely fucking not. This would be the hill I would die on

A six year old won't miss going to a wedding anyway.

Yes, he did, OP said the first thing he did was phone and ask his cousin why so he obviously does see her as his child.
The B&G have given a reason but probably don't understand the impact on OP's family.
It's an impossible situation only OP and her husband can deal with.

Inviting all your own nieces and nephews, even of the step variety is absolutely fair enough.

Step-kid’s of a cousin’s partner is a much less close family connection! YABU.

I think you're being unreasonable; she is a step-child and they're not inviting children they're not related to.

It's just one of those awkward things about step-families.

We always invited step-children to our family events, tbh they didn't really give a crap about being there (especially when family member was married to a non-residential parent, I'm sure they'd rather have just been chilling out at home on one of their two weekends a month they saw them) and it was more about signalling to the couple that we accepted them as a family.

The marriages didn't last very long in any case and now all our wedding pics have photos of kids in that we haven't seen in decades!

Yes, but I wonder if more is possible in this situation. This is - in some ways - a shared problem around blending families. Could it be approached by the OP explaining what the exclusion might mean, and how it doesn't support the relationships they're building inside their own family, as well as trying to maintain with wider family (the cousin thing)?

Not including her is really thoughtless - but the pressure of wedding planning doesn't help. I'd at least explaining and requesting a try.

I wouldn’t go. How is that going toook to your left out child? No way