Went to wedding reception without me

[Caton]

Yesterday morning, I asked my partner whether one of his friends got married last year - he had said mid year that his friend was getting married after the summer. I had heard nothing since and it popped into my head - thinking oh did the wedding actually go ahead. He said, yes I went to the reception. Unbeknownst to me. That weekend, he had stayed at his brothers house which is a 3/4 hour drive to this wedding reception. His only child also attends university about 20 minutes away from the venue. He only told me he was driving up to spend some time with his child. I had no idea about that being the reception/wedding date. He reserved a hotel when he got the invite (which I never saw) and didn't say that either. I was incensed - and frankly incandescent - so much that I hopped in the car drove to get a coffee and some fresh air. He had been staying at mine whilst he had appointments in town - His current situation is rather chaotic. He separated from his long term partner 18 months ago and moved out of the house definitively in October last year. For the past 6 months he has stayed either with his family or with a set of friends house-sitting as they travel quite a bit. He has looked to get his own place but that is still awhile away - and also he will have to put this jointly owned property up for sale in the next 12 months. It seems to me he likes to separate and compartmentalise his relationships. I have never met his child - nor any of his long term friends nor his family members. As a mature woman (formerly married) I find his behaviour, and secrecy very very odd. He seems to think he has done nothing wrong. Oh I didn't mention the difficulty I also have as the friend who got married is female and her close friend was in a casual relationship for many years with my partner, whilst he was living with his former partner - and naturally was present - with her partner at this wedding reception. I just find this odd and am reconsidering this relationship. He is panicking and wants to go to couples counselling to discuss - as he doesn't understand why I am so incensed. Am I being unreasonable as I feel like I'm being asked to accept what is frankly unacceptable. He also said the invite was only for him - and that (conveniently) the invite was part of the whatsapp messages that were lost when he upgraded his phone.

Throw this one back, he's not for you.

I don’t see the issue. But I can’t get worked up about whether people are or aren’t invited to weddings like lots of people on here.

We're you invited or not?

It was the secrecy and hiding it - not the invitation.

he wasn’t honest and open and can’t see the issue. The lack of honesty is the issue.

@Notdanishsusan I don't care whether I was invited - what I do care about is not being told last October that he was going to a wedding reception. It's not the same as grabbing a coffee or lunch with a friend.

Sounds like you are convenient to him for now. Itd be a bin from me.

He's just not that into you...

How would you have reacted had he told you he was going to the wedding, given the history.

He is pretending he doesn't understand why you are angry but I bet he does. He didn't want you to come to the wedding with him, thought best not to mention it in case it upset you and now he is covering his tracks.

This kind of deception would be a huge red flag to me.

@bunnypenny tbh I'm not sure. I am jealous of this woman as they spent 15 years in an on/off sexual relationship and have remained good friends - and I was sure she would be in attendance - but I feel resigned to the fact she will always be in his life. But again, I'm not sure. I was fairly angry yesterday - and he said my anger was disproportionate - I don't agree that it was...

I would be completely confused about why on earth he felt the need to lie. And not just not mentioning it in advance - he came back from a weekend away, which presumably you asked about in a very normal “how was your weekend” kind of way. And he just didn’t mention the wedding at all?

I'm not sure what the issue is. You can't be together that long realistically if he only seperated from his ex 18 months ago (so roughly a year before the wedding).

He lives with friends, not you. I'm not sure in this type of relationship (relatively new, mature adults) I'd expect to know his every whereabouts

I think the fact a former ex was at the wedding was irrelevant... he obviously hasn't been with this woman in a very long time, has had multiple partners since her and her partner was with her.

If he split with his long term partner just 18 months ago than you can't be with him that long - and it's too early in a relationship for this level of hassle OP (or it would be for me anyway) you should still be in the early loved-up best-behaviour stage! Listen to your gut and throw this one back.

I think it’s more the fact he lied and obviously spent a lot of energy keeping it hidden. As you’ve never met his friends and family are you sure they know about you? You are right to feel angry and question things, he could be living a double life.

@CloakedInGucci yes, I am confused. What I find upsetting is that he discussed the time with his child - who was ill and had to go to a&e and that he was 'exhausted' driving back to his brothers - with whom he was staying - but this is last October - we are now almost in March and if I hadn't asked...well what then? Also I did say - well is that why you haven't introduced me to your brother - because you're afraid of what he might say? He didn't like me saying that...

This. All of this. He isnt worth it.

@BudgetBuster yes and no not exactly. He was sleeping with her (wedding guest) whilst living with his former partner of 25+ years and in a relationship with his partner.

He intentionally lied to you to make his life easier as he knew you'd be upset. He's continuing to lie by pretending he doesn't understand why you are now upset.

It doesn't sound like he is trying to build a long term relationship here OP.

Chuck him back OP. Wasting your life.

I would be annoyed by this too and I don't care about being invited weddings.

He clearly went out of his way to hide it which is the thing I take issue with.

I think it’s fine to go a wedding reception without you but I think it’s bloody odd to not tell your partner about your arrangements. To deliberately leave that part out is deceptive surely ? I’m a little bit confused about yhe timeline… how long have you been dating him and when was this other lady dating him ? ( given he only moved out of his address in October). I can’t really judge about meeting his friends and family without that bit.

He didn't want you to know because his old flame was going to be there and well......you'd be in the way?
You're falling into the trap of defending him to us on this thread btw.

@2026Y I said to him that he was "lying by omission". To me deliberately not telling someone something is lying.

Well that's a moral and trust thing.
I personally wouldn't trust a man who I knew was a cheater...

But I also wouldn't care if a mature adult man I was very newly dating went to his friends wedding and didn't mention it (particularly when I don't know his friends yet).

How long are you two actually dating?