Went to wedding reception without me

[Caton]

Yesterday morning, I asked my partner whether one of his friends got married last year - he had said mid year that his friend was getting married after the summer. I had heard nothing since and it popped into my head - thinking oh did the wedding actually go ahead. He said, yes I went to the reception. Unbeknownst to me. That weekend, he had stayed at his brothers house which is a 3/4 hour drive to this wedding reception. His only child also attends university about 20 minutes away from the venue. He only told me he was driving up to spend some time with his child. I had no idea about that being the reception/wedding date. He reserved a hotel when he got the invite (which I never saw) and didn't say that either. I was incensed - and frankly incandescent - so much that I hopped in the car drove to get a coffee and some fresh air. He had been staying at mine whilst he had appointments in town - His current situation is rather chaotic. He separated from his long term partner 18 months ago and moved out of the house definitively in October last year. For the past 6 months he has stayed either with his family or with a set of friends house-sitting as they travel quite a bit. He has looked to get his own place but that is still awhile away - and also he will have to put this jointly owned property up for sale in the next 12 months. It seems to me he likes to separate and compartmentalise his relationships. I have never met his child - nor any of his long term friends nor his family members. As a mature woman (formerly married) I find his behaviour, and secrecy very very odd. He seems to think he has done nothing wrong. Oh I didn't mention the difficulty I also have as the friend who got married is female and her close friend was in a casual relationship for many years with my partner, whilst he was living with his former partner - and naturally was present - with her partner at this wedding reception. I just find this odd and am reconsidering this relationship. He is panicking and wants to go to couples counselling to discuss - as he doesn't understand why I am so incensed. Am I being unreasonable as I feel like I'm being asked to accept what is frankly unacceptable. He also said the invite was only for him - and that (conveniently) the invite was part of the whatsapp messages that were lost when he upgraded his phone.

I mean he had an affair for 15+ years when with his ex and kept that a secret and lied to her, he's never introduced you to family/friends. I'm not sure why you're surprised he found it easy to be secretive and lie to you about the wedding.

I'd never stay with someone who cheated that long, that's without adding in the fact you've never met any of his loved ones and the secrecy he has with you about things. It's in his nature to lie, after doing it so long.

How often are this married couple out for long enough that they need a house sitter?

My point is that you are believing everything you are told by him, and that is a mistake.

These are your own words from your OP:

It seems to me he likes to separate and compartmentalise his relationships. I have never met his child - nor any of his long term friends nor his family members.

I’m only going on what you’ve posted.

@Thesnailonthewhale a lot - I mean several weeks here ...a month there and always far away.

This is a really clear summation.

All that and you're worried about a wedding he went to?

This guy is a dog. He lies to you. I doubt very much you're his only sex partner. Get STI screening and use protection if you keep banging him. You're not in a relationship with him, you're a sex partner and convenient place to stay. It really sounds like he has a relationship elsewhere.

Well quite. He' always shagged around, so I would assume nothing has changed.

@Caton this is basically a new relationship and at the time of the invite / wedding you'd been together just a matter of months and not living together. So I honestly can't see why, as a mature woman, you'd make such a big deal of him making arrangements to go to a wedding of someone you don't know without reference to you. Especially when he was combining it with family visiting also not connected to you.
But overall the situation sounds like a load of hassle and in your shoes I cba.

@TheAutumnCrow you have an excellent point - and one that I wrestle with. It is not in my nature to question everything I am told - I would find it really tedious. I generally take what is communicated to me at face value. Not that I'm incapable of critical analysis either - it is an affair of the heart so I have put my 2 pence worth on AIBU to be able to appreciate what the community feedback says.

Bin him.
Going to the wedding without you isn't an issue.
It's all the rest of it which is bad.
He doesn't have to tell you everything he does either, but going to a friend's wedding is quite a big event that I'd expect a partner to mention just as part of general conversation. He told you all about the weekend in question but missed out the wedding so that's lying by omission. Why cover it up?

And then there's the rest of it. He's just a cheating scumbag and I wouldn't be putting up with him for a moment longer.

Dear God, dump this loser already.
He’s not your partner, by any stretch.

He separated from his long term partner 18 months ago and moved out of the house definitively in October last year.
So they were still under the same roof until the time he went to this wedding on his own? I can't see why he'd want to complicate an already complicated situation by telling you about it at the time and, looking at how you've reacted now, he's probably glad he didn't. You might have been 'seeing him' at the time but, still under the same roof as his ex? I'd call that a single chap going to weddings/parties as a singleton.

That was my thought when I read your post OP

also
as @Louuu12 said
"it’s more the fact he lied and obviously spent a lot of energy keeping it hidden. As you’ve never met his friends and family are you sure they know about you? You are right to feel angry and question things, he could be living a double life"

Either that or you think you have one kind of relationship. He thinks he has another kind.
But your place is handy for appointments and it helps him to have you around when his life is so chaotic atm.
That doesn't sound good enough

[someone].. was in a casual relationship for many years with my partner, whilst he was living with his former partner

Forget the wedding. That is not the issue.

So, to clarify, he was cheating with someone whilst living with his partner?
Once a cheat always a cheat.

Plus, he is not financially stable enough to get himself a proper address.

Dump. You can do better.

Why are you surprised. You know he is a liar and a cheat . What makes you think he will be different with you.

You’re not married, you’re not even living together. Why do you need to know where he’s going? It was a wedding, not an orgy, regardless of who else was going.

Either you trust him, or walk away. 🤷‍♀️

@Omgblueskys How I left it? I told him I'm ready to dump his ass - and that I was done. OF course what happens is the calling and texting after waying we need to talk this out - theres too much to lose etc. I am quite frankly exhausted and it's great that everyone here is taking the time to offer advice, encouragement and their views. It's heartening!

I’m sure his wife thought the same

he lied to her for years and he lied to you

if it was innocent he would have said to you - they aren’t doing plus ones am told you he was going

convenient the messages got lost - you may have been invited - you won’t ever know unless ask the bride and groom

too many red flags and better off without

Sounds like a symptom of deeper relationship issues to me.

He doesn't sound great tbh regardless of the wedding thing.

Id expect a BF of 18 months to be honest about where he was spending his weekends...

How long have you been together and how long had you at the time of the wedding. He'd said he was staying at his brother's but what did he say when you presumably asked about his weekend? That's odd he managed to not mention going to a wedding reception.

You could call his bluff and agree to try the counselling as I would bet the world he would delay booking or cancel at the last minute, he deceived his previous partner for 15 years, the man is a lying conniving crapbag who from what you have written is playing you, he is a walking red flag of every cheating douchebag excuse there has ever been.

Why are they away so often and for so long??

Allllllll of this. OP is focusing on the wrong part.

Wow!! Really, your missing the point here,
He lied about the wedding, he kept the lie to himself, op is right to feel how she does,
It's deceit, its a lie, its big enough to cover the weekend up with a visit to see son at uni,

This isn't a "partner", this is a fuckbuddy.

You don't live together, it's a relationship that seems to overlap with splitting with his ex wife, plus a long term affair partner. He doesn't introduce you to anyone. He doesn't tell you what he's doing.

There is no way to reasonably see him as a partner. Partners are part of a partnership - a shared endeavour. This is just sex and socialising.