Went to wedding reception without me

[Caton]

Yesterday morning, I asked my partner whether one of his friends got married last year - he had said mid year that his friend was getting married after the summer. I had heard nothing since and it popped into my head - thinking oh did the wedding actually go ahead. He said, yes I went to the reception. Unbeknownst to me. That weekend, he had stayed at his brothers house which is a 3/4 hour drive to this wedding reception. His only child also attends university about 20 minutes away from the venue. He only told me he was driving up to spend some time with his child. I had no idea about that being the reception/wedding date. He reserved a hotel when he got the invite (which I never saw) and didn't say that either. I was incensed - and frankly incandescent - so much that I hopped in the car drove to get a coffee and some fresh air. He had been staying at mine whilst he had appointments in town - His current situation is rather chaotic. He separated from his long term partner 18 months ago and moved out of the house definitively in October last year. For the past 6 months he has stayed either with his family or with a set of friends house-sitting as they travel quite a bit. He has looked to get his own place but that is still awhile away - and also he will have to put this jointly owned property up for sale in the next 12 months. It seems to me he likes to separate and compartmentalise his relationships. I have never met his child - nor any of his long term friends nor his family members. As a mature woman (formerly married) I find his behaviour, and secrecy very very odd. He seems to think he has done nothing wrong. Oh I didn't mention the difficulty I also have as the friend who got married is female and her close friend was in a casual relationship for many years with my partner, whilst he was living with his former partner - and naturally was present - with her partner at this wedding reception. I just find this odd and am reconsidering this relationship. He is panicking and wants to go to couples counselling to discuss - as he doesn't understand why I am so incensed. Am I being unreasonable as I feel like I'm being asked to accept what is frankly unacceptable. He also said the invite was only for him - and that (conveniently) the invite was part of the whatsapp messages that were lost when he upgraded his phone.

So he only stopped living with his ex in October?? And that was also when he went to the reception? And he cheated on his ex, then had ample opportunity to cheat on you with his ex and also the FWB? I don’t think I could be bothered with all that I’m afraid

Whadda guy!!

Are you a bit more serious now than you were 6 months ago when this happened, maybe you are applying the feelings you have now as if it just happened and not really remembering that you were less serious six months ago? He must have got the invitation and booked the hotel/made plans even further back, when he was less than a year separated. I don't think it's that strange to have taken it slowly with introducing you to friends and family.

I think your level of anger is disproportionate, he has a lot going on and sounds like he got together with you immediately after separating from his wife, so hasn't developed natural boundaries or let the dust settle. If you'd been on your own longer, maybe you had more space for him to fill while he was still trying to make sense of his new life.

It's up to you how you proceed, but you can't blame him for being in a messy situation when you knew it all and still got together with him immediately and moved super fast.

@Suzjspik Have looked. No pix to be found. The ex did not go- of that I am certain.

So this man makes you feel... how?
Wrong footed? Insecure? Jealous of his ex? Paranoid? Compartmentalised? Not that special to even tell you he was off to a wedding?

Sometimes it's good to take a step back from the drama and look at what he actually brings to your life and consider if he's worth it.

My view of his former relationship was that it was financially abusive (on the partner's part not his) and coercive (again on hers)

Uh huh.

Cheated on his former partner. 🚩
Moved out of family home last October - while already in a relationship with you. 🚩
You haven't met any of his friends. 🚩
You haven't met any of his family. 🚩
He (says he) stays with family or friends, so you can't stay with him, but he stays at your place. 🚩
Lost his WhatsApp messages. 🚩
Secretive. 🚩

This guy isn't a partner.

I think you are an affair partner sadly OP. All the signs are there.

On/off with his ex
Hasn't introduced you to anyone
History of cheating
Lying about his whereabouts
His ex was supposedly abusive
Calling you crazy/dramatic when you question him

It's all textbook.

Sounds like your his side chick...

How do you know this?

He deliberately concealed the fact he was going to this reception.
He booked a hotel room.
Given his deception do you know he went to the reception by himself?

There must be a reason he deceived you.
This is not the sign of a trustworthy man or a good relationship.

Throw this one back OP.

This. He gets it, he’s just mad you aren’t accepting your little box in his life. Never be in a relationship with someone who thinks you’re unimportant. Bin him.

@SueKeeper you make sense. He has kept info from me which has had a cumulative effect. I am an open book with him and he is the opposite. Yes I was quite angry true. and yes, he is trying to make sense of his life. I see/witness his struggle to do that.

He chatted about his weekend and catching up with his family… and the wedding he went to just slipped his mind. Oops.

not an accident.

Not sure whether it matters if you were being unreasonable, it’s clearly not acceptable to you and so you need to end the relationship.

@Itstimeforachangeagain good points you've made. No I do not know 100% but not on my radar at all. It's the view expressed on the original post that I seek feedback on.

So he split with his wife, after having cheated on her...

Why are you with a man who is a known cheater?

Ditch him.

Op why hasn't he introduced you to son, family and friends yet why! What does he say to this, how do you feel knowing your his secret, what does he tell brother when he comes to your home,
I find this all very strange op,

I agree with this person. The fact he said at the time he was just going to visit his son. Going to a wedding and booking a hotel etc is a bigger event to mention than going to see your son at uni which is probably now a common event. It’s definitely unusual not to mention it when you’re in a relationship with someone and discuss the usual day to day goings on of plans and whereabouts.
it would turn me off to be honest. It’s like he’s trying to keep you secret. I feel for you.

You've been with him a year....and he's been "separated" for 18 months, moved out in October about 6 months ago. He cheated on and off for years.... Is secretive about where he is if a weekend....

You've been with him 18 months too... So almost immediately after the "separation"...

And you genuinely believe he hasn't cheated on you? Hmmmmmm.

Sounds like he was cheating in his wife with you....

Why wouldn't he cheat on you, when he did it to his wife?

@Omgblueskys I find it very strange too hence the post.

Yeah, chuck him back.

Are you sure he’s separated and/or that family and friends know about you even if you’ve not met yet? He sounds like he’s ’a girl in every port’ type - cheating on a long term partner with a long term friend. His life sounds chaotic in the extreme and he’s not someone you can trust.

It’s nothing to do with whether you were invited to the wedding. It’s about him lying by omission. What else has he not told you that you haven’t asked about?

Chuck him back (and hope no one catches him, we don’t need men like this).

This ☝️ 💯 👏

He's got more red flags then a communist parade in Moscow 🚩

Even if he was hung like a donkey and gave you the best orgasms in the world, I would still bin him. 👎 🤢 🖕

He sounds dodgy as fuck. 😬
Chuck him. ASAP. 👋

Edited to add: based on what you have described about this man and his antics, I would seriously consider getting a sexual health screening. 🤔
@Caton

@Thesnailonthewhale Good question but not one that I believe is happening.

Monogamy (and being transparent) wouldn’t appear to be his thing.

Too many red flags too early on, IMO.