Went to wedding reception without me

[Caton]

Yesterday morning, I asked my partner whether one of his friends got married last year - he had said mid year that his friend was getting married after the summer. I had heard nothing since and it popped into my head - thinking oh did the wedding actually go ahead. He said, yes I went to the reception. Unbeknownst to me. That weekend, he had stayed at his brothers house which is a 3/4 hour drive to this wedding reception. His only child also attends university about 20 minutes away from the venue. He only told me he was driving up to spend some time with his child. I had no idea about that being the reception/wedding date. He reserved a hotel when he got the invite (which I never saw) and didn't say that either. I was incensed - and frankly incandescent - so much that I hopped in the car drove to get a coffee and some fresh air. He had been staying at mine whilst he had appointments in town - His current situation is rather chaotic. He separated from his long term partner 18 months ago and moved out of the house definitively in October last year. For the past 6 months he has stayed either with his family or with a set of friends house-sitting as they travel quite a bit. He has looked to get his own place but that is still awhile away - and also he will have to put this jointly owned property up for sale in the next 12 months. It seems to me he likes to separate and compartmentalise his relationships. I have never met his child - nor any of his long term friends nor his family members. As a mature woman (formerly married) I find his behaviour, and secrecy very very odd. He seems to think he has done nothing wrong. Oh I didn't mention the difficulty I also have as the friend who got married is female and her close friend was in a casual relationship for many years with my partner, whilst he was living with his former partner - and naturally was present - with her partner at this wedding reception. I just find this odd and am reconsidering this relationship. He is panicking and wants to go to couples counselling to discuss - as he doesn't understand why I am so incensed. Am I being unreasonable as I feel like I'm being asked to accept what is frankly unacceptable. He also said the invite was only for him - and that (conveniently) the invite was part of the whatsapp messages that were lost when he upgraded his phone.

And even if you did by any chance have a good reason to stay, leave him anyway. He isn't worth it.

I think OP’s been v measured & mature in her responses & is going through the process of coming to terms with ending the relationship. It might be a very easy thing for some to do, but not for others. It will involve hurt & distress. But she says she will & can cope with it, like she has other difficult things in her life. I think she’s being pretty reasoned. It’s hard when the person you thought & your reality with them up to this point, has been actually, really good (despite his somewhat chaotic lifestyle & past). So all of that needs to be reframed by this new knowledge & as she says rightly says rug being pulled from under her feet.

These are the most manipulative types though OP - as they play on that - how this one tiny transgression shouldn’t undo all of the good of what you have together. So I hear other PP’s concern. Don’t let him manipulate his way back into your affections. Don’t fall for the “I’m not perfect” “I made a mistake. One mistake” line. No second or third or 10th chances. Good luck x

@TheAutumnCrow I don't agree with your view and feel it a bit unfair. I feel it is appropriate to comment on responses that I feel of particular relevance to me and also to those who have taken the trouble to do so.

The female he was in a casual relationship with whilst he was with his former partner was at the reception.

There’s your answer. Ofcourse he wouldn’t take you.

He had no qualms about cheating with this person then and he’s no qualms whilst with you. He was hoping to in fact.

Counselling my arse! He needs this. Not you. Kick him to the curb. Know your worth.

He doesn’t sound very interested in you at all - not introducing you to his brother, nor telling his family about you. He was also dishonest about where he was going when he went to the wedding without you.
Sounds to me like he’s treating you as a convenience, his “bit on the side”. Do yourself a favour and remove all this stress from your life by waving him goodbye.

You come over as a lovely person, but easily blindsided due to your trusting nature. So here’s the truth, since you’re so trusting that you can’t quite bring yourself to believe or understand that your ?partner? could disregard you and be dismissive of your feelings in such a manner. - He. Is. A. Deceitful. Shifty. Unworthy. Pr#ck. Undeserving. Of. One. More. Moment. Of. Your. Beautiful. Nature.
Just keep repeating that little mantra to yourself whilst you wait for the guys who are going to change the locks on your doors to arrive. You really are worthy of a MUCH better partner than the one who’s using you at the moment. Best wishes.

OP, there are lies and there are ‘lies of omission’ - a lie of ommission is when someone declines to share information that you really need to be aware of. So while he’s not outright lied, he’s kept something quite important from you so I can totally understand why you’d be so upset.

The secrecy is a massive issue, as is the fact that you’re 6+ months into a relationship and you haven’t yet met any of his friends. Do they know you exist?

I’d also be concerned about a man who’s essentially been ‘sofa surfing’ for the past 18 months! Is the jointly-owned house empty? Why hasn’t it yet been put on the market? I think you’ve hit the nail on the head by saying he’s compartmentalised all his relationships. That sounds very unhealthy.

& of course he’s an expert with lies of omission having had a long term affair in the recent past.

Wondering if you are financially better off than him and a home owner, ie a good prospect!

Him having ‘got under your skin’ is because you’ve spent 18 months (possibly longer as you’ve known him longer and he might have ‘lined you up’ to move from ‘friend’ to a romantic prospect after his affair ended and he decided to exit his then main relationship). And missed / tolerated the many issues with him. 18 months is better than another 2 or 5 years though.

Hello @comeonnowcrocodile It's coming up to 19 months not 6 (I shouldn't even be counting!!) I totally agree with your thoughts. they were still living together - sharing the house but in separate rooms - this I have seen by the way so no speculation there at all. Yes it is unhealthy behaviour and now it is really starting to affect me - and my sense of contentment and happiness. for the record - he has moved out the past 6 months but house will only be sold next summer - not this one - suits his child who is finishing uni this spring and the ex of course who works from home and doesn't have to pay to rent an office. I suspect he's decided on these dates out of guilt.

@Dozer well yes, I am much better off. I make 3-4x more than he does - still have a mortgage though!! But whilst I~ certainly wouldn't say I'm wealthy I'm doing ok for a divorced woman who has to battle alone - particularly with my young adult son who is so so bright -navigate the debilitating yet common neuro condition so that he can finally take his place in this world.

With all due respect mate, I'd concentrate more on your DS than worrying about the relationship.

It does seem as though hes stringing you along.... Personally I couldn't be in a relationship with no trust and how will you trust him moving forward?

Best of luck x

OK, so he has strong financial motivation for his relationship with you to progress. Another reason to avoid him or at least be more cautious than you have been so far.

Regarding him having supported you with some challenges your young adult DC has experienced, and the impact on you, that was good of him but no more than the actions of a close friend or boyfriend. Not sufficient reason to disregard his other (much less good) actions.

He should have guilt for the way he treated his exwife and she deserves to live in her home for the time being.

@Dozer Ewwww - that is really cringe..financial motivation..you do have a point. Personally, I would rather go without than have that in my soul. It must be an awful way to be. I think people that are like that have no confidence in their own abilities - but maybe I'm naive in that regard - believing in the power of very hard work and to keep plodding on..

OP, whilst I haven’t read the full thread, I have read all your comments and feel compelled to throw in my thoughts. When people lie they are lying to hide something, and the whole “lost invitation” thing further rings those alarms bells. Regardless of what his relationship with his ex was like he was still comfortable to have an affair, and obviously lie about it, whilst he was with her. Therefore my overarching feeling is that no matter how many good qualities he has, he is a relatively comfortable and practiced liar, and has lied to you too, on more than one occasion. It’s almost irrelevant why he was lying about the wedding, because he was hiding something you wouldn’t like, and would therefore rather do the thing he knew wasn’t ok with you and lie about it. And will do it again, as I am sure he has done it before. He’s not trustworthy, and can any relationship really work without trust? He also doesn’t respect you enough, because lying to someone inherently denotes a lack of respect, and he’s hiding something you wouldn’t like, therefore whatever that is, it was more important than your comfort/opinion/relationship.

This might seem rather harsh but people saying “I wouldn’t mind him going without me, why are you making such a fuss over a silly thing” are completely missing your point and why you’re (completely justifiably) very upset about this. Trust and respect are the bedrock/foundation of any relationship, without them it will inevitably fall down.

@Wingingit247 ~Amen. Thank you for that wonderfully written response.

@Diarygirlqueen I agree his ex-partner should live in the house for a year and change to give her time to make necessary financial, work and living adjustments - and also especially for their only child who finishes her studies this spring. It is the right thing to do. I don't agree about doing it out of guilt though. My view is that the measure of motivation should be responsibility and consideration.

This is also fair too…

Aw I feel for you, I really do.

I was you last year, also a 18 month relationship. There was so much which was so perfect while we were physically in each other's company. Like you helping with support through troubled time with teen without getting too involved or imposing. We enjoyed eachothers company and always done lovely things together. Seemed to want the same out of life and were planning to buy a house together.

But then also like you, I noticed he had lied about his whereabouts 1 time. I pointed out he couldn't have just left supermarket where he said he was as it was a Sunday and it had shut an hour ago. Then he showed a screenshot of Google maps to say he parked there but had gone for a walk round and round a park. Didn't understand why he wouldn't just say he was at that park instead so it seemed suspicious, but still to this day don't know if he was with anyone, so moved on from it. Then more and more lies about his whereabouts come. It doesn't stop after it starts and they get away with it once. Mine was actually the hardest breakup I have had because the good times were still so plentiful. Our very last day together was fantastic and I felt so happy, but then the next day found out about more deception. He was like 2 different people, the guy while he was around me. Then this other guy when we had days apart. I couldn't date that apart guy but couldn't have the together guy without the shit guy in tow so both persona had to leave for my sanity.

I have no idea if he ever physically cheated. He said he had never cheated on anyone, but i do know that soon as we split he was with someone else that very next week, so he at the very least had an emotional connection with someone while we were together to have this backup in place.

My advice would be to end it now, to save you from the months of second guessing your thoughts and sanity when you can see things are not adding up. This is just the thing you have found out, how many other times has he lied about where he been which you will never know about.

I know it is horrible and hard when you have so many things that are right. But with a wrong 1 you can't just have the good bits. You also know he got form for cheating. So that will only add to the risk, doubts and trust issues here.

Believe me I know, now you have found out this lie, there is no going back. You can stay and wreck your head for the next few months, or you can get this over with now.

@BrokenWingsCantFly Firstly, i think you should change your name to "FlyLikeanEagle" as it sounds like you have soared! Secondly - thank you for your wise words. Best wishes and many thanks!!

I'm having doubts tbh

So you'd be happy being in a relationship where you lived totally separate lives and didn't even know what each other was doing at any given time?
Incredible.

Either that or you missed the blatantly obvious point and probably should have kept scrolling if comprehension is a struggle.