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AIBU?

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Original poster

Went to wedding reception without me

473 replies

Caton · 26/02/2026 11:20

Yesterday morning, I asked my partner whether one of his friends got married last year - he had said mid year that his friend was getting married after the summer. I had heard nothing since and it popped into my head - thinking oh did the wedding actually go ahead. He said, yes I went to the reception. Unbeknownst to me. That weekend, he had stayed at his brothers house which is a 3/4 hour drive to this wedding reception. His only child also attends university about 20 minutes away from the venue. He only told me he was driving up to spend some time with his child. I had no idea about that being the reception/wedding date. He reserved a hotel when he got the invite (which I never saw) and didn't say that either. I was incensed - and frankly incandescent - so much that I hopped in the car drove to get a coffee and some fresh air. He had been staying at mine whilst he had appointments in town - His current situation is rather chaotic. He separated from his long term partner 18 months ago and moved out of the house definitively in October last year. For the past 6 months he has stayed either with his family or with a set of friends house-sitting as they travel quite a bit. He has looked to get his own place but that is still awhile away - and also he will have to put this jointly owned property up for sale in the next 12 months. It seems to me he likes to separate and compartmentalise his relationships. I have never met his child - nor any of his long term friends nor his family members. As a mature woman (formerly married) I find his behaviour, and secrecy very very odd. He seems to think he has done nothing wrong. Oh I didn't mention the difficulty I also have as the friend who got married is female and her close friend was in a casual relationship for many years with my partner, whilst he was living with his former partner - and naturally was present - with her partner at this wedding reception. I just find this odd and am reconsidering this relationship. He is panicking and wants to go to couples counselling to discuss - as he doesn't understand why I am so incensed. Am I being unreasonable as I feel like I'm being asked to accept what is frankly unacceptable. He also said the invite was only for him - and that (conveniently) the invite was part of the whatsapp messages that were lost when he upgraded his phone.

OP posts:
Thesnailonthewhale · 26/02/2026 12:55

So ... To summarise.

You've been with a man for 18 months, starting this relationship almost immediately after he's separated from long term wife who he cheated on.

Over the next year and a half he lives with this woman for 12 months, then also "house sits" for a couple for weeks and months at a time? But also house sits for a sibling some weekends... Not sure how long this arrangement has been going on for.

Presumably you're visiting him at these long term house sits? If the couple are gone for up to a month, naturally you'd be popping over etc, even if not staying over...

scottishgirl69 · 26/02/2026 12:58

Caton · 26/02/2026 11:20

Yesterday morning, I asked my partner whether one of his friends got married last year - he had said mid year that his friend was getting married after the summer. I had heard nothing since and it popped into my head - thinking oh did the wedding actually go ahead. He said, yes I went to the reception. Unbeknownst to me. That weekend, he had stayed at his brothers house which is a 3/4 hour drive to this wedding reception. His only child also attends university about 20 minutes away from the venue. He only told me he was driving up to spend some time with his child. I had no idea about that being the reception/wedding date. He reserved a hotel when he got the invite (which I never saw) and didn't say that either. I was incensed - and frankly incandescent - so much that I hopped in the car drove to get a coffee and some fresh air. He had been staying at mine whilst he had appointments in town - His current situation is rather chaotic. He separated from his long term partner 18 months ago and moved out of the house definitively in October last year. For the past 6 months he has stayed either with his family or with a set of friends house-sitting as they travel quite a bit. He has looked to get his own place but that is still awhile away - and also he will have to put this jointly owned property up for sale in the next 12 months. It seems to me he likes to separate and compartmentalise his relationships. I have never met his child - nor any of his long term friends nor his family members. As a mature woman (formerly married) I find his behaviour, and secrecy very very odd. He seems to think he has done nothing wrong. Oh I didn't mention the difficulty I also have as the friend who got married is female and her close friend was in a casual relationship for many years with my partner, whilst he was living with his former partner - and naturally was present - with her partner at this wedding reception. I just find this odd and am reconsidering this relationship. He is panicking and wants to go to couples counselling to discuss - as he doesn't understand why I am so incensed. Am I being unreasonable as I feel like I'm being asked to accept what is frankly unacceptable. He also said the invite was only for him - and that (conveniently) the invite was part of the whatsapp messages that were lost when he upgraded his phone.

You are not being unreasonable in my view. Even if the invite was for him only - he could still have told you about it

EvangelineTheNightStar · 26/02/2026 12:58

BudgetBuster · 26/02/2026 11:48

So seperated 18 months ago, from a partner he was with 25 years (and presumably mother of his kid(s)) whom he cheated in for 15 years. Then within 6 months he's dating you?

He's a busy man

Show quote history

so you’ve been friendly with his wife too over the 5 years you’ve been friends with him?

scottishgirl69 · 26/02/2026 13:00

Caton · 26/02/2026 11:35

@BudgetBuster yes and no not exactly. He was sleeping with her (wedding guest) whilst living with his former partner of 25+ years and in a relationship with his partner.

Sounds like a right catch. Think he needs to work on his own tangled life before bringing you into it

Soontobesingles · 26/02/2026 13:01

I don't think this is about the wedding. You haven't been together long, don't know his friends, and he had not long before this ended a long-term relationship. I can see why he didn't want you to go. But he sounds chaotic and untrustworthy, cheating on his ex, getting involved with you while things are still unresolved in his life, and not telling you about the wedding. It's leaving you feeling anxious and insecure, and IMO, this is simply not worth the hassle. He is letting his chaos invade your life. YOU are letting his chaos invade your life. Having to go to couples counselling in the early years of a relationship is not normal. This is when you should feel happy, secure, wanted and in love. Why are you continuing to accomodate someone who is shady at your stage of life?

Original poster
Caton · 26/02/2026 13:02

@Loubelou71 We have been together for about 18 months and it was over a year when he went to the wedding. I agree with what you've said as I feel and expect to have been told about the reception he was attending. At least half of those that have kindly posted their views see that as he wasn't obliged - but the other half of posts speak to lying by omission which is my view. Interestingly many mumsnetters have pointed out (rightfully so) it's not the wedding reception it is the wider issue of the relationship as a whole and I believe there is merit to that view which is the greater perspective - I am starting to consider the reception isn't the 'root cause' of my feelings of anger and disappointment and frustration.

OP posts:
nomas · 26/02/2026 13:03

He had been staying at mine whilst he had appointments in town - His current situation is rather chaotic.

He is panicking and wants to go to couples counselling to discuss - as he doesn't understand why I am so incensed.

Sounds like he’s panicking at losing you and your convenient digs.

I had an ex like this. In my case, he would ignore me at weddings he took me to. I wouldn’t care if he spent most of his time with relatives and friends but he took it to another level.

I dumped him, to his utter bewilderment.

FlapperFlamingo · 26/02/2026 13:04

He cheats, lies and is using you for accommodation. Dump him and move on, you don’t sound compatible at all and he sounds a drifter/user.

Gymnopedie · 26/02/2026 13:04

OF course what happens is the calling and texting after waying we need to talk this out - theres too much to lose etc

Yes of course. HE has too much to lose:

He had been staying at mine whilst he had appointments in town

What exactly would you lose if you dumped him?

BudgetBuster · 26/02/2026 13:05

Caton · 26/02/2026 13:02

@Loubelou71 We have been together for about 18 months and it was over a year when he went to the wedding. I agree with what you've said as I feel and expect to have been told about the reception he was attending. At least half of those that have kindly posted their views see that as he wasn't obliged - but the other half of posts speak to lying by omission which is my view. Interestingly many mumsnetters have pointed out (rightfully so) it's not the wedding reception it is the wider issue of the relationship as a whole and I believe there is merit to that view which is the greater perspective - I am starting to consider the reception isn't the 'root cause' of my feelings of anger and disappointment and frustration.

Ehm you've contradicted yourself here a bit so I'm just double checking.

You are together 12 months or 18 months now? Also, he seperate from his ex 18 months ago. Did he even bother to have 1 single night then?

Original poster
Caton · 26/02/2026 13:07

@Gymnopedie Good question and thank you for posting. I have no idea what I would lose - sex? Socialisation? I have no idea what and how to answer your question satisfactorily. Thank you for giving me something further to consider...

OP posts:
Original poster
Caton · 26/02/2026 13:08

@BudgetBuster We have been together since September 2024. The wedding reception was last October 2025.

OP posts:
Fairlydust · 26/02/2026 13:10

So he had nowhere to live, stays with different people including you. He had an affair and was going to see her at the event. But doesn’t invite you to events or involve you in his world? What is he bringing for you op? It doesn’t sound a lot.

SaturdayFive · 26/02/2026 13:11

He sounds shady AF! He's clearly accustomed to being very, very discreet (ie secretive/ deceitful) about who he's spending time with. Why would you waste time and money on couple's counselling? He's got no prospects until his house is sold, that could take years, and he's also got a child- how is he able to be a dad without a place to live? Is he lining you up as a nanny with a f*ny? No wonder he wants to minimise your disquiet.

BudgetBuster · 26/02/2026 13:11

Caton · 26/02/2026 13:08

@BudgetBuster We have been together since September 2024. The wedding reception was last October 2025.

Edited

So he left his partner of 25yrs for you?

Mumofteenandtween · 26/02/2026 13:12

FlapperFlamingo · 26/02/2026 13:04

He cheats, lies and is using you for accommodation. Dump him and move on, you don’t sound compatible at all and he sounds a drifter/user.

Agree with this except I would say that he sounds like a drifter / user / loser.

Seriously though - never mind about the wedding - why would you date this bloke?

You sound like a mature, intelligent woman who has their life pretty sorted. Chaotic situations are great when you are 16 and you meet an exciting 18 year old who has a motorbike and a tattoo. But now wouldn’t you just rather date an adult?

Diarygirlqueen · 26/02/2026 13:13

He has been cheating on his long term partner for years, he is far from being a honest person.
However, yes he should have told you, but I can't understand why you are so cross. I wouldn't invite someone to a wedding I was only seeing after a 25 year relationship ended.

Diarygirlqueen · 26/02/2026 13:14

Just seen that it def appears as if he cheated with you, have no sympathy for you.

Original poster
Caton · 26/02/2026 13:14

@BudgetBuster I wouldn't say that. He left his partner for himself. They had both checked out of the relationship many years before - and I wasn't going to be involved with someone who was in a relationship.

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 26/02/2026 13:14

The friendship doesn't appear to be outweighing the benefits @Caton.

Raise your bar, don't settle and let us know if kissing a frog is slimy.

You are worth more.

Lougle · 26/02/2026 13:16

Am I right in thinking that at the time of the wedding he was technically split up from his partner but still living in the same house? How long had you been together at the time of the wedding?

Beachtastic · 26/02/2026 13:16

Caton · 26/02/2026 11:35

@BudgetBuster yes and no not exactly. He was sleeping with her (wedding guest) whilst living with his former partner of 25+ years and in a relationship with his partner.

A DP going to a wedding reception without me wouldn't bother me, but I'd be bothered about the following:
Him lying to you about it
Him being pissed off when you challenge him about it
Him "compartmentalising" things
Him having a history of being a cheater (hence the compartmentalising)
The fact that he seems already to have compartmentalised you as somehow inconvenient!

Annonymiss123 · 26/02/2026 13:17

Thesnailonthewhale · 26/02/2026 12:16

I'll bet his ex is a psycho...

I'd say you're spot on. 👀 As the OP mentioned previously...

My view of his former relationship was that it was financially abusive (on the partner's part not his) and coercive (again on hers) that said I only know or surmise according to what I have been told - and from his answers to my questions. I do believe my view is correct however biased it may be.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

AlohaRose · 26/02/2026 13:17

You haven’t said a single positive thing that this man brings to your life? I have no idea why you got together with him and his chaotic life in the first place and I certainly don’t know why you would stay with him now!

hollyandribbon · 26/02/2026 13:18

Caton · 26/02/2026 11:35

@BudgetBuster yes and no not exactly. He was sleeping with her (wedding guest) whilst living with his former partner of 25+ years and in a relationship with his partner.

So you know he’s a liar. He’s just proving again that he’s a deceptive person, lying by omission is still lying.

You can’t trust him, get rid. He sounds awful!