Went to wedding reception without me

[Caton]

Yesterday morning, I asked my partner whether one of his friends got married last year - he had said mid year that his friend was getting married after the summer. I had heard nothing since and it popped into my head - thinking oh did the wedding actually go ahead. He said, yes I went to the reception. Unbeknownst to me. That weekend, he had stayed at his brothers house which is a 3/4 hour drive to this wedding reception. His only child also attends university about 20 minutes away from the venue. He only told me he was driving up to spend some time with his child. I had no idea about that being the reception/wedding date. He reserved a hotel when he got the invite (which I never saw) and didn't say that either. I was incensed - and frankly incandescent - so much that I hopped in the car drove to get a coffee and some fresh air. He had been staying at mine whilst he had appointments in town - His current situation is rather chaotic. He separated from his long term partner 18 months ago and moved out of the house definitively in October last year. For the past 6 months he has stayed either with his family or with a set of friends house-sitting as they travel quite a bit. He has looked to get his own place but that is still awhile away - and also he will have to put this jointly owned property up for sale in the next 12 months. It seems to me he likes to separate and compartmentalise his relationships. I have never met his child - nor any of his long term friends nor his family members. As a mature woman (formerly married) I find his behaviour, and secrecy very very odd. He seems to think he has done nothing wrong. Oh I didn't mention the difficulty I also have as the friend who got married is female and her close friend was in a casual relationship for many years with my partner, whilst he was living with his former partner - and naturally was present - with her partner at this wedding reception. I just find this odd and am reconsidering this relationship. He is panicking and wants to go to couples counselling to discuss - as he doesn't understand why I am so incensed. Am I being unreasonable as I feel like I'm being asked to accept what is frankly unacceptable. He also said the invite was only for him - and that (conveniently) the invite was part of the whatsapp messages that were lost when he upgraded his phone.

This 100% You deserve better!

I think maybe you are at a point where his behaviour has made you question a few things. I think you were questioning things about his behaviour but funnily enough he's managed to get you to now question your own behaviour in getting angry.

Obviously if you are an open book and are honest and transparent and the lying here from his side has annoyed you (as if would a lot of people) then you value honesty and transparency. By what you have told us about this guy he does not value honesty and transparency.

So the question at this stage could be do you want to be with a partner who doesn't align with two important values and do you want to be left feeling confused, hurt, angry and having to try and work out what's going on all the time and then be made to feel like you're the unreasonable one for it?

Or do you want clarity, love, honesty, respect and someone who cares enough to actually share their life with you 100%?

I would put his feelings aside for a moment and think about your own feelings here. How does this relationship actually make you feel and is that the feeling you want from a relationship?

I don’t know. I’ve noticed allot of men don’t talk about their lives and what they’ve been up to, unless you directly ask. Like they think it’s not worth mentioning.

Whereas my women friends will be oh I went the dentist last week and it’s my cousins wedding next month look what I’m wearing.

Reconsidering the relationship? There is no relationship. A relationship is built on trust.

Reasons not to have got into / stayed in a relationship with him:

• long term affair while with his ex
• unstable housing and finances.
• only recently fully separated from ex.
• reported abusive relationship with ex - assuming his side of it is true, he’d not spent time alone / recovering / getting help.
• prioritising dating immediately post break -up.
• Not introducing you to people after over a year of dating.
• Sense that the relationship is imbalanced.

Think you’ve been unwise to be an ‘open book’ with him.

I find his behaviour over the wedding dishonest and his reaction to yours gaslight-y.

The bigger Q for me is why you’ve chosen and sruck with him!

You haven't been together long. He definitely hasn't been available or properly single very long. He's sort of still not properly single (free of previous relationship ties like a jointly owned property, thriving solo), it's messy and he is sofa surfing.
This is not a great start to a grown up relationship.
I would walk away now. I think there is probably trouble ahead if you don't.

He wants couples counselling??????
it doesn’t even strike me you are a couple -
sorry if I’m wrong - he has certainly shown no commitment to you.

He is not really your ‘partner’ therefore I wouldn’t have an issue with this on that level. The relationship is fairly new and you don’t seem on the same page from the beginning, I wouldn’t invest more time (sunken costs fallacy).

It’s very sad, but it does read as though you are both at different points in your life and needing different things from your relationships.

Having said that, he has cheated (and, by definition, lied) to past partners, and he has lied to you too. If trust is important to you, even if you were looking for the same things, this relationship was never going to fly.

Be happy for the time you had together and the fun and support he gave you (and your DC), but wave it goodbye and save yourself unnecessary stress, anxiety and grief.

@SweetnsourNZ Hello. Yes I would have been ok with him going. I don't know these people so no investment - but I would have been ok with it. We have travelled for work and taken a few days off here and there around either his or my work commitments and done so often so I wouldn't envisage any discomfort - it's the not knowing not being advised he had a wedding reception to attend that disturbs me. It has me feeling that I need to re-examine my reality because I feel I've been deceived

@KindCompassion I am so sorry to hear of your experiennce.

@Missj25 together 18 months

@ELCismyspiritnana Th ex didn't know about the on/off fling - and before they separated she did ask him if he was interested in an open relationship - to which he said no - he didn't want that. My gut feeling is that she would have accepted that as long as her life didn't get upended. My gut feeling is that this is exhausting and wearying and it is a lot more trouble that benefit at this stage. He has gotten under my skin though so separation is going to be difficult - but in truth no more difficult than any challenge I have had to face during my lifetime - so it's all a degree of relativity in terms of discomfort.

Yes he's cheated and lied and you already know he's lied by omission about the wedding. How much else is he lying about? Some of them will just lie about everything if it suits them to do so at that moment.

These men. They lie, they compartmentalise, they gaslight, they manipulate,they cheat. They future fake. The woman in the "partnership" find their anxiety building and before they know it, they're years into it and they're accepting crumbs and kidding themselves that things are ok and normal. I was this woman and the longer you stay and let it mess with your head, the longer it takes to heal.

@WestwardHo1 Raised by wolves.

Oh that’s a bit OP for him to not have introduced you to his son/family or friends .
I too am on the dating scene , I wouldn’t like this if it were me.
The not telling you about wedding 18 months into relationship with him , like come on , can’t imagine how that’s ok in anyone’s book .
I realise you like him obviously so it must suck .
I wouldn’t continue to see him though .
Too much cloak & dagger with him .

Hes not your partner youre just a convenient bedwarmer to him!

I agree with so many comments on here.
Its really important to realise if he lied to you about what he was doing with other people hes also going to be lying to them about his relationship with you.
The fact that he won't let these two worlds collide is very revealing.

This

He told you he was a liar and cheat. He was a good enough liar to end his last relationship at the time of his choosing.

Now you’ve found out about lies to you, probably plenty of other stuff you don’t know.

you made a dodgy investment with him! 18 months is more than enough.

Judging by the number of posts you have put on this thread, to me, you are trying to convince yourself things will be ok. If you let this instance go, he will hide other things and lie to you again. You are worth more than this.

Yup. It’s like the OP’s reading our posts and marking our homework.

He sounds more casual boyfriend than partner. A partner would have told you. I think it’s fine for only him to go as you aren’t married or living together. You shouldn’t be upset at him going without you but at him not mentioning it. It’s one of his friends so fine to just invite him.

How many more red flags do you need?

You say he's 'got under your skin' which is exactly what he wants. He sounds like a lying, manipulative, gaslighting cheat. If you're happy spending time with him knowing all of this, that's entirely up to you. But protect yourself (mentally and physically) and your assets.

Yep, come on @Caton , see the writing on the wall. You deserve better