Overheard a conversation about myself - feeling sad

[Nikki3009]

This is a bit of a bizarre post, but I need a friendly ear!

I need a new tap for my kitchen, my dad has a mate who can fit it and I just needed to choose and buy it. Out of the blue my dad rang me at work and said I needed to choose a tap as his mate was free to do it the following day. It threw me because I wasn’t expecting it, and I said that I hadn’t had a chance to order anything. My dad said he’d just choose one for me but I said I’d prefer him not to do that.

I had plans this evening but I said I’d change them and go to B&q after work.

A few minutes after putting the phone down, my dad rang again, but it was a pocket dial. I then overheard my mum saying “for gods sakes, what’s wrong with her, nothing is ever good enough for her”. My Dad replied “well you know who she takes after”. And my mum said “yes, my bloody mum”. I obviously hung up at this point as I didn’t want to hear any more.

i know it’s not the worst thing to hear about yourself, but it was her tone of voice that has upset me. It was so scathing.

I am really supportive of my mum, I take her out, take her to hospital appointments, listen to her worries, she calls me her rock. I would not say a bad word about her. I feel so sad that she thinks that way about me. I’m on my own after a very difficult few years and I really thought she had my back.

My parents have helped me out a fair amount in the last few years (I literally had to start over with very little) and I’m really appreciative of it. But am I being unreasonable in wanting to choose something for my home?

The short conversation I heard made me sound like a spoiled brat, but I’m not at all materialistic, I just sometimes find it difficult choosing things because I don’t want to make a mistake. (Very common in abused women) .

its all been sorted now as I’ve got a tap ready for tomorrow but it’s left me feeling sad. It’s made me reflect on things and has me questioning myself.

i don’t think I am hard to please, I’m driving around in a very old car, my furniture is all secondhand, I haven’t had a holiday in 7 years, I’m certainly not extravagant or entitled!

I’m sure I’ll be ok once I’ve slept on it, but I really feel like saying something to her, but I’m just not sure it’s worth it.

thanks for listening (reading) xx

I’d have to text her and say I heard what she says and if she thinks that, I’ll not be helping her out anymore!

That’s really awful I’d definitely take a step back form her for awhile.

It does make you feel sad doesn't it 😞

I’d be texting or calling and saying ‘I heard your conversation, tell dad to stick the tap, and you can forget asking me for any help in the future’

Just shake it off, OP. My mother would also think it was deeply unreasonable of me to insist on choosing my own taps, but she is 80, and has spent the last 56 years just deferring to my father, with often disastrous results she can’t bring herself to acknowledge. So she gets very uncomfortable with women contradicting or overruling men, or insisting on their own preferences. I can’t change her. It’s not you, it’s them, OP, but in your shoes I’d probably arrange my own tradesmen, not rely on my father’s friend, just to avoid this kind of minor irritation.

I’d be upset too and it sounds like a really unreasonable comment. Of course you want to choose your own tap, why shouldn’t you? I’m not sure what I’d do though, whether I’d say anything or not… if it’s going to eat away at you and bug you then it might be worth bringing it up nicely and just telling her it upset you and you don’t understand where she was coming from. Depends how you think she’d receive it, would it blow up?

I’d definitely say sinething

I would also be really hurt and angry if I heard my parents talk about me like this. Its mean and two faced.

My daughter and I have our moments and sometimes I find her excruciating but I would never speak about her like that to someone. You don’t do it about your kids.

I would give both of them a wide berth tbh.

OP don’t be hard on yourself or your family.

I agree with pp, try and shake it off

it’s ok to want to choose your own fittings and furniture

Hugs for you. Hearing anyone talk like that about you is hard, but when it's your own parents it hits you so much harder.

And what @CaffeineAndChords said!

I tend to take the view that if they're slagging me off, it means they're leaving some other poor sod alone. My parents did this all the time. It doesn't mean they don't love you.

How long ago did your dad’s friend agree to do it and you were told to get a tap?
A few weeks ago? Then they might have a point because you didn’t do it, and then said no to them when your dad said he’d just get one. Or a few days ago? So no time to have done it and they’re unreasonable.

Honestly....if NC is not your ambition, what is the worry. You escaped abusive relationships. Take everything they can get you, say Thank you and move

Don't all parents moan about our kids sometimes?
My DH and I have definitely said worse than 'nothing is ever good enough for her' about ours.

They still see you like a little kid and you jump when they tell you to. You automatically changed your plans without even thinking about it.

The only way to stop all of that is to stop relying on them for stuff like that. It's so easy to stay in the parent/child dynamic and not break out of it.

I know you're not going to say anything to them about what you overheard but you really need to stop sharing stuff with them and just sort things out yourself. It's the only way they'll treat you like an adult.

That seems really unkind, I can totally understand why you’re very hurt. It’s absolutely not unreasonable at all to want to choose your own tap.

I think I’d say something, just because I’d want them to think about what they said and see for themselves it’s unfair and make them think twice if they have those discussions again.

I'm going to defend your mum and dad here a little bit. Firstly, they obviously didn't mean for you to hear that and secondly, sometimes things that frustrate us in the moment really aren't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.

It sounds like they might have been a little frustrated in that moment, and coupled with all the help they've given you, they were a little stressed out. If they had a major or ongoing problem with you they wouldn't be so supportive, I'd imagine. And if you weren't carrying trauma from your abuse it mightn't bother you so much because you would know it's simply not that deep.

I'm not saying your hurt feelings are invalid. And I'm not saying they weren't unkind. But they love you and sound like they've been good to you so I would try not to let this relatively small thing become so huge that it creates real damage.

I will also say that we're all human and we've all said things in anger that we wouldn't say to someone's face because it's not something that needs to be a big deal. Hell, this site wouldn't exist if we didn't all feel the need to offload sometimes!

Sorry you had to hear that. One comment doesn’t erase all the love and good between you, though. You know your relationship better than anyone and it sounds pretty solid. I would be inclined to say that one comment that you weren’t meant to hear does not define how she truly feels about you. My mum is very loving but can be tactless sometimes. I think parents can struggle to adjust from being the decision-makers to stepping back if that makes sense. When you assert yourself as an adult it can frustrate them - not that it makes it ok. Anyway,

They could have really been saying that they can't tell one tap from another and why bother choosing your own. Ie that you care much more than them what things look like in your home.
Families often moan gently about each other in this way when they see things differently. You help your parents and they help you, which is more important.

YANBU at all.

I'd also tell them I heard their conversation. Their comments were nasty and uncalled for.

Your reaction to being rushed/put on the spot was perfectly natural. I wouldn't want anyone to choose my taps, or any other household fixtures either!

Buy the taps you want when it suits you and get someone unconnected to your dad to fit them.

My mum is SO critical and it used to really upset me. Then I heard her talking about my young adult son in a really harsh and critical tone. And I know he has done loads for her and she really loves him and is genuinely grateful for what he's done for her.

And I just felt very sad that she has this horrible streak that just comes out of her mouth with no filter. But - I do know she really loves him and it has made me realise that perhaps she can't help herself. She just says what comes into her head and sometimes it's quite nasty.

So I think it's possible that your mum really loves you, really appreciates you and also is unreasonably critical of very small decisions just because they aren't what she would do herself.

Also, I just wondered, when your dad said "you know who she takes after", might he have meant her rather than her mum?

I also wondered how long you’ve had to get the tap. Tbh I can’t imagine calling my parents for help sorting out a tap. I’d just find someone on check a trade.

I get you said your dad knows someone but it does feel a bit… reliant. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I appreciate your history but maybe this is a sign they are feeling put upon.

I disagree with most replies.

Ive said things like that about my parents and even my children occasionally, with out meaning a word of it.

Depends, you know what theyre like usually.

If theyre usually loving parents, terrible as it was to hear, If just try and forget it.

Okay, it's horrible to overhear that sort of thing, but is there anyone who can honestly say they've never had a thoughtless, frustrated, completely unreasonable rant about someone they love, safe in the knowledge that the person will not hear it (because we know deep down that it's unreasonable and silly)? No-one is that saintly.