Overheard a conversation about myself - feeling sad

[Nikki3009]

This is a bit of a bizarre post, but I need a friendly ear!

I need a new tap for my kitchen, my dad has a mate who can fit it and I just needed to choose and buy it. Out of the blue my dad rang me at work and said I needed to choose a tap as his mate was free to do it the following day. It threw me because I wasn’t expecting it, and I said that I hadn’t had a chance to order anything. My dad said he’d just choose one for me but I said I’d prefer him not to do that.

I had plans this evening but I said I’d change them and go to B&q after work.

A few minutes after putting the phone down, my dad rang again, but it was a pocket dial. I then overheard my mum saying “for gods sakes, what’s wrong with her, nothing is ever good enough for her”. My Dad replied “well you know who she takes after”. And my mum said “yes, my bloody mum”. I obviously hung up at this point as I didn’t want to hear any more.

i know it’s not the worst thing to hear about yourself, but it was her tone of voice that has upset me. It was so scathing.

I am really supportive of my mum, I take her out, take her to hospital appointments, listen to her worries, she calls me her rock. I would not say a bad word about her. I feel so sad that she thinks that way about me. I’m on my own after a very difficult few years and I really thought she had my back.

My parents have helped me out a fair amount in the last few years (I literally had to start over with very little) and I’m really appreciative of it. But am I being unreasonable in wanting to choose something for my home?

The short conversation I heard made me sound like a spoiled brat, but I’m not at all materialistic, I just sometimes find it difficult choosing things because I don’t want to make a mistake. (Very common in abused women) .

its all been sorted now as I’ve got a tap ready for tomorrow but it’s left me feeling sad. It’s made me reflect on things and has me questioning myself.

i don’t think I am hard to please, I’m driving around in a very old car, my furniture is all secondhand, I haven’t had a holiday in 7 years, I’m certainly not extravagant or entitled!

I’m sure I’ll be ok once I’ve slept on it, but I really feel like saying something to her, but I’m just not sure it’s worth it.

thanks for listening (reading) xx

I agree with this post entirely.

I’ve certainly had a moan about people I care about deeply as a way of letting off steam, ashamed to admit. In addition your parents are presumably getting a bit older and I find this tendency can increase with age. they would be mortified I’m sure if they knew you’d heard.

honestly OP I would draw a line under it if you can. It was a thoughtless thing said in the moment as they were slightly inconvenienced. Nothing more.

I feel for you. You weren't meant to hear that and it's understandable you feel upset.

But we all vent sometimes. Mumsnet would be tumbleweed if no one complained about family/friends. I deeply love those close to me, but all of us are flawed. I complain about people sometimes and I've no doubt they complain about me. There's not a person I know who doesn't drive me crazy occasionally 😂.

OP, if you don't say something, it will just eat away at you. It doesn't have to be done angrily. Just tell them that you overheard and were really hurt. See what they say. They might apologise so profusely that you'll feel a lot better. I do think the remark that nothing's ever good enough for you should be addressed, if you think that's unfair. I think it's very bad to let these things fester.

I wouldn’t care tbh, I’d just be happy to have a tap fixed as it’s so difficult to find specialists these days! It’s frankly a bloody nightmare. I am the other side of the spectrum though- very solutions driven makes me completely numb to what outside parties think.

Your mum sounds very impatient. Why shouldn’t you choose your own tap!
I think I would speak to her about it. I hope she apologises to you.

Sorry OP, that sounds deeply hurtful.
Step back is my advice.
Take your space.
Some women just can't help themselves.

If you have a good and loving relationship with your parents, try and keep perspective.
Because moaning and venting, one parent to another about something their DC has annoyed them about, isnt uncommon. And if I had a pound for every time a parent has said some version of 'nothings ever good enough' about their DC, i reckon id be a wealthy woman.
The parental 'discussion' of you starts when you're small and mum and dad talk about how you've been difficult that day, and it's just carries on.
If she was bad mouthing you up and down the street, if would be a different matter, but she's expressing her frustration because she thinks you're being awkward, in a private conversation with your other parent.
By all means tell them you overheard if you want to say your piece in return, but try not to take it too much to heart.

It’s not the worst thing you could hear tbh, and they’re not saying you’re a spoilt brat, just fussy. I’ve ranted about my mum plenty and I’m sure she’s ranted about me too, in fact when I’ve been a bitch I’ve rang my siblings and told them to make sure to ring her so she can vent about me!

I put up with a mother like that and at the age of 48 had enough and cut all contact, best thing I ever did. She has passed now and I do not regret it. She was endlessly ungrateful and endlessly critical. I decided I just could not bear it any longer.

This happened to me last year with my mother. I overheard her from upstairs when she thought I’d gone to bed.
I confronted her immediately and it was absolutely horrific. I really lost it.
it’s never been the same since.
it is sad. I understand and feel for you x

This would upset me too. I too am quite picky about buying things, no point wasting your money on something you’re not going to like.

I kind of wish I was more of a “that will do” person, but I’m not. I can imagine it’s quite hard for them to understand that you want something specific. I’m sorry you heard that.

This sooo much. Maybe there are a few saints on MN who genuinely would never utter a critical word about any of their loved ones ever but the rest of us do. DH and I say much worse to each other about DS when in private. Those comments are not meant for anyone else to hear. They are said between us only because we both know how much we love DS, how much we would and have sacrificed for him and how much we want the best for him and for him to thrive. He is however sometimes exasperating and we are the only two who are allowed to say it to each other

Op , you know your relationship with your parents do will deep down know if this.ia something important or not.

Horrible thing to hear but thinking about it from their side.......Your dad was all happy that he could get it sorted for you next day, prob thought he was doing you a favour in getting the tap so you didn't have to worry. Maybe he felt a little hurt when you said no I will get it. Mum is prob just defending him. I would try not to think too much of it and to thank them for their help.

I wouldn’t even bother saying anything to my parents, until next time “her bloody mum” was there, and then raise tge subject if taps, and if you had chance you would have gone to France first a weekend , because the saving in a tsp woukd pay fir the hotel and ferry, do u agree Nanny?

I woukd have fun with it, it sounds like your mother is a nice lady, but has issues with other women having an opinion of their own.

Yanbu op and that's hurtful. However what I would say is that next steps depend on how you think they'd handle being held accountable. I know if that was my parents they'd immediately get defensive, would make out I'm the problem and then turn it round on me. So it's never worth my time or energy challenging them because I know they will never hear it. However if your parents aren't like that then maybe you could have a conversation and say that you overheard their conversation as they rang you while they had it and that you were disappointed to hear them speaking so negatively about you and that it was hurtful. Give them a chance to amend if you think that's how the conversation will go.

I would also say that I know in the past I've said harsh things about people I didn't really mean when I've been under pressure or stressed so it's also possible that you've caught them at a bad moment and they were getting themselves in a tizzy about arranging things with your dad's friend?

I think op it's great you know yourself and you know what they've said isn't the truth. I think a tap is quite an important part of the bathroom so I completely would want to choose my own as well so I think you were totally reasonable.

I wouldn't burn a bridge if they don't have form for this.

I would also feel sad. Just makes me
also wonder whether she might have been feeling a bit frazzled and said it as a sort of annoyed comment about you when she really does love and appreciate you (since it seems most of her actions have shown this it seems)?
I can be sharp tongued about the negative sides of people I love eg my children if I am feeling emotional/ very stressed and they aren’t helping/ are being a bit annoying. I would say it’s half a percent of what I think of them when everything else comes at 99.5% positive. Sorry it made the bad feelings bigger than they deserve to be.
Maybe you can use it to help you become aware of how your trauma is activated so you can feel a bit more like your real self (after the abusive relationship).

This!

I wouldn’t take it to heart. You say you can be indecisive and that is obviously frustrating to the personality type your dad has. He clearly couldn’t give a monkeys what tap he has so struggles to see your pov.

id forget it

I think it's best to shake it off rather than act on it. I'm sure your mother would be mortified if she knew you heard her. Sometimes people just say things out of exasperation but dont really mean it.

I agree op it's not nice - parents are not always the lovely people we'd like them to be. Of course it's sad to hear them speak like that.
I doubt if there's much to be gained by discussing it with her (up to you obviously), maybe just pull back a bit as a pp mentioned. You can keep the basic contact going but don't be too emotionally invested with them.

That is horrible and I'd be upset too. I like to think I'd tell my mum I'd heard what she said and have a calm discussion about it... But I'd probably actually just try to forget it. I'd definitely want to choose my own tap and it could take me at least a week as I'm indecisive.

This.

Did you get the tap OP?

I'd let this comment pass tbh.

True. I would hate to know what my parents said about us when me and my siblings weren’t listening.

That is horrible to hear, but your mum didn’t intend for you to hear. We have all said things with shouldn’t/don’t mean about people but this was said to empathise with your dad.

i would be sad and would probably say something although there’s a possibility that could make it worse.

I say much worse things about my mother (only to my sister) and I love her dearly. It’s just venting.

if you don’t think you can just forget it, tell her you heard and ask her what she meant by it, give her a chance to explain. But do it in person, not by text message.