Overheard a conversation about myself - feeling sad

[Nikki3009]

This is a bit of a bizarre post, but I need a friendly ear!

I need a new tap for my kitchen, my dad has a mate who can fit it and I just needed to choose and buy it. Out of the blue my dad rang me at work and said I needed to choose a tap as his mate was free to do it the following day. It threw me because I wasn’t expecting it, and I said that I hadn’t had a chance to order anything. My dad said he’d just choose one for me but I said I’d prefer him not to do that.

I had plans this evening but I said I’d change them and go to B&q after work.

A few minutes after putting the phone down, my dad rang again, but it was a pocket dial. I then overheard my mum saying “for gods sakes, what’s wrong with her, nothing is ever good enough for her”. My Dad replied “well you know who she takes after”. And my mum said “yes, my bloody mum”. I obviously hung up at this point as I didn’t want to hear any more.

i know it’s not the worst thing to hear about yourself, but it was her tone of voice that has upset me. It was so scathing.

I am really supportive of my mum, I take her out, take her to hospital appointments, listen to her worries, she calls me her rock. I would not say a bad word about her. I feel so sad that she thinks that way about me. I’m on my own after a very difficult few years and I really thought she had my back.

My parents have helped me out a fair amount in the last few years (I literally had to start over with very little) and I’m really appreciative of it. But am I being unreasonable in wanting to choose something for my home?

The short conversation I heard made me sound like a spoiled brat, but I’m not at all materialistic, I just sometimes find it difficult choosing things because I don’t want to make a mistake. (Very common in abused women) .

its all been sorted now as I’ve got a tap ready for tomorrow but it’s left me feeling sad. It’s made me reflect on things and has me questioning myself.

i don’t think I am hard to please, I’m driving around in a very old car, my furniture is all secondhand, I haven’t had a holiday in 7 years, I’m certainly not extravagant or entitled!

I’m sure I’ll be ok once I’ve slept on it, but I really feel like saying something to her, but I’m just not sure it’s worth it.

thanks for listening (reading) xx

I think your parents were being very unfair to speak as if you are fussy or ungrateful because you want to choose items for your own home. You are an adult running your own home so of course you want to choose your own tap, there is nothing unreasonable about that.

See how you feeling the morning before deciding if you want to talk to your mum about the conversation you overheard. If you do decide to speak to her you need to be confident about telling her there is nothing wrong with you because you want to choose your own taps and you found her scathing tone hurtful. Don't be bullied into believing this is a you problem. If she doesn't apologise I would step back and create a bit of space for yourself. It's no good for your self esteem to keep trying to please people who don't think we'll of you.

Why are you saying things that you don’t mean?

People can be nasty when they feel criticised; maybe your dad felt like he'd be giving you a nice surprise and you made it clear it was difficult/causing problems and that his choice of tap wouldn't be 'good enough', therefore he was cross from hurt/disappointment and your mum felt defensive of him/wanted to validate his feelings.

Not that it's ok but to take the personal bite out of it maybe? Just an idea of course it's just speculation.

Just try to forget you heard it. I know it’s hard.

Also well done on choosing a tap yourself. I suffered DA as well and it changes how you do things and how you think. It makes decisions really hard as there’s always that voice saying all those nasty things.

Because people aren't perfectly rational actors? Except you of course. I'm sure you've never said an insincere thing in your life.

As a long-term abused woman, I completely relate. I would have to tell my mum I heard it.

Another one wondering how long you have been putting off choosing a tap.

You could have said thats great you will go tonight, but you made it sound like an inconvenience that your dad‘s friend was helping you tomorrow, which was probably embarrassing for your dad.

This happened to me a few years back, it really upset me, as they get older they don't hide the fact that they dissapprove a LOT about most things I do ive learnt to accept it now? I think all families bitch a bit, I think that's normal??

When you dont have a lot of new things what you do have matters. It would feel terrible to have to pay for a nasty tap ( or anything) that was not to your taste and have to know you let someone else do that to you every time you looked at it and couldn't say anything because its a " favour "

This description is probably not of your mum and dads lives. They really lack empathy if they don't understand its yours.

You can ask them not to hurry your decisions, that you are having to practice having autonomy. That even you are not always sure what you might like, but its important for you to find out. Their opinions on how easy these choices are, are simply not your lived experience, no matter how much they wish it were?

What your mum meant was that you remind her of her mum when she thinks you're unreasonable. Don't overanalyse this @Nikki3009 . My Mil says my dh takes after her deceased fil every time she's mad at him. She loves him dearly and it's just a way to vent. We are all a pain to others at times- brush it off and don't interpret it in a way it wasn't intended. Seriously talk to your mum and tell her it made you sad and I'm sure she will tell you how loved you are. Actions speak louder than words and you say your parents have really helped you out a lot so do not forget that.🩷

I don't think they really thought about anything they said. They were just chatting shit. Take no notice.

Of course you want to choose your own tap but they just wanted to not wait for you. Forget it.

Just two minutes ago my dh was giving out about our adult dd and if anyone heard him they wouldn't realise he adores her and would do anything to help her. He was just frustrated as therre is something he needs her to do..for herself..and she hasn't. It would make her life much easier but she is not biting.
Sounds like your dad helps you which is great.
And l definitely would want to pick my own taps but they come from a generation where a tap was a tap. You haven't done anything wrong and they are mean so maybe don't be so generous with your help in future. But don't take it to heart.

it was discussed last weekend!

They love you, as shown by their help and support.
Try to look on the bright side - your family are expressive. They can be frank and honest.
Don't cut ties over a conversation that they did not mean for you to hear - they were not purposefully unkind.

Your Dad felt frustrated that his plan was not up to your standard, your mother was settling his pride.

Next time you engage your folks to help out or share problems make sure that you also share that you have bought "the tap" or window pane or whatever and are waiting for the tradesman to complete the job tomorrow.

I would call her out on that and reduce the help I provide. She sounds like a brat (well, both do).

My parents would do that.
Probably worse actually.
I don't feel close to my parents

Def text them you heard them criticising you.. Maybe they can find someone more suitable to be their bloody errand runner..

I'm sorry your heard your parents say that. That must have hurt. It might be good to talk to your Mum about it.

Sounds like they tried to problem solve for you, then you didn't accept and had to cancel your plans, so they felt a bit exasperated and were venting.

You did nothing wrong. It's them being frustrated and wanting things sorted. I think most of us have done stuff like this and would hate for the person to overhear.

Your parents are how my dad was. It's difficult. In the end whatever he was offering to do for me/arrange was too high a price to pay. Nothing was worth giving him more 'ammo' against me. From your words, I doubt this is the first time they've expressed something like this about you either, sadly.

Step back, don't take up offers of help, don't offer to help unless you really want to. You could speak to them about it if it weighs on you heavily, let them know you heard but I very much doubt you'll get an resolve from this.

Have a good think about whether or not your mum is right. And sleep on it.

But i would let them know you heard it, tell your dad to stand his friend down and get someone else to put the tap in. If you want to make a point, step back a bit from helping your mum, you could tell her that you both clearly need a bit of distance from each other.

OP I can really relate to how hurt you feel. I'm the youngest of four and was the one who did virtually everything for my mother until she died at the age of almost 102.
BUT whatever I did was never good enough. Never quite right. Always criticised. Her favourite phrase was 'I suppose that will have to do'
It really hurt.
And that was what was what she said to my face.
Goodness only knows what she said behind my back.

I feel for you.

Whenever I’ve let a parent / workman choose something it’s been hideous, I don’t blame you.

I'd be very, very hurt

Why is it the one who does the most gets it in the neck more? And the golden child is the one who pops back just for Xmas?! I see it all the time and it was the same in our family too. It's so odd.