Overheard a conversation about myself - feeling sad

[Nikki3009]

This is a bit of a bizarre post, but I need a friendly ear!

I need a new tap for my kitchen, my dad has a mate who can fit it and I just needed to choose and buy it. Out of the blue my dad rang me at work and said I needed to choose a tap as his mate was free to do it the following day. It threw me because I wasn’t expecting it, and I said that I hadn’t had a chance to order anything. My dad said he’d just choose one for me but I said I’d prefer him not to do that.

I had plans this evening but I said I’d change them and go to B&q after work.

A few minutes after putting the phone down, my dad rang again, but it was a pocket dial. I then overheard my mum saying “for gods sakes, what’s wrong with her, nothing is ever good enough for her”. My Dad replied “well you know who she takes after”. And my mum said “yes, my bloody mum”. I obviously hung up at this point as I didn’t want to hear any more.

i know it’s not the worst thing to hear about yourself, but it was her tone of voice that has upset me. It was so scathing.

I am really supportive of my mum, I take her out, take her to hospital appointments, listen to her worries, she calls me her rock. I would not say a bad word about her. I feel so sad that she thinks that way about me. I’m on my own after a very difficult few years and I really thought she had my back.

My parents have helped me out a fair amount in the last few years (I literally had to start over with very little) and I’m really appreciative of it. But am I being unreasonable in wanting to choose something for my home?

The short conversation I heard made me sound like a spoiled brat, but I’m not at all materialistic, I just sometimes find it difficult choosing things because I don’t want to make a mistake. (Very common in abused women) .

its all been sorted now as I’ve got a tap ready for tomorrow but it’s left me feeling sad. It’s made me reflect on things and has me questioning myself.

i don’t think I am hard to please, I’m driving around in a very old car, my furniture is all secondhand, I haven’t had a holiday in 7 years, I’m certainly not extravagant or entitled!

I’m sure I’ll be ok once I’ve slept on it, but I really feel like saying something to her, but I’m just not sure it’s worth it.

thanks for listening (reading) xx

@Nikki3009 I would feel gutted hearing that. It would leave that awful sinking feeling in my stomach. Its horrible when someone you feel close to could say such a thing, and then you feel like an idiot for not anticipating they could feel like that.

Can I just add that when our old tap broke, DH and I made a special trip together to find a kitchen tap we liked, because it is hard to tell exactly what they look and feel like if you order online. Neither of us thought it odd, and nor did the shop owner who brought out several taps, asked what the other metal fittings in our kitchen were made of and discussed what would look best given the shape and size of the sink.
And OP parents wouldn't bother with all that, by the sound of it, which is fine. People are different.

Oh I know, hearing it just got me down

Your dad probably called you thinking it was good news, he's arranged for someone to come and help you, and didn't expect you to complain.

Unfortunate that you heard the pocket dial but it doesn't sound like a big deal, unless it's part of a bigger thing where you always feel critisised.

I understand why you are upset, but they were just venting. I'm guilty of moaning about people I adore, and would be devastated if it was taken as anything other than a spur of the moment vent. I wouldn't let it affect your relationship with them.

And the Golden Child is generally a boy?

OP honestly, don't "call them out", go LC or any other dramatic response.

Unless it is part of a noticeable pattern.

The people we love also infuriate us. That is okay and normal. Venting a bit about it is okay and normal.

It doesn't mean your parents don't love you deeply.

DD1 is funny, clever, imaginative, sporty, and very pretty. She also talks for Britain and takes 3 million years to do anything. I will often quip to DH when she is out of hearing "god trying to get her to hurry up is taking years off my life" or "she might've finished X by the time I retire".

If you heard that out of context you might say, oooh I'm so critical, toxic etc. But that is one tiny bit of our relationship. Which she isn't meant to see.

Truly, unless this is a pattern, I'd leave it be.

I can understand why you are hurt op but I would avoid jumping to conclusions before having a calm chat with your mum about this.

It could just be that they were busy and your mum wanted your dad there and back immediately tonight for some reason, rather than him having to go out tomorrow. It could have just been one of those moments where they were stressed with one another and lashing out.

I’m not saying you are like this op, but our young adult dds sometimes automatically assume we don’t have a lot on but that’s because we don’t burden them with a lot of things and our conversation tends to focus on their activities when they are with us. And obviously they are our top priority so we clear everything else to see them,

Or , do you think you feel so hurt because harsh criticism was part of the way your mum parented? And this outburst reminded you of a pattern of incidents? You haven’t given us much context about your upbringing op? If it’s the latter then you may need to explore this more.

Finally, I am really sorry that you had an abusive relationship. Obviously you will be aware that this can make you more sensitive ro criticism too and that’s in no way your fault as you have been primed by your ex to think badly of yourself

I think any of us would have felt hurt in this situation op but I think I might have stayed on the phone and said something like, “charming, I heard that thanks, you can take yourself to your next hospital appointment! ” but I would have said it in a half humorous way, and see how they responded? And that’s because I have the confidence to know I am not particularly hard to please. But maybe that confidence has been taken from you by your last relationship? So you second guess yourself? 💐

Totally understandable, but I'd try to see it as a moment of frustration and not something defining about your relationship.
I wouldn't start reducing help or seeing them less as other posters are suggesting, just on the basis of a moan between the two of them they never meant you to hear.

It's sounds like you and your parents have a close and supportive relationship and you love each other a lot.

That was brutal from your mother and your father was unreasonable to give you less than a days notice. He could easily have arranged another day for his friend to do the work but preferred to put you under pressure rather than put his friend out.

Time to reset your relationship dynamic with them so they treat you more as an adult, deserving of respect. Get your own tradespeople, be less at their beck & call.

I agree with this. I understand it was unpleasant to hear, but if they are generally loving and good parents I would brush it off, it doesn’t represent how they feel about you. I’m pretty sure my Mum heard my Dad and I having a whinge about her once and it really upsets me, because what we said definitely doesn’t represent how I feel about her. Sometimes you can love someone very much but be frustrated in the moment and just blowing off a bit of steam.

If they’re not nice when they’re speaking directly to you that’s different.

I'd either send them a link to this thread or message saying how hurt you feel and how from your perspective you have made a fair amount of effort to support them. With a few examples. Not surprised you feel hurt.

I moan about my kids all the time but I love them to bits

I think you should try and quit the habit of moaning about people you adore if it's something as insignificant as a tap fitting.

Everyone vents but saying something mean over something so minor is really horrible, I'd be upset too OP.

I would just make a gin martini.

Perhaps you should curtail that if you want to maintain a good relationship with them as adults.

Now that is the correct response. Why is it only Tuesday? I can't persuade my husband to make one on a Tuesday.

Hope you do this girl x

I need a new tap for my kitchen, my dad has a mate who can fit it and I just needed to choose and buy it.

It can cost hundreds to fit a kitchen tap, I would be grateful for the free help, your dad was probably stressed being the middle man. Did you thank him?

No not harsh at all, it’s a fair point. My dad offered so it’s not something I asked him to do. I’m more upset that my mum would even be bothered when it doesn’t affect her at all

yes of course I thanked him - I was just blindsided by the timing as it meant I hadn’t had a chance to look at taps!

Yes. I think this too, plus perhaps from their point of view choosing your own tap is picky, it’s really not nice and it would have knocked me too but my family get on my nerves and I’ll say typical mum giving the kids sweets again or talking endlessly about her friends I don’t know - wouldn’t be nice if she heard it but doesn’t mean I love her less xx

Do you and your other half never have a private chat about your dc because my dh and I do very occasionally?

In fact, he’s the only person I would complain to about my dds because he knows I love the very bones of them so it’s ok ifyswim!

Surely it’s just human to be frustrated with one of your adult children occasionally?

I know what op’s mum said sounded very harsh but the point is, it wasn’t “someone” or “anyone” she was talking toit, it was her dh who also knows presumably that she loves her very much too?

This obviously doesn’t apply if her mum is critical very often.

I totally get it. I had a similar experience once, my mum sent me a message meant for her husband moaning as I'd asked her to take my kids so I could attend a meeting at their school. Never mind the fact she was always badgering me to see them or that she loved going on about how much she helped me compared to her friends and their kids.

It actually gave me a push to really pull back from her as I had allowed her to overstep way too much. In doing so she probably says way worse about me now but at least I've not heard about it again. It was a horrible feeling which was made worse by the fact that I felt like I couldn't defend myself - I'm very confrontation adverse.

Your mum sounds quite unkind to be saying things like that about a daughter who seems to do a fair bit of running around for her. Would she like it if you said that same phrase about her?I can imagine she wouldnt. Whilst you don't need to make it a blazing row with a huge fallout I'd maybe say you overheard what she said about you and tell her honestly how it's made you feel