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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overheard a conversation about myself - feeling sad

247 replies

Nikki3009 · 24/02/2026 20:40

This is a bit of a bizarre post, but I need a friendly ear!

I need a new tap for my kitchen, my dad has a mate who can fit it and I just needed to choose and buy it. Out of the blue my dad rang me at work and said I needed to choose a tap as his mate was free to do it the following day. It threw me because I wasn’t expecting it, and I said that I hadn’t had a chance to order anything. My dad said he’d just choose one for me but I said I’d prefer him not to do that.

I had plans this evening but I said I’d change them and go to B&q after work.

A few minutes after putting the phone down, my dad rang again, but it was a pocket dial. I then overheard my mum saying “for gods sakes, what’s wrong with her, nothing is ever good enough for her”. My Dad replied “well you know who she takes after”. And my mum said “yes, my bloody mum”. I obviously hung up at this point as I didn’t want to hear any more.

i know it’s not the worst thing to hear about yourself, but it was her tone of voice that has upset me. It was so scathing.

I am really supportive of my mum, I take her out, take her to hospital appointments, listen to her worries, she calls me her rock. I would not say a bad word about her. I feel so sad that she thinks that way about me. I’m on my own after a very difficult few years and I really thought she had my back.

My parents have helped me out a fair amount in the last few years (I literally had to start over with very little) and I’m really appreciative of it. But am I being unreasonable in wanting to choose something for my home?

The short conversation I heard made me sound like a spoiled brat, but I’m not at all materialistic, I just sometimes find it difficult choosing things because I don’t want to make a mistake. (Very common in abused women) .

its all been sorted now as I’ve got a tap ready for tomorrow but it’s left me feeling sad. It’s made me reflect on things and has me questioning myself.

i don’t think I am hard to please, I’m driving around in a very old car, my furniture is all secondhand, I haven’t had a holiday in 7 years, I’m certainly not extravagant or entitled!

I’m sure I’ll be ok once I’ve slept on it, but I really feel like saying something to her, but I’m just not sure it’s worth it.

thanks for listening (reading) xx

OP posts:
ChalkOrCheese · 25/02/2026 08:49

I heard a butt dial moaning about me once but that person moans about everyone the second they are out of earshot. If they are like that about everyone then its a character flaw in them, not you.

I'd bide my time, wait for mum to make a remark about someone and say something like "nothings ever good enough for them, eh. Perhaps they also take after their gran. Bit like me huh."

Papyrophile · 25/02/2026 08:50

I'm totally on your team @Nikki3009 . I have very strong opinions, especially if there is anything that I'm going to have to look at long term, and anyone who knows me knows that. I am not sure there's anyone brave enough to choose fixtures, fittings, furniture or clothes for me! I'd rather go without than not choose my own stuff! If that makes me "difficult" so be it.

Tootandcomein · 25/02/2026 08:53

I think it's time to stand on your own two feet now OP and become fully independent. Next time you need help in the house - go and find a tradie yourself.

You all sound so fatigued of each other. Just create a little more space. Start being unavailable sometimes. and don't "people please"....

Owly11 · 25/02/2026 08:57

I think the scathing tone of voice must have been a shock. It perhaps does reveal a deep seated dislike of you and so is not the run of the mill moaning that we all do sometimes about each other. I could never imagine speaking about my children in a scathing tone. It sounds like your dad did not join in which is good. It sounds very hurtful and a shock - it seems you weren't aware your mum felt like this. But do remember that she is projecting on to you - this isn't about you so much as about her.

GreenCandleWax · 25/02/2026 08:59

SupposedTo · 24/02/2026 20:46

Just shake it off, OP. My mother would also think it was deeply unreasonable of me to insist on choosing my own taps, but she is 80, and has spent the last 56 years just deferring to my father, with often disastrous results she can’t bring herself to acknowledge. So she gets very uncomfortable with women contradicting or overruling men, or insisting on their own preferences. I can’t change her. It’s not you, it’s them, OP, but in your shoes I’d probably arrange my own tradesmen, not rely on my father’s friend, just to avoid this kind of minor irritation.

Everyone is responsible for their own actions. Why excuse OP's horrible two faced mother. Definitely call her out on it OP, and tell her where to go.😢

Sparkletastic · 25/02/2026 09:04

Do your parents have a dynamic of backing each other up in a negative manner OP? My grandparents were like this, as are my ILs - very close as a couple but can be really unpleasant about family and friends.

GreenCandleWax · 25/02/2026 09:07

user1492757084 · 24/02/2026 21:21

They love you, as shown by their help and support.
Try to look on the bright side - your family are expressive. They can be frank and honest.
Don't cut ties over a conversation that they did not mean for you to hear - they were not purposefully unkind.

Your Dad felt frustrated that his plan was not up to your standard, your mother was settling his pride.

Next time you engage your folks to help out or share problems make sure that you also share that you have bought "the tap" or window pane or whatever and are waiting for the tradesman to complete the job tomorrow.

The mother had no right to speak of her DD like that just to appease her husband's mood. I get it OP, having had something similar once. It feels like a betrayal coming from someone you thought had your back and supported you.

binnibonnieboo · 25/02/2026 09:10

Am I the only one who shares a moan with my DH about our much loved son every now and then? I might complain he takes after my DH in being an argumentative bugger for example. Or is prone to boy flu. Doesn't mean anything, just a recognition that while you both love your children, like any person on the planet they are not perfect.

IAmTheStreets · 25/02/2026 09:13

YANBU, there is nothing wrong with wanting to choose the tap yourself. You're the one to live with it, after all!

diddl · 25/02/2026 09:14

Sparkletastic · 25/02/2026 09:04

Do your parents have a dynamic of backing each other up in a negative manner OP? My grandparents were like this, as are my ILs - very close as a couple but can be really unpleasant about family and friends.

I also wonder if Op's Dad said anything?

Seems an odd comment from her mum to have come out of nowhere & for her to essentially agree with if it had.

fellowmima · 25/02/2026 09:19

Nikki3009 · 25/02/2026 08:24

I didn't move back with my parents but they did help me out a lot when I was leaving (it was a dangerous time for me, I mean at one point I was having to use a pole supplied by the police to barricade my bedroom door).

I think I was just shocked at the vitriol in my mum's voice, there wasn't any need for it over something so minor.
My dad likes to help in my home because he was never able to when I lived with my ex but I certainly don't want it to cause issues between us. I'm more than capable of sorting most things out on my own and I've done things my mum would never dream of doing! FWIW my brother can't even change a lightbulb and has my mum or dad up at his house every week cleaning/DIY/ironing etc, so I really don't feel that I ask them to do much for me at all!

Show quote history

I'm afraid it sounds like you don't like your dm much. You are also a bit sneery about your db here. All normal and understandable family dynamic can be so tricky, so not judging you, just pointing out. Your mum bitched a bit about you and you are now having a moan about her on a public forum maybe she'll stumble across this.

I know I can be particular but it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me
One day when you have teenagers or adult dc yourself it will be helpful to have addressed the being particular thing or hope your dc will be tolerant and easy going.

looselegs · 25/02/2026 09:20

Aah that's really sad. I'd definitely either call her out on it or buy your own tap and make some comment about choosing your own because nothing else is ever good enough for me....
Bes,how do they know that the tap they've got will fit??

Original poster
Nikki3009 · 25/02/2026 09:29

fellowmima · 25/02/2026 05:36

YABU - I guess you don't have dc... you can love them to bits and do all and everything for them AND feel exasperated or fed up some of the time. Your dp support and help you and maybe your delaying the tab thing stressed them when they were trying to help. Are you often delaying or vague about making choices and commitments?

Tell your parents you over heard them and it made you sad but that you can also understand that they were trying to help and your response stressed them (rightly or wrongly). As a parent especially of adult dc you cannot always be in full on accepting nurture mode. It's the aim but dc also can be annoying and difficult.

Moreover, maybe don't rely on dad's help with these things too much in the future. Do they feel responsible for you because you don't have a partner and family of your own? Cut the some slack.

I do have a DD she's at uni, so I do understand parental exasperation! I just felt that my mum's response didn't fit the 'crime'. Granted I wasn't meant to hear it, but I felt she would have my back more in that situation. It was only at the weekend that she told me she never lets my dad choose anything because he only ever picks what's practical rather than anything that looks nice!

FWIW I really appreciate everything my Dad has done to help me. My mum has never lived alone, has had lots of things done for her, so to hear her complain that 'nothing is ever good enough for me' really felt unwarranted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nikki3009 · 25/02/2026 09:32

Sparkletastic · 25/02/2026 09:04

Do your parents have a dynamic of backing each other up in a negative manner OP? My grandparents were like this, as are my ILs - very close as a couple but can be really unpleasant about family and friends.

They argue incessantly, as a lot of mature married couples do!

OP posts:
Tootandcomein · 25/02/2026 09:32

no matter what my child decides, doesn't decide, does and doesn't do - I'll never talk about them in a scathing tone.

Especially about a TAP!

Original poster
Nikki3009 · 25/02/2026 09:38

fellowmima · 25/02/2026 09:19

I'm afraid it sounds like you don't like your dm much. You are also a bit sneery about your db here. All normal and understandable family dynamic can be so tricky, so not judging you, just pointing out. Your mum bitched a bit about you and you are now having a moan about her on a public forum maybe she'll stumble across this.

I know I can be particular but it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me
One day when you have teenagers or adult dc yourself it will be helpful to have addressed the being particular thing or hope your dc will be tolerant and easy going.

Show quote history

I absolutely love my parents, and I'm always there for them, which is part of the reason why it upset me.

And, my brother, well he bought a massive great big bag of ironing down for my mum to do...on Christmas Day! So, yeah maybe a bit sneery about the way my brother treats my mum like a servant as I know it upsets her, but she's also tolerated it over many years.

OP posts:
Livelaughlurgy · 25/02/2026 09:41

I'd say they were expecting "that's great dad, thanks a million" instead of your reaction which was the call was out of the blue and you'd have to get a tap because you havnt had a chance yet. And then your dad said don't worry I can get it- in problem solving mode. And you said no, I'd prefer to pick it, I'll have to cancel my plans tonight. That's what they meant by nothing ever good enough, they're solving your problem and you're still not grateful.

I think everyone's entitled to have a moan. Especially when it's private. How would your parents react to this thread?

Original poster
Nikki3009 · 25/02/2026 09:45

Owly11 · 25/02/2026 08:57

I think the scathing tone of voice must have been a shock. It perhaps does reveal a deep seated dislike of you and so is not the run of the mill moaning that we all do sometimes about each other. I could never imagine speaking about my children in a scathing tone. It sounds like your dad did not join in which is good. It sounds very hurtful and a shock - it seems you weren't aware your mum felt like this. But do remember that she is projecting on to you - this isn't about you so much as about her.

Thank you Owly you have hit the nail on the head. It just seemed so vitriolic, my Mum found her own mother very 'difficult', but the reality is she was a very kind lady who was on her own for a long time so she probably did put upon my Mum in her later years. I had no idea my Mum had this kind of negativity towards me, so yes, it was unpleasant to hear. At least my Dad was more measured - thank you x

OP posts:
Mangelwurzelfortea · 25/02/2026 09:48

Hmmmm depends. Your post is exactly like something my sister would say - and so would my parents - but in the last few years she's had loads of cash bailouts from them, a new kitchen, a kitchen extension, and a new patio, plus my mum cleans her house, does her garden and babysits for her. Nothing is ever good enough for my sister though who tells everyone else that she never has any help.

So if your post is completely honest, then YANBU. If in fact you're my sister, YABU.

Original poster
Nikki3009 · 25/02/2026 09:50

Franjipanl8r · 25/02/2026 00:06

I think the sad thing is you don’t feel able to call straight back and say “I heard that you cheeky sod”. Giving people the chance to explain themselves is always good.

I was at work and had to go into a meeting so the moment passed

OP posts:
Original poster
Nikki3009 · 25/02/2026 09:53

Tootandcomein · 25/02/2026 08:53

I think it's time to stand on your own two feet now OP and become fully independent. Next time you need help in the house - go and find a tradie yourself.

You all sound so fatigued of each other. Just create a little more space. Start being unavailable sometimes. and don't "people please"....

I hold my hands up to being a people pleaser! I know it probably doesn't sound like it from my post, but I'm incredibly independent generally and really hate asking for help!

OP posts:
diddl · 25/02/2026 10:01

They argue incessantly, as a lot of mature married couples do!

Nope!

Are they happy?

TonTonMacoute · 25/02/2026 10:05

Jeez, some of the over reactions on here. Haven't you ever been utterly exasperated by irritating habits of your loved ones?

Only you know OP, but maybe there is something to be learned from this about your own traits and behaviours.

Original poster
Nikki3009 · 25/02/2026 10:09

Nugg · 24/02/2026 21:08

As a long-term abused woman, I completely relate. I would have to tell my mum I heard it.

Sending you a big hug x

OP posts:
Original poster
Nikki3009 · 25/02/2026 10:19

Mangelwurzelfortea · 25/02/2026 09:48

Hmmmm depends. Your post is exactly like something my sister would say - and so would my parents - but in the last few years she's had loads of cash bailouts from them, a new kitchen, a kitchen extension, and a new patio, plus my mum cleans her house, does her garden and babysits for her. Nothing is ever good enough for my sister though who tells everyone else that she never has any help.

So if your post is completely honest, then YANBU. If in fact you're my sister, YABU.

Oh goodness, no - your sister sounds like my brother. He even bought a massive bag of ironing to my mum's on Christmas day!

Granted, my Dad has done some practical things for me around the house in the last couple of years, but he says he's been wanting to do things in my house for years (just wasn't able to because of ex-partner).

I would say I've actually been the one supporting and helping my Mum - and I am delighted I can finally do that (ex-partner didn't like my mum and made things quite difficult). So, yes, her reaction has shocked me a bit! I'm really easy going, I just want to choose my own things!

OP posts:
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