Overheard a conversation about myself - feeling sad

[Nikki3009]

This is a bit of a bizarre post, but I need a friendly ear!

I need a new tap for my kitchen, my dad has a mate who can fit it and I just needed to choose and buy it. Out of the blue my dad rang me at work and said I needed to choose a tap as his mate was free to do it the following day. It threw me because I wasn’t expecting it, and I said that I hadn’t had a chance to order anything. My dad said he’d just choose one for me but I said I’d prefer him not to do that.

I had plans this evening but I said I’d change them and go to B&q after work.

A few minutes after putting the phone down, my dad rang again, but it was a pocket dial. I then overheard my mum saying “for gods sakes, what’s wrong with her, nothing is ever good enough for her”. My Dad replied “well you know who she takes after”. And my mum said “yes, my bloody mum”. I obviously hung up at this point as I didn’t want to hear any more.

i know it’s not the worst thing to hear about yourself, but it was her tone of voice that has upset me. It was so scathing.

I am really supportive of my mum, I take her out, take her to hospital appointments, listen to her worries, she calls me her rock. I would not say a bad word about her. I feel so sad that she thinks that way about me. I’m on my own after a very difficult few years and I really thought she had my back.

My parents have helped me out a fair amount in the last few years (I literally had to start over with very little) and I’m really appreciative of it. But am I being unreasonable in wanting to choose something for my home?

The short conversation I heard made me sound like a spoiled brat, but I’m not at all materialistic, I just sometimes find it difficult choosing things because I don’t want to make a mistake. (Very common in abused women) .

its all been sorted now as I’ve got a tap ready for tomorrow but it’s left me feeling sad. It’s made me reflect on things and has me questioning myself.

i don’t think I am hard to please, I’m driving around in a very old car, my furniture is all secondhand, I haven’t had a holiday in 7 years, I’m certainly not extravagant or entitled!

I’m sure I’ll be ok once I’ve slept on it, but I really feel like saying something to her, but I’m just not sure it’s worth it.

thanks for listening (reading) xx

It’s really not that deep - people complain all the time about the people they love!

I am so sorry you overheard something which has hurt you. I think your mum‘s words may have been thoughtless and not meant so badly. People often say thoughtless things when they think no one is listening. I would go and see your mum and say you overheard it and that it hurts. If I was in your mum‘s position and had done something like that, I would really welcome the chance to explain it was a stupid and thoughtless remark that I don’t really mean. A chance to apologise and also not to make that mistake again. Please tell her that you did overhear this and it hurt you. I’m sure you will know from her reaction that it was stupid and unintended, just one of those things where you speak before thinking.

There are sooo many threads on here about how useless DCs are. My DH and I moan about our adult DC regularly, we still love them, luckily we haven’t butt called them (yet) half way through one of our rants about them. The OP overheard by accident a conversation and it would have been better if she hadn’t but I think she needs to take this less personally. I don’t think the conversation meant much.

How is leveraging a mistaken text message into an excuse for an ongoing family beef being "very confrontation averse"?

That's perfectly reasonable, I need a new tap and I know there's a few different types, and I wouldn't want my dad to choose for me. I would message them and tell them you overheard their conversation otherwise it'll play offer in your mind. Why shouldn't we tell people when they've upset us? Maybe they were stressed out and rushing about or similar and she'll have an explanation. If you just go quiet on them how do they know what wrong? Could you really act as though nothing has happened? I would be upset if I were you.

I’m so sorry you had to hear that. We do say less than friendly things about those close to us but that seems very harsh and unnecessary. I’d be stepping away if I didn’t feel comfortable talking to them about it. Your mums comments seem worse. I hope you’re ok.

I’d send your mum what you’ve told us - she’s being unfair and it’s normal to feel sad. Then talk it over with her and move on.

Family, friends, colleagues…everyone says off the cuff remarks about each other and there’s nothing deep to it, just surface level reactions to situations that is forgotten in seconds. I bet they don’t really feel that way deep down. It was probably a knee jerk reaction to a slight inconvenience or difference of opinion. Nothing more to it.

How is quietly pulling back from someone not confrontation averse? I didn't confront her about the message I just set better boundaries

Ps I wouldn’t let my mum, dad or husband choose my new tap!!

These things must have been hard to hear but people do make offhand comments sometimes, when they think they are private. I moan about my mum sometimes but I love her. I’d try and focus on the support they have given rather than this small thing. They do clearly love you, they are human and so are you. Maybe you came across badly on that call because they caught you off guard. That’s ok too.

I think it really depends, if you are paying mates rates it’s one thing to say thanks but I need another 24-48 hours, but if he has agreed to do it for free you should be working around him and have in what you need and it’s not unreasonable to cancel social plans when he is free. Without being harsh I’m sure you’ve been through shit but that’s not a reason people who weren’t involved should be doing you favours on your timescales: which I suspect is the reason they are moaning, not because they don’t love you, not because they don’t want to help but because they are going out of their way to help and you’re not accepting/accommodating the help in the way they expected.

You said you "really pulled back from her" over a mistaken text message. That is a confrontational act, you could have let it lie. Everybody has a whinge about their loved ones now and then.

I can completely understand why you feel the way you do about this. It’s probably nothing much more than one of those odd moments we all have, but to overhear it without warning cuts deep. I once overheard my mum say something similar about me to my dad and I was really upset, because like you I’d always been close to my mum. I never said anything, she died not long after and now I wish I’d brought it up with her as now I’ll never know whether it was something or nothing. If I had the chance again, I would mention that I’d overheard and ask what prompted it - not to make a big deal of it, but just to clear it up. Don’t know whether you feel you could do that with your mum (or your dad) so that it doesn’t fester away in the back of your mind for the foreseeable future….

Just call her out on it and then try to move on. Put it on her as to why she was like it and tell her it was rude etc.xx

They’re not speaking to strangers though. Not saying it’s right but it’s her Dad and Mum

I feel like your dad was half joking with your mum that you take after her, and she decided to counter it with deflecting to 'her bloody mum' rather than admit to him she is the usually difficult to please one.
This sounds like stuff thats said in my family all the time to each other but its never that deep and just sort of joking around.

Erm, I said it gave me a push to pull back from her. Not go scorched earth over one text. As I said in my first post she was always bothering me to have my children, I was being a bit of a wet lettuce about telling her no, her aggressive text about me gave me a push to allow her less access. All done in a very low key non-confrontational way, I didn't blow up at her or go NC so I'm not sure where you're getting confrontational from?

Exactly this. She's of a different generation. Do step back though and do less.

My parents have helped me out a fair amount in the last few years (I literally had to start over with very little)

By this, do you mean that they paid a significant portion of the deposit for your new home? If so, I think this will be what has them feeling like they have a say in how you do things pertaining to it (esp with their mates' help) and getting frustrated when you're not doing things the way they would. Doesn't mean you shouldn't feel hurt of course, but it might go some way towards explaining their vent.

Take this with a pinch of salt-it's a very typical conversation between parents and one mine have been heard to say to my face! We all muddled along but everyone is entitled to their own frustrations and opinions - even parents. Just search the amount of threads on here featuring situations whereby their DP offer no support whatsoever. Your dad was clearly trying to help you - typical man with short notice - and your mum rightly or wrongly was just having a moan. Could be a lot worse.

Bingo! :-)

I'm sorry that they said what they did OP.
To be fair you do not sound at all entitled or like a spoiled brat.
Are you certain they were referring to you?
Hugs x

I’m sorry, op. If it’s any comfort, I had similar occur (me, to dh, re one of my ds), when I thought I’d ended the call! Ds didn’t hang up, and let me know he could hear me. I ended up both explaining why I was so irritated, and apologising profusely. Felt awful afterwards about upsetting him. Sometimes we need to offload, even about the loves of our life, hopefully out of their hearing, and it really doesn’t go any deeper than a mild annoyance that you didn’t want to fit in with their plans, I’m sure. If it’s really niggling you, I would tell your Mum that you overheard what she said, to clear the air. Don’t let it fester.

"it's a very typical conversation between parents"

When they have contempt for their child, yes.

Generally, no, not normal to say.