Overheard a conversation about myself - feeling sad

[Nikki3009]

This is a bit of a bizarre post, but I need a friendly ear!

I need a new tap for my kitchen, my dad has a mate who can fit it and I just needed to choose and buy it. Out of the blue my dad rang me at work and said I needed to choose a tap as his mate was free to do it the following day. It threw me because I wasn’t expecting it, and I said that I hadn’t had a chance to order anything. My dad said he’d just choose one for me but I said I’d prefer him not to do that.

I had plans this evening but I said I’d change them and go to B&q after work.

A few minutes after putting the phone down, my dad rang again, but it was a pocket dial. I then overheard my mum saying “for gods sakes, what’s wrong with her, nothing is ever good enough for her”. My Dad replied “well you know who she takes after”. And my mum said “yes, my bloody mum”. I obviously hung up at this point as I didn’t want to hear any more.

i know it’s not the worst thing to hear about yourself, but it was her tone of voice that has upset me. It was so scathing.

I am really supportive of my mum, I take her out, take her to hospital appointments, listen to her worries, she calls me her rock. I would not say a bad word about her. I feel so sad that she thinks that way about me. I’m on my own after a very difficult few years and I really thought she had my back.

My parents have helped me out a fair amount in the last few years (I literally had to start over with very little) and I’m really appreciative of it. But am I being unreasonable in wanting to choose something for my home?

The short conversation I heard made me sound like a spoiled brat, but I’m not at all materialistic, I just sometimes find it difficult choosing things because I don’t want to make a mistake. (Very common in abused women) .

its all been sorted now as I’ve got a tap ready for tomorrow but it’s left me feeling sad. It’s made me reflect on things and has me questioning myself.

i don’t think I am hard to please, I’m driving around in a very old car, my furniture is all secondhand, I haven’t had a holiday in 7 years, I’m certainly not extravagant or entitled!

I’m sure I’ll be ok once I’ve slept on it, but I really feel like saying something to her, but I’m just not sure it’s worth it.

thanks for listening (reading) xx

Translation: that’s really awful I’d punish her by not helping and passive aggressively sulking for a while

OP, well done on rebuilding your life, but your parents response is like that said about a child, and in fairness, that is how you are acting. Maybe start to stand on your own feet more? Why did your dad need to sort a bloke out to fix a tap anyway? It’s a simple job, YouTube and 10 mins to do.

I get why you feel sad. Id feel the same.

I would make a comment to Dad, infront of Mom " Thanks for helping me with the tap Dad, I do appreciate everything you do for me, and I am gratefull. I do wonder if that is a trait I get from Grandmother? BTW you should really check that you lock your phone when you hang up on a call" and leave it at that.

I feel you OP. I understand it's normal to adore your kids and be exasperated by them at the same time but it still is upsetting to hear it.

My mum will never say a bad thing to my face, say everything I do is wonderful etc. But I have heard many times her saying snarky things about me to others. Nothing major, just normal stuff in a bit of a critical way. I get that she can't think I'm a perfect person, but the fact that she's not really real with me is what makes it hard to hear.

Shake it off and move on there is no need to tell them you heard the conversation. In any case you should have not heard it. If we all knew what is said behind our backs we would lose the will to live.

Of course YANBU.

I think your parents were irritated because they had asked a friend for a favour and due to whatever misunderstanding you weren’t ready when he was.

This probably made them feel awkward with their friend.

If we knew everything our parents said about us we’d be permanently offended and vice versa.

I wouldn’t cut yourself off. You’ve a lot on your plate and if you’ve all been mutually supportive I would let it go and be grateful for their help.

So your mum wasn't able to be around while your abusive ex was with you, and now she can she speaks with a nasty tone completely out of proportion to what was being asked?
Nasty, but says more about her than you.

No harm for you to see a bit of the real her perhaps.
Such anger and nastiness over something that didn't involve her is strange.
I think you got a snippet of the real her and your father too, who didn't engage.

I imagine there is far more to this.

You asked for help, help was offered, you've not bothered to do what you needed to do and are now being called out on it.

YANBU to want to choose your own tap or to be hurt by what you heard.

But....

Your mom and dad obviously love you a lot and they have been very supportive. They are entitled to have a moan, vent to each other and share their frustrations within their marriage - as long as they are not saying things like that about you to other people or being cruel to your face, I think you just need to chalk it up to them venting some frustrations.

I often get exasperated with my eldest daughter for a number of reasons and will often vent to DH about it. While I may raise some of the issues that annoy me with her, it wouldn't be done in the way that I speak to DH about it.

I probably do say some things about her that would sound horrid if overheard - but it is just venting in the heat of the moment, and often no really meant and I certainly wouldn't say them to anyone else.

I did accidentally send her a text meant for DH once having a moan about something and apologised profusely to her (and meant every word).

None of it means I love her any less, or that the help and support I provide to her is for show - I would literally do anything for her - but I am only human and we do annoy each other sometimes, so having DH to vent to means those frustrations don't fester and leak into our relationship.

I know she sometimes gets frustrated with me and I have overheard her venting to her BF about me. I was hurt - it's only natural - but I just mentioned to her that she may want to be a bit more discreet when on call to him because I could hear what they were both saying.

I would definitely mention to them that your dad pocket called you so they know you heard, but then it is a choice whether you tell them exactly what you heard or just leave it vague.

If you do tell them what you heard, just be prepared for your mom to explain why she feels that way sometimes.

I think the reasonableness or otherwise depends a bit on how long you had to pick a tap. If you had a couple of days and not done it then it is pretty unreasonable if your have a few months and not sorted it, when your Dad has asked his mate then that might be more reasonable

No. And this comment suggests you're a pretty unpleasant person who doesn't understand empathy or even the issue being raised here. Are you one of those who proudly declares you're the sort of person who "tells it like it is"? I wonder what other people say about you.

In any case, this is NOT what the situation is about. The upset the OP is experiencing is about hearing her parents say nasty things about her and her character. I've had it myself, (and no, it wasn't "fair" calling out, it was objectively untrue claims about my supposed motivations etc) and it's devastating and extremely hurtful when you realise. It'd be lovely not to care if someone who's meant to have your back says nasty things about you, but most people with empathy for others tend to be people who do care and are deeply hurt by it.

That's harsh. I read this more like parents were asked to do something to help, they organise but not in the way that perfectly matches what the op wanted. They even offered to get the part. I suspect OP will be finding her own plumber the next time this happens like the rest of us. My Dad would have told me google how to change the bloody tap myself.

OP said it was mentioned at the weekend, (Sunday?) and yesterday was Tuesday, so not a lot of time if you need to go somewhere to get a tap. DIY type places tend to be a bit out of the way.

It sounds painful but I wonder if there's some depth to it? I would suggest when you see them again telling them what you heard, asking what it was about and genuinely listening. It's possible that you've acted in a way that has led to them thinking this? I would take it as being glad to know and figure things out from there.

The problem here is that you're reliant on someone doing you a favour and presumably fitting it in when they can. You pay tradespeople for flexibility around your schedule, you pay mates rates but accept it's on their terms. Are you a planner/ generally a bit more 'rigid' than your parents? If so, then I can understand how your different approaches may jar. Even as parents/ children we can find the character traits of others in our family a little irritating and vent accordingly. My sister is disorganised, I've often vented to my husband about it. She's also my best friend.

What I'm trying to say is that yes, it's hurtful to hear this. But you also might be catastrophising due to being more vulnerable at the moment. I'd probably make them aware you'd heard the conversation and were hurt by it. They'll probably be mortified, explain that they were exaggerating due to frustration and apologise.

I think this is why sometimes the hive mind isn't helpful because people interpret something through the lens of their own experience and it is outside most people's experience to hear a mother be so vitriolic towards a child - something that can't be understood through the words alone.

Unless OP's mother has been bullying her this may well have been a private moment of frustration.

It's a huge storm in a tea cup.

But no doubt OP feels victimised and will go low contact.

Well then maybe your mum doesn't really have her own opinions and just says anything that she thinks people want to hear. Which actually might be more upsetting for you to realise your mum isn't who you thought she was, rather than just a momentary dickhead.

My mother said loudly to a neighbour she was chatting to at the gate when I arrived home from school on a bicycle in sweat pants one day - "Would you look at the size of the arse on her!".
Now that's mortifying.

Frustration is not the same as vitriol or contempt, which is what op describes hearing in her mother's voice.

Momentary frustration because they were trying to sort something out for you. Everyone has lapses like that, and it really doesn’t mean they love you any less!

Mine used to say things like that to my face. I dread to think what they said behind my back. Sorry you heard it.