Overheard a conversation about myself - feeling sad

[Nikki3009]

This is a bit of a bizarre post, but I need a friendly ear!

I need a new tap for my kitchen, my dad has a mate who can fit it and I just needed to choose and buy it. Out of the blue my dad rang me at work and said I needed to choose a tap as his mate was free to do it the following day. It threw me because I wasn’t expecting it, and I said that I hadn’t had a chance to order anything. My dad said he’d just choose one for me but I said I’d prefer him not to do that.

I had plans this evening but I said I’d change them and go to B&q after work.

A few minutes after putting the phone down, my dad rang again, but it was a pocket dial. I then overheard my mum saying “for gods sakes, what’s wrong with her, nothing is ever good enough for her”. My Dad replied “well you know who she takes after”. And my mum said “yes, my bloody mum”. I obviously hung up at this point as I didn’t want to hear any more.

i know it’s not the worst thing to hear about yourself, but it was her tone of voice that has upset me. It was so scathing.

I am really supportive of my mum, I take her out, take her to hospital appointments, listen to her worries, she calls me her rock. I would not say a bad word about her. I feel so sad that she thinks that way about me. I’m on my own after a very difficult few years and I really thought she had my back.

My parents have helped me out a fair amount in the last few years (I literally had to start over with very little) and I’m really appreciative of it. But am I being unreasonable in wanting to choose something for my home?

The short conversation I heard made me sound like a spoiled brat, but I’m not at all materialistic, I just sometimes find it difficult choosing things because I don’t want to make a mistake. (Very common in abused women) .

its all been sorted now as I’ve got a tap ready for tomorrow but it’s left me feeling sad. It’s made me reflect on things and has me questioning myself.

i don’t think I am hard to please, I’m driving around in a very old car, my furniture is all secondhand, I haven’t had a holiday in 7 years, I’m certainly not extravagant or entitled!

I’m sure I’ll be ok once I’ve slept on it, but I really feel like saying something to her, but I’m just not sure it’s worth it.

thanks for listening (reading) xx

Tbh it would annoy me. However it’s not really that bad tbh we all have moaning days. I’d just forget it tbh.

The people making out as if it makes the mother a bad person, or how yes they may have a moan but it's very very very occasional and they feel terrible for it - really??

Maybe I'm a moaner but surely parents (more of young kids) vent to each other all the time surely. 'argh x is driving me crazy today', 'why do we have to ask them 6 times', 'it's like taking to a brick wall', 'do we have the most stubborn child in the land'. You are just discreet about it.

I love my kids to the moon and back but they are noisy, messy, stubborn and frequently annoying. Also amazing and loving human beings. I vent. Other mums vent to me about their frustrations. I do the same.

Sort of things my parents probably say about me 😂
shake it off !

Rangan Chattergee had a great thing on this - he had a New Years resolution not to take offence. He said if you looked at a phrase in itself and if it's not integrally hurtful then it is just triggering something in us.

'Nothing is ever good enough for her' - is just the same as 'why cant she just decide' (or pretty close). You said you had difficulty making decisions - perhaps they were getting a little impatient. A kind of 'here we go again', eyeroll. Also if you arrange appointments, I bet she's compared you to her own mother. I'm sure there have been times when you've 'mothered' her over something. My FiL always said he could see so much of his mother in my SiL. Being 'like my mother' would never be an insult in their house. It could be a laugh or an expression you used but something reminds them of her.

Perhaps their friend gave them a window and they were very anxious to get this sorted for you - their hearts were in a great place.

I would want to pick my own tap. I don't think that is very odd. Having said that if I arrived in from work and my dad announced that he had replaced my broken tap with an old one he had in the shed, i probably wouldn't get round to replacing it ever for a while.

You have 2 great parents in your corner OP, Your mother did not use the best expression. I'd ask them - 'i heard you say I was like granny. How is that?' (Assuming she wasn't the worst gran ever)

I overheard my mum talking about me once and I can completely empathise with you. It was when I was about 18, very self conscious but masking behind a bubbly, confident facade.
She was enthusing about what a lovely girl my cousin was, to her then husband. She was absolutely gushing about her and my step-dad said, "Yeah but your Jen is a beautiful girl, too." I was so pleased until I heard her say, "Well, yes, but she's got a bit of a big nose."

I was absolutely mortified and I NEVER got over it. I never mentioned it to her and it ate away at my confidence for the rest of my life (still does). I think you should be braver than me and talk to your mum about it. Explain how much it hurt your feelings.

Don't just let it eat you from the inside out. Sending courage. ❤️ 💙 💜

Oh OP, no wonder you are feeling sad! That would make me feel really lonely and small.

Of course YANBU. Only you know (based on past experience) how things are likely to pan out if you raise it with her. Your question is “will it be worth it?” And again, only you know whether you can live with the consequences of not raising it, hearing it in your head when you see them, but never talking about it.

Maybe you are reading too much into this . Families moan about each other, it doesn’t ‘mean’ anything.

Personally I’d have hung up and rung them back on house phone and said ‘Oi tell
dad to hang up properly if he’s going to witter about me’

My parents would have laughed and maybe considered why I couldn’t have had the tap so quickly.

I’ve done it myself, ran my mouth of about people I care deeply about. It’s usually just a mad rant and no reflection at all on what I actually think or feel about them. Take it with a pinch of salt. If it were me I’d bring it up in a jovial way and make them squirm

I was thinking the same

our children are annoying at times and when we are pissed off we have a bit of a moan move on and back to supporting them again

I know it’s not nice to hear but if they are supportive and show you love then just take this as a little moment in time your mum was having a bit of a moan and nothing more

Please don’t justify yourself you have done absolutely nothing wrong, of course you want to choose your own tap! And why wouldn’t you, most people would, it’s your home!
sounds to me like your parents need to be in control (even when inappropriate, like now), and because you’ve said anything which isn’t in complete agreement with the course of action they have decided on you are being painted as difficult - and that’s wrong. This is their shortcoming, not yours!
my parents have been doing this to
me for 40 years! I know it so well and it’s so upsetting! But you must back yourself xx

I’d be getting the tap done first THEN giving them a piece of my mind. Gotta be practical!

I was just watching ANTM - Americas Next Top Model on Netflix and thought Tyra Banks nose was odd - too small for her face

Clearly she is beautiful but I googled it and she's had work done. I prefer the 'before'

Did you make a big deal about having to change your evening plans to go to B&Q? Reading between the lines it seems that’s a possibility. And your parents were doing you a big favour getting someone to do the job for you for free, and they offered you a solution with your dad getting you a tap instead, again another favour, and you could have specified the style if you wanted to. Sounds like you wound your parents up a bit and they reacted - six of one and half a dozen of the other and maybe helpful to reflect on that and move on

I think they were on about your indecisiveness rather than you as a person!

My mother does exactly the same. Her thought pattern is that it’s bad manners not to refute praise with elaborate self-deprecation, and because to her mind, her adult child is an aspect of her, praise for her adult child must also be batted away with ‘self’-criticism’. I won this big university scholarship that was in the local paper and one of the neighbours congratulated my mother and said she must be very proud. My mother’s reply? ‘Oh, @SupposedTo ’s just too lazy to get a job!’

It's perfectly reasonable to have an initial reaction to your plans changing. The previous comment rings very true too. My mum took years to get over me being my own person.

Yanbu to want to choose your own tap.

If you usually have a good relationship with your mum I’d try not to overthink it. I’m sure you’ve criticised your mum before, even if only to yourself. We all get annoyed by some things that other people do, even those family members and friends who are the ones we cherish most.

I don’t think this is a big deal, but I’m more resilient than most on here.

I think the sad thing is you don’t feel able to call straight back and say “I heard that you cheeky sod”. Giving people the chance to explain themselves is always good.

Everyone, including parents, get stressed and irritated. It’s fine, not unique and something to brush off (think: mum must be having a bad day).

If I had a pound for every complaint I made and people made on me, whether to my face or in secret, I would be a very rich woman.

This, OP, it's obviously not what they "really" think of you. It was a momentary vent that they didn't think you would hear. We have all done that in relation to people we really love and we would be terribly embarrassed and upset if they overheard and re-evaluated the whole relationship on that basis.

@Nikki3009 Tell her that you overheard, and how it made you feel. Explain about how your difficult history has had an impact on your careful, considered approach to things. Speak calmly and remember that you aren't 'defending' yourself or 'accusing' her, you are simply explaining the link, as you have done on this thread.

You are incredible and brilliant.

Honestly I think I would just take it as them not understanding that I have tastes and preferences in things that they maybe just take for granted. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from telling them I overheard them though; I’m a bit too open sometimes. I can be picky - having a vision for how to want your home to look and function is no bad thing! I’d wear it as a badge of honour if anything 😉 Try not to take it too seriously or like a character flaw, it’s really not. I think they were unreasonable for saying it for what it’s worth.

Agree.
I had this from my mum - said, many a time, in front of me, to my dad.
it hurt very deeply.
I also had abusive relationships , in early adulthood.
Looking back, I think, it’s almost like , she’s teaching you, that what you want, doesn’t matter ( it does , and choosing your own tap is perfectly acceptable, and shows high self esteem- heck I’m in the process of planning my ensuite, and will be choosing everything MYSELF. )
I know it’s hard, but your mum was nasty to say that….and I’d be stepping right back…. You have to learn to trust yourself (mother yourself, be your own rock. )
I wonder if these people get off on having you/me dependant on them to lift a flagging ego/self esteem?
I don’t know, but it’s not healthy….my mum died when I was late teens, so I can’t tell you how it played out ( well I transferred to my sister , who has not spoken to me for years , once my life took off and I became successful- and no longer reliant on her ti prop me up)

I have had a good moan about all three of my kids to my husband yet I adore each one of them