18 year old dd will not let me attend A-level parents' evening

[18yearoldhell]

Since starting sixth form, dd has become more teenagery than she ever was at 14 years old.
Rude, entitled, ungrateful and demand-avoidant. Was never any issues before and couldn't believe how we had sailed through her early teenage years.

Parents' evening email came round. She is year 13. The expectation is that the student books the appointments for the parent (there is no other option).

DD is point blank refusing to do so. Says she's 18, an adult and it is pointless.

AIBU to expect to go to her parents' evening? She thinks I am utterly ridiculous and 'no one' elses' parents will be going and most teachers aren't evening doing appointments (yeah right).

Interested how other parents would play this.

Also interested how other parents would play this.

I'd be ringing the school for advice op.

It's your job as her parent to support her and be there for those things. Can you be clear you just want to support her.

Is she performing well in school? How have her grades been? Do you have any other concerns about her behaviour? Have you been through her phone and computer? Any signs of new things without an explanation of where they came from or how she bought them? Do you know where she is in the evenings? New love interest in the scene?

The question really is what is she trying to hide from you?

Poor attendance? Is she actually going to class?
Poor grades?
Is she year 13 and about to to take A levels - is she not likely to achieve the grades that might have been expected?

You could call and ask to make a phone appointment with form tutor/pastoral care lead to check in with them.

I’d be telling her that if she is now an independent adult who does not require her parents involvement in her life then she can start paying rent and do her own cooking/washing/shopping etc. She can’t have it both ways!

Sounds like there might be more going on than parents evening.

I think if I'm honest I'd message school and ask how she's doing and if there are any concerns. Assuming she'll be sitting her exams soon anyway there's not a great deal you can do if she us steuggling etc. My problem would be that I wouldn't want her to think she'd won but sometimes you have to pick your battles. What are her hopes for September?

Her attendance dropped from 100% in the first w terms to 80% in the final term of year 12. She was given a formal attendance warning. Her grades dropped from.A*/A to a C grade. Her form teacher was very quickly loathed by dd as she had set a boundary around her attendance.

New love interest end of year 12 and new found freedom with a car etc. I know where she is during the evenings (either here, at bf or work). Her attitude towards me is just appalling.

I stupidly pay for her car insurance which is a real struggle. I will stop if she doesn't sort this out.

Plan for uni in September. I check her attendance on the app and it is good again since her warning

Do you have contact details for her tutors? You may find them on the college website or parent portal. Contact them directly and say you'd like a call as she won't engage with making appointments.

@18yearoldhell teacher here, last Yr 13 parents evening was fully booked. I have previously made appointments directly with parents where students won't make them. Yes they are 18, but as far as the school is concerned they are not adults - parental consent needed for trips etc. You could contact form tutor or head of sixth if you can't contact teachers directly.

Ring the form tutor or head of sixth form . FWIW my son is a teacher and teaches year 13 and all but one parent came to parents evening the week before half term . I know this because he phoned me on the way home and I always ask if anybody bothered to turn up .

Well it's a strange one as I went to uni at 17 and it would have been odd for my parents to have had any contact with the uni so I suppose in one sense she is right.

At my school all the parents attend the Y13 parents’ evening. It generally looks pretty poor if they don’t.

I attended all of DDs and DSs parent’s evenings in Y12 and Y13.

The fact she doesn’t want you to go so strongly suggests she is hiding something. I would contact the head of year.

Rude, entitled, ungrateful and demand-avoidant
Is it possible she's like that at school too so knows the teachers will tell you?

Contact the sixth form and either ask them to book appointments for you, or to contact the subject teachers to email you an update on how she is getting on.

Need to see if I can find their contact details. I have the form tutor's email

You need to stop doing this. It's a test case waiting to happen. You can require parental consent for trips if you want, because the student doesn't have to go and they are optional. But you can't discuss an adults behaviour or results if you have expressly been told not to. Just as you absolutely can't discuss their health care.
For the record DS was a shit and we weren't allowed to the final parents evening and no, although very apologetic the school wouldn't talk to us. A A A A.

Maybe give her the option. She either books the appointments or you will call and make your own appointments? It might focus her mind a bit.

Are you able to sit her down and explain that it is just because you are about her and want to help her with her best opportunities.

Well, I would expect that you should have a good idea of how things are going in terms of grades, attendance, concerns etc already. If you do have things that you want to discuss with the teacher, don’t wait for parents’ evening, just email or make an appointment at any time. And she might not be wrong that other parents aren’t going (not that that should have any bearing on whether you go). DD’s school gives the impression that they only expect to see parents of students who are struggling, and lots of parents don’t go. I tend to only book with certain teachers rather than all of them.

@18yearoldhell

When our son did A Levels, the school insisted that parents attended - there's no way they'd do a parents' meeting with just the student - what would be the point? They talk to them & give them feedback etc every day - it's the parents they need to update.

You need to get more involved - it sounds as though your daughter is taking the pi$$. I'd also be tackling her rude attitude & sure as hell wouldn't be paying for her car insurance if she's being a brat.

I did the same thing 10 years ago when I was in my last year of sixth form. I remember thinking parents’ evening was insulting because I was basically an adult and I chose to be there…so I just didn’t arrange it for my mum.

I started enjoying life a lot around that time (too much) and my grades slipped. I missed out on getting into a good uni because of it. It was a great time of freedom and fun. Looking back on it though, I put my eduction on the back burner and I put boys, drinking and socialising ahead of my life. I felt depressed at my uni a year later. Upon reflection l, I could have easily saved some of it for my 1st year of uni (where everyone seemed to just be getting started). An anecdote if ever your DD needs one!

@Notmymarmosets of course you can discuss someone’s behaviour. It’s not as if it’s a secret. If someone is messing around in class, the whole class know. It’s not remotely comparable to medical confidentiality.

OP I’d tell her that either she books you appointments, or you’ll arrange them yourself by emailing the school.

And I’d stop paying the car insurance.

This, in spades.

I would make it clear that I will withdraw funding car insurance etc if I am not kept in the loop on jet education

Agree with others. She’s either independent and pays rent and does all her domestic chores and pays for her own car - or she’s a dependent and is supported by you and you go to parents evening.

At 18, if she wants to be an adult, she learns to pay her own way. If she wants your support, financially or otherwise, she accepts that parents evening actually means parents are expected to attend.