18 year old dd will not let me attend A-level parents' evening

[18yearoldhell]

Since starting sixth form, dd has become more teenagery than she ever was at 14 years old.
Rude, entitled, ungrateful and demand-avoidant. Was never any issues before and couldn't believe how we had sailed through her early teenage years.

Parents' evening email came round. She is year 13. The expectation is that the student books the appointments for the parent (there is no other option).

DD is point blank refusing to do so. Says she's 18, an adult and it is pointless.

AIBU to expect to go to her parents' evening? She thinks I am utterly ridiculous and 'no one' elses' parents will be going and most teachers aren't evening doing appointments (yeah right).

Interested how other parents would play this.

https://ico.org.uk/for-the-public/schools/pupils-info/

This refers to the right of parents to access the educational records of pupils. No upper age limit is specified for pupils on this page - I don’t know if there is a limitation at 18 in the underlying legislation?

OP, rather than insisting you go, try telling DD that you want her to do well, but that she is an adult now. Explain that you have to assume she's struggling because otherwise she wouldn't feel as strongly about parents evening.
Point out that as her parent, even though she's an adult, you dont want to see her mess up, so you're going to stop paying toward the things that you believe are a distraction from her studies.

When she shows really bad attitude or rudeness, you can do the whole "you're leaving for uni very soon. I'm not going to treat you like a child. If any other adult sharing my home spoke to me like that, I wouldn't be helping them out with washing /meals/ cleaning /transport or money. I do it because I love you, and this is your home. But Im not a fool".
Or "If you speak to uni flatmates like that, they'll not be your flatmates for long. Just because this is your home and Im your mum, doesnt make it OK to speak to me like that".

She has a lot on - evening job, car, social life, boyfriend, studying - I imagine that the less immediate/appealing / urgent stuff isn't getting much thought (ie studying and homelife).

he is like. Good attendance until starting to see him, clearly not putting in the effort at school she used to as distracted as him.

She knows this is all going to come to a head at parents as teachers will tell parents things have gone down. She's worried they'll read her the riot act and put a stop on car/boyfriend etc

It refers to people with parental responsibility for the pupil but if pupils are over the age of 18 their parents obviously no longer have this.

Did you pay for the car? If so, unfortunately you need to take the keys off her and stop paying insurance until she shows you some respect. If she's an adult now she can pay herself!

I do hope it’s not this.

But it does look that way.

Going from A*/A grades to C grades is a big concern and has drastic consequences for the future. The fact she's gone from an academic superstar to this isn't great. She was on a good track and pathway. You don't want her to have regrets in the future of "if only I had studied harder in sixth form and put effort in I'd be doing better in life"

I used to workwith 18 year olds in uni and we werent allowed to talk to parents as students were adults. I strongly disagreed with this when students were really troubled as parents pick up the pieces when things go really bad.

We have always been extremely explicit with our children that our financial support for their studies comes with conditions attached, mostly that they work hard, keep us fully informed of progress and ask us for advice and support if they are struggling. I am always a bit surprised when families don't function that way tbh.

So you think Universities should break the law and risk being fined millions?

I find it interesting that most Y13 parents go to parent teacher night. DS1 is in Y12 and I'm thinking of leaving them to it!

It's been the same thing for the past 13 years - he's lovely but needs to work a bit harder if he wants to get better grades. Every single time. He's aware of the grades he needs to get into the course he wants and the teachers know what he wants to do and how best to support him. He emphatically does not want any help from us.

I think she says the law should be changed so the university can talk to parents. Who picks up the pieces when someone's life's in a rut? The university tutor or mum and dad?

I think you’ve got other issues going on that need addressing, you mentioned how she’s behaving etc. I’d let the parents’ evening thing go. I wouldn’t expect to go a parents evening for my 18 yr old dc. I don’t think they even have them at colleges do they? Which is where she’d be if her school didn’t have a 6th form. When I went to college at 16 my mum wasn’t involved in my education at all anymore, apart from a bit of encouragement when exams were coming up. I did way better there than I did at school with my parents hassling me after every “she has potential but doesn’t put the effort in, she doesn’t listen etc” negative comment after negative comment. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy. At that age a young person should understand the importance of their own education and be self-motivated enough to work hard to pass their A levels. If she’s not, you going to her parents evening isn’t going to help. It needs to come from within and she needs a supportive, trusting and positive home environment & relationship with you to do it. So I’d focus on providing that rather than persuading her that you need to go to her parents evening. It’ll just embarrass her and make things more difficult between you

So the age of majority should be changed back to 21? Not everyone's mum or dad picks up the pieces.

The law around the age of majority is unclear: students are not financially independent of their parents since parental income is assessed for the purposes of student loans. I believe that the law needs clarifying.

DD is Y13 at college and they still do a parents evening where we have to book a slot ourselves.

If you are struggling to pay the car insurance for her then stop. If she can't afford a car then she needs to suck it up. Lots of teenagers can't afford a car.

Also, discuss Uni with her. If you can't afford to fund her then make that clear from the start. I certainly wouldn't be funding her if she is cutting you off.

She wants to be an adult, let her adult on her own and deal with all the consequences that it brings.

I don’t go to my oldests parents evenings. He is 18. But, he’s transparent with me. I know what grades he’s getting and as he has unconditional offer for uni (common in Scotland with how highers work) I’m not concerned.
In your shoes, I’d be calling the school. If she wants to be an adult then she needs to act like one. Not communicating and being rude to you is not being an adult.

Of course they aren’t financially self sufficient while still at school. However I find it surprising that so many people are adamant that parents may not show any form of interest in their children’s sixth form education or they will be violating their rights.

People have very odd ideas IMO about the independence of teenagers. They remain the responsibility of their parents in every way.

I think this is part of the issue with a child turning 18 so early into the school year. She feels ready to be independent, she is legally an adult, yet still being babied.

Teenagers yes ,18 + not so much.

HRTFT but in my last 2 jobs in post-16, once the students have their 18th birthdays they have to be asked to sign a consent form for us to be allowed to speak to parents, and they have the right not to sign it.

As a parent, I would set it out to my daughter: if you want to be an adult then you can, but along with that comes responsibilities like paying rent and expenses (phone, car, food). If on the other hand you want those things to be paid for by your parents, the deal is that we remain involved with your education as well. So, that’s the choice. You can’t pick and choose the rights of adulthood without any of the responsibilities.

I know it's tricky but I would try to get to the bottom of why she doesn't want you there. Is it because she is embarrassed about grades or behaviour or is it something else. I know at that age I didn't want my mother involved in anything because she would take over and try to talk for me. Similarly my friends son tried to talk her out of not meeting a particular teacher where there had been a bit of a mess up with a grade, the teachers error and he said it wasn't a big deal and didn't want his mother (who could be hot headed and confrontational) involved. Obviously I don't know you OP but it might be worth considering that she doesn't want you involved because of how you might behave.

Legally parental responsibility ends except that parental income is assessed for student loan purposes and of course some parents also choose to fund their children's university education. The law is the law and highly imperfect - supportive intergenerational relationships are IMO incredibly important for life success.

I would offer some sympathy and acknowledge that it feels inappropriate to have you there when she's 18 but point out that this is the system you are both placed in - her as your dependent in order to finish her education and you considered to have some responsibility as a parent. I'd also add that you care very much about supporting this final bit of her launch. Therefore you will be talking to her teachers about her progress and would prefer to do it with her there and taking the lead in the conversation, as that seems more respectful, but the choice to be there is hers. Could you ask if there's anything she would prefer you not to do/say in the meeting?

I would also have a proper conversation with her about expectations for the remaining few months if you are to continue housing her for free and paying car insurance. You can use the parents evening as a prompt for making it clear that if she wants you to provide parental financial support, she respects your role as a parent.