18 year old dd will not let me attend A-level parents' evening

[18yearoldhell]

Since starting sixth form, dd has become more teenagery than she ever was at 14 years old.
Rude, entitled, ungrateful and demand-avoidant. Was never any issues before and couldn't believe how we had sailed through her early teenage years.

Parents' evening email came round. She is year 13. The expectation is that the student books the appointments for the parent (there is no other option).

DD is point blank refusing to do so. Says she's 18, an adult and it is pointless.

AIBU to expect to go to her parents' evening? She thinks I am utterly ridiculous and 'no one' elses' parents will be going and most teachers aren't evening doing appointments (yeah right).

Interested how other parents would play this.

Who bought the car?

If it was you, take the keys and stop paying the insurance.

Take away all the other privileges she's currently enjoying too.

Make it clear that you won't be contributing toward university either, unless she shows signs of respecting herself and you.

Call the school.

Ask for a work around wrt the scheduling. Explain the circumstances.

She's taking you for a mug.

OP is already getting £113 a month for her just existing unless they are fairly wealthy. I take it they will also give that up first?

The situation is not perfect, but making it worse and acting as immature really, in ways that make her education more damaged and at risk, seems like a silly way to go about fixing it.

Academic results aren't confidential information that are protected like NHS records. The school can decide on the rules, and adult children can accept or leave.
Even universities can decide to involve parents of they want to.

On this no I would not go, the other things to me a seperate if I want my child to act like an adult then me forcing myself to go to their school when they so no is not the right way to go about it

if I had other issues I would deal with that seperatley

Is she paying for her own university experience too?

Phone school

Is it legal for them to discuss an adult's performance with you against her wishes?

A university cant share private information, about anyone. Why would you think otherwise?

There are sections on some university websites making it clear in very plain and blunt terms they cannot release any information to anyone including parents without the students permission.

Limited contact can be made for medical emergencies where it is deemed to be required.

Most parents will be at the parent's evening. My son is Year 13 and they are not treated like adults in the sense that if they are not there for whatever reason, a parent is expected to report the reason why.
You have a right to be there, and I would email or call the sixth form, or individual teachers, and request an appointment (and tell them why).

Then why were the college calling me in over my 18 year old sons performance and wanting to discuss it - regularly
Granted at 18 when the college said they would ring my mum I said go for it what's she gonna do ground me? I live in my own flat. They couldn't ring her as I was an independent running my own life not reliant on her to keep me.

Your DD needs a sit down chat about behaviour and what is expected. Poor grades and attitude should not = full car expenses paid!

I can see that having a “parents evening” when you’re 18 could be a bit uncomfortable, and I too would have disliked being treated as a child.

However, the real issue is her general attitude and grades. I would give her a very clear warning re the car insurance if she doesn’t buck her ideas up immediately (make it quantifiable) and follow through if there’s no change. She may be an adult but she’s living off you at the moment so you have influence.

I think there is a simple way to understand this - for her and you.
Either she is your dependent - you pay for food, the car etc but you have parents eve and a respectful parent/child relationship OR she is independent - she pays fro EVERYTHING and does half the domestic work in the house or moves out.
Take the emotion away, make it a practical arrangement. Stick to it. If she won't book the appointments do not cook, clean or perform mum duties.
Keep it calm and simple. Make her take responsibility for her behaviour.

Oh dear. I think I would look for a mediation session to work out how to navigate her last year or years living at home rather than fighting to attend parents evening. She's legally allowed to exclude you from that, but its not legally or morally ok to do whatever she likes in your home or expect to have luxuries like car insurance paid for by you.

@nevernotmaybeit costs way more than £113 per month to keep a child fed, clothed, housed etc. Possibly DD's car insurance costs more than that! Receipt of child benefit doesn't oblige a parent to put up and shut up!

OP I would also contact head of sixth form and get some insight into how things are going with her A levels.

And I would most definitely link reward with behaviour - it's not a god given right to have a car at 18 and if she wants mum to pay the costs, then she ought to be behaving respectfully.

Because at college from age 16-18 they have enrolment and learning agreements when starting, and the student signs away privacy to allow the college to share information and invite parents along to meetings. At 6th form and college they also have higher safeguarding requirements for issues than a university has.

Technically a student at college can explicitly withdraw their consent to share information, and the parents would no longer be allowed to know basically anything except for safeguarding issues. It was only shared on the students consent to start with, not because the parent had a right to the information.

I’d ring the school, tell them what’s happening and make an appointment. If she’s adamant she’s an adult and doesn’t want you to go, tell her you’re being an adult in making the appointment yourself.

I don't agree at all with the comments that recommend that you respond by charging her rent/telling her that you won't support her at uni etc.

I would be concerned about the change in her behaviour and wanting to get to the bottom of that. I wouldn't insist on going to the parents' evening - I would tell her that I would respect her wishes but explain why I was worried about her, and emphasise that my only interest is to support her and that I wasn't tryingto control her in any way. I would acknowledge that she is an adult now and that her decisions are her own, but I want her to be happy and not have any regrets and I have a few concerns about the trajectory that she seems to be on, which might or might not be valid. I would remind her that I only get worried because I care about her and want the very best for her, and I would remind her that I'll always be there for her if she needs me. And see how she responds.

Basically, at this point, I think your focus needs to be on building trust and nurturing the relationship. She's an adult and you can't control her, but you can still influence her if the relationship is strong. At 18, she still needs guidance but she has to want to accept it.

This! Or are we missing a trick where it costs nothing for them to be fed, clothed, some where to live? Oh do tell @nevernotmaybe !

How did you afford to live independently while studying for A-levels? Just curious. I never heard of anyone doing that.

What on earth are you talking about? They mentioned demanding rent in response to learning issues. This requires work, and so just further damages and reduces studying, possibly ends up with a change to part time study instead considering they are already potentially struggling to keep up without it which, can you guess what happens . . . . . . removes that £113. Suddenly they need to pay £113 just to reach 0.

Are they happy to lose that £113 further increasing rend needed, and from that are they happy to cause much more damage to the current issue just to be emotional about it in a way that's more about ego than anything else?

Contact the school directly yourself and arrange to meet her subject teachers. No doubt she has history for behaving this way and the school are aware.

OP, I think there are more important issues than this parents' evening. It seems that your daughter has gone off the rails a little, which is really not good when she's in her last year of school. Could you reason with her? Sit her down and tell her that her A-Levels are really important for the future and that she will regret it later on if she doesn't do her best now. Tell her that she's letting herself down, and that Future Her will thank her for doing her best by herself now. Point out that it's not forever, just for the next few months, and then she can relax. And tell her that doing potential re-sits is not fun.

If you can, get her some extra tutoring to get her grades up if she needs it.

I would really address these over-arching issues instead of getting hung up on parents' evening and the car stuff. And even if you don't get to go to the parents' evening, I would let the school know that she's been awkward about it and have a chat over the phone with them about her.

I am thinking she will have her university offers. Do you know where she wants to go and the grades she needs to achieve- have you visited together? You mention her attendance but otherwise seem very disconnected. I would phone the school and ask to speak to her form tutor - get some information about potential results. You will then know if uni is an option or is she looking for a job. Its great she can drive/owns a car. I wouldn't take the positive things away. Why make new battles?

I think at some point she needs to hear the truth about being an adult, living costs etc. if her grades aren't good what will she do instead of uni? She may pull it together before exams but most courses have some course work. I'd want to find out how she is doing in general. Schools will have email addresses for pastoral care if nothing else.

This. Give her the option - you attend parents evening or you stop paying her car insurance. Her choice.