18 year old dd will not let me attend A-level parents' evening

[18yearoldhell]

Since starting sixth form, dd has become more teenagery than she ever was at 14 years old.
Rude, entitled, ungrateful and demand-avoidant. Was never any issues before and couldn't believe how we had sailed through her early teenage years.

Parents' evening email came round. She is year 13. The expectation is that the student books the appointments for the parent (there is no other option).

DD is point blank refusing to do so. Says she's 18, an adult and it is pointless.

AIBU to expect to go to her parents' evening? She thinks I am utterly ridiculous and 'no one' elses' parents will be going and most teachers aren't evening doing appointments (yeah right).

Interested how other parents would play this.

Surely the clue is in the name?
A school wouldn't organise a "parents' evening" if they didn't plan to let parents come to it.
And they emailed you to tell you about it - so why not just reply to that email and say that you want to?
If your 18yo wants to be an independent adult, fully responsible for herself, she can be. But that would entail her moving out of your house and organising her own life. The choice is there for her.

( I have very little sympathy. I left my parents' house when I was 17 and functioned as an independent adult)

Describing young people as 'teenagery' or attributing all behaviours to being a teenager is overlooking the underlying issue and to be honest - a little invalidating of their experiences. If she's hellbent on you not being there, there will be a reason. Maybe she's not performing well, maybe she's very anxious about performing well, maybe she's not attending class regularly, maybe she's disclosed things to the school she hasn't disclosed to you. In final year of school or sixth form a lot of young people feel immense pressure around next steps (it's so much worse than university pressure in my experience). Is she generally open about school and her achievements?

School can choose to have a policy that children nay only attend trips with parental consent

I think that's entirely different from data protection issues of sharing academic info against the wishes of a pupil, especially over 18

She is 18 so under Data Protection the school can't discuss her with you without her permission.

I also wonder what schools do if the student doesn't even live with the parents. Asking parents for medical details is also dodgy if the student is over 18.

Just bypass your daughter, contact the teachers directly, tell them she refuses to book an appt, but you'd be more than happy to attend or to FaceTime appt or make appts for a seperate appointment. A levels are like 4 teacher to see, so easily done. If she's acting like a child, bypass her completely and deal direct with the school.

If she had nothing to hide, she'd be telling you alls well, go if you want, but you know my grades are good.

Don't tell her you're going. Tell her the feedback you got from the meetings when you get back. Tell her whilst you are providing support for her to continue learning rather than get a full time job and move out, you are an equal partner in the support role whilst she studies. You are working with her on her results to ensure she can have the future she wants for herself ( presuming it's Uni next ?)

As well as talking be prepared to listen. Really listen to what she is saying. Is she struggling with the workload but doesn't know how to get help ? Is she realizing the subjects she's chosen are wrong and needs to change ? Has she right royally fu@$%ed up year one and needs to start again next year ? Or is there an issue in class with peers that moving to local college rather than school 6th form might fix?
She is hiding something and not wanting to deal with it. NOT adult approach to problems, bit she's barely an adult. Don't go in all guns blazing. She either works WITH you on this, or leaves once she's found a full time job and starts paying her way. She can always return to education later.

As others have said contact her head of year. Can you attend without her? She must be worried about something and isn't telling you. Its your last year talking to teachers as at university its all out of your hands.

It doesn't matter how she is acting. She is an adult by law and that means she has the same legal right to privacy as everyone else. If she doesn't consent to teachers giving details over her academic progress they can't give details.

Thanks everyone. So she didn't book me any appointments but I contacted the sixth form college and was sent a written report instead.
She is still on track to get 3 Cs (down from 3 A*s) but her mock performance was really bad (Ds).

I did turn up at the sixth form evening just to see how busy it was - it was packed, full of students with their parents, all engaging and excited about their futures 😑 Honestly I felt so upset.

She literally will not engage with me. She hates me. I truly do not understand it. I know this is the AIBU board so someone will tell me I must have done something but we have always had such an easy going relationship. No big arguments, we went to concerts together all the time until recently, had a brilliant relationship.

Nothing about me or our family or life has changed. She has just cut us out and seems to truly hate me. I even shared something on our family chat today and she sent a rolling eyes GIF. I said I love her and she did the 'thumbs up' emoji.

The only thing I have noticed is she has always been incredibly stubborn and can be a cold person (but never to me until now). She will cut people dead when she isn't interested anymore or if they annoy her. A few months ago I paid for her to have some therapy because she was anxious about being sick. The therapist also addressed her bunking off sixth form and told my daughter that sometimes a bit of tough love helps (as sixth form gave her a warning). My daughter then wouldn't do another session with her. Same with her form tutor - as she dished out the formal warning, she now refuses to go to form period.

Perhaps I have given her too much. Paid for her driving lessons, gave her a car..

Anyway, there is the update.

Thanks for the update OP. Good you got the written reports and know how she's doing. She seems to be doing really poorly and also acting like a massive brat.

You definitely need to give her tough love. Stop funding her expenses and her car. She's on a really bad pathway and is really hindering her chances at life. Stop funding her. And if she's gonna fail education and school, she needs to get a job, pay keep or if she's a horrendous brat, she needs to find her own place. Then she'll realise how lucky she was to have family that loved her and supported her.

Has she applied for uni @18yearoldhell

Have you met the boyfriend? What does he do?

Thank you both, really appreciate it.

Yes the bf stays round quite a bit. Nice lad, at the same sixth form but not particularly academic (and yep, his Mum went to parents' evening). He has looked suitably shocked a few times such as when my husband (DD dad) went to help her take her car for a new tyre, and she tried to make DH sit in the back and said 'my car, my rules'. The bf told her off and sat in the back and told my DH to sit in the front.

DD has applied to uni in a subject she loves but won't lead directly to any jobs. She needs AAB. The uni isn't far from us and last time she actually spoke to me she was planning to go to that one and live at home But she won't get the grades at this rate.

Part of me wonders if the counsellor she keeps seeing at school is being unhelpful

Does the lad at least make an effort at school? Even if he's not academic, does he make an effort to do his best in what he's doing? Does he respect his parents?

I feel I may have prematurely judged him.

Yes he does and he seems to respect his Mum (dad not so much as parents separated). I feel my dd has dumbed herself down academically for his benefit BUT that is on her, not him.
To be totally honest it is my DD that is the disrespectful one here, not him.

Okay. I misjudged him, thinking he was the cause of the school bunking. Guess it's on her.

She 'hates' you because you remind her she is failing and she's in a state of denial. There will be tears on results day and she will look to you to help bail her out of the mess she's in when she realises everyone else is going off and doing what they want. Especially if the bf is one of them and she's being left behind.

Good luck.

This is pretty high risk, in that she may not pull it back, but is she the sort of person who might freak out if she does poorly in her A levels? Maybe it would give her a kick up the backside and she can re-take them and work hard. How awful that she went from 3As to 3Cs. It suggests she is clever but doesn’t try hard enough and maybe doing worse than she expects will spur her into action? Lots of kids are pretty arrogant at that age and think they can pull it out of the bag. Maybe if she doesn’t she will realise she has to try harder?

Yes I think it has shocked her. She got all 9s in her GCSEs and without a huge amount of work. A Levels have shocked her that they're not as easy to coast.

The grade drop is mad. She is so clever and could literally do anything she wants.

I am so sad about how she has turned on us more than her grades though 😪

So telling the school.that she's refused you access to her data and asking them to break the law and give you the information.

Hmm sure that will work out well

They already have op written reports

I would suggest exploring a meeting with the school therapist. I’m biased here, but many of the therapists I’ve interacted with in a school or college context have had some very, very odd ideas that I doubt would be acceptable in a more mainstream therapy context. I hope times have changed, but if there’s been a sudden change in your daughter’s outlook and the only variable seems to be the therapist then it might be worth investigating.

Probably as the daughter doesn't know the law. She could make a complaint to the school over that

Just seen your uni plans update about living at home.

Why not make that a clear starting point in the conversation: When you go to uni, it’s a step to independence. You won’t live at home, you will be in halls of residence. It is fine for you to insist that she fully participates in uni life if that’s the choice she makes.

And if she doesn’t go to uni and gets a job, she pays rent (if you can afford it, you can save the rent as a lump sum towards a deposit or whatever)

Honestly it's beside the point. OP's daughter is on a really bad path. She'll probably wake up in August and realise what a mistake she's made bunking school and putting no effort in. All her friends will be off to bigger and better things and what will she be doing.....

It’s time for some tough love here OP. The fact that she feels comfortable enough to talk to her dad like that in front of her BF is outrageous. And your husband still went with her to sort the tyre? Absolutely not on. If she wants to piss about and be disrespectful she can do it on her own dime - not yours.