18 year old dd will not let me attend A-level parents' evening

[18yearoldhell]

Since starting sixth form, dd has become more teenagery than she ever was at 14 years old.
Rude, entitled, ungrateful and demand-avoidant. Was never any issues before and couldn't believe how we had sailed through her early teenage years.

Parents' evening email came round. She is year 13. The expectation is that the student books the appointments for the parent (there is no other option).

DD is point blank refusing to do so. Says she's 18, an adult and it is pointless.

AIBU to expect to go to her parents' evening? She thinks I am utterly ridiculous and 'no one' elses' parents will be going and most teachers aren't evening doing appointments (yeah right).

Interested how other parents would play this.

Hmm I think this is the sort of reason my DS moved onto college rather than school. At least the college treated them more like adults than school kids

As for 6th form INSISTED that parents went. Can't see how they'd enforce this.

I was living independently and attending evening classes at college at 17. Not sure how they'd enforce my parents to go there

The kids making appointments for the parents was usually from year 8 though. I always knew what lessons DD1 wasn't so hot in as I never had appointments with those teachers if she could help it lol

DS admitted to me in his early 20s that he avoided telling me of parents evening, when he was in 6th form - he knew his grades weren't too good. Now through Uni and in a decent career. She'll grow up-he left 6th form before upper 6th and went to college to study engineering, then onto Uni. Dd on other hand, thrived in all academic disciplines.

First option - consequence, eg no pocket money or car insurance as these are privileges which come as part of a give and take relationship. She’s not playing her part in the relationship by signing up for parents’ evening etc.
Second option if the first is not successful- contact the school directly, explain you want to make appointments as your daughter is refusing to do so.

Best way to handle this bratty behaviour is to charge her for all the costs you incur for housing her.

And also say if she's an independent adult, no need for you to do the student finance England thing

He could tell them not to. He's an adult.

I would be going on the basis she is behaving like a child. I would also go prepared to hear some hard truths. Assuming she doesn't want you to hear something!

My DD will be 18 for pretty much the whole of year 13. Zero chance I am not going.

If a fine was going to be issued for non attendance it would be to the parent though not the 18 yr old in this instance?

OP, I’ve had this from my ASD 16 year old and he’s probably going to do the same for A Level stage parents evening. He won’t book appointments etc. Anyway, I realise with him he’s panicking deep down about his poor attendance, performance, results etc - the pressure! Might it be the same for your DD? Yes she’s 18 and needs to grow up a bit but we live in an uncertain world with immense pressure from lots of places on our young people especially young women. It’s tough for them.

With my son I just get in touch with the year tutor and arrange to turn up on the evening. He’s always fine when I do go ultimately.

The mind boggles at so many posters saying parents can't be involved in their A level child's education.

What are schools/colleges going to do? Stay on top of any issues from kids with summer birthdays, at the same time as letting kids with winter birthdays fall by the wayside? Ridiculous. All students must get the same level of support. They are at the exact same stage in their education, whether 17 or 18.

No it isn't legal if she is over 18. As shown by some post above, many teachers on here schools often aren't aware of data protection.

If the student is over 18 they are not a child though!

As she is over 18, the school shouldn't discuss her performance with you if she doesn't want you to. You could try blackmail as suggested by posters above but that could backfire. I think it best to just try and persuade her.

With what thin air?

I'm sure I had this conversation with my ds , I just went anyway,up to her if she wants to join you or not.

Well she works so should be paying her own insurance for starters. I’d also be calling the school/college and asking to speak to the teachers directly because she’s refusing to book it. I appreciate at 18 they’re adults but I still think it’s crazy parents can’t book parents evening.

Ime colleges treat students like young adults and the onus ,is on the student tio engage with their education
If the student choises not to and drops out then so be it.

Exactly. Universities never phone parents unless the student has given permission so why do schools think it okay.

She is over 18. Insisting on speaking to the school when she has not given permission is no different to your husband insisting your workplace discusses your performance with him.

The second part would probably be a better motivator

You're missing my point.
The relationship with the college starts when they are minors, and will end very soon after they are technically adults. The nature of the 'contract' cannot change halfway through. And certainly not for some 'clients' and not for others.

But this is all academic. A parent's motive for wanting to know about their child's education is for the good of said child and said education. Why is 'confidentiality' so important here? Everybody else in the school knows how their peers are doing, it's not a secret, as a PP said.
.

Courts are public places anyone can turn up and sit in the viewing gallery, but court records are closed for 30 years

I agree that a test case will eventually be brought as talking about a student without their consent, once over the age of 18 is stepping on dodgy ground

Why is 'confidentiality' so important here?

because the OPs student daughter doesn't want the mother to go to parents evening. As they are over 18 confidentiality is part of the situation.

No "contract" has been signed. What are you talking about? Even if it had once the student is 18, everything changes and a contract would have to be signed by the student.

Yes, this is a stupid way of looking at it by age. I was 18 the first week of year 13 but my husband turned 18 nearly 2 months after A-Level exams finished.

I feel the same about changing children being in education or training from 16 to 18. When I was 16 you were supposed to sit GCSEs and finish school; they didn't just let the older kids in the year stop going on their birthday without getting involved.

Many care leavers are living independently I used to work for a large FE college that offered both A level and vocational courses and there were ar least 30+ care leavers every year