18 year old dd will not let me attend A-level parents' evening

[18yearoldhell]

Since starting sixth form, dd has become more teenagery than she ever was at 14 years old.
Rude, entitled, ungrateful and demand-avoidant. Was never any issues before and couldn't believe how we had sailed through her early teenage years.

Parents' evening email came round. She is year 13. The expectation is that the student books the appointments for the parent (there is no other option).

DD is point blank refusing to do so. Says she's 18, an adult and it is pointless.

AIBU to expect to go to her parents' evening? She thinks I am utterly ridiculous and 'no one' elses' parents will be going and most teachers aren't evening doing appointments (yeah right).

Interested how other parents would play this.

I'm so sorry for you, OP. She's so disrespectful to you and she must know that hurts.

Honestly, I'd be telling her that even if she does go to that university, she will have to get student accommodation. I'd have to see a real change in her before I'd want to live with her as an adult.

I doubt her boyfriend will put up with her for long. He sounds like a nice lad who can see that she can be very unpleasant at times.

There's a difference, too, if he's only capable of lower grades but works hard, and her achieving lower grades when she could have done better. He'll be the one with a good reference from school, not her.

Interesting that she thinks that to impress him she needs to be worse academically when presumably when they met she was doing well academically so the evidence would suggest he was more impressed by that. Also that he seems very much unimpressed by her disrespectful behaviour but she is continuing with that.

I think she is blaming you for sending her to the therapist and hearing some home truths. For now I would just do all you can to get her through her exams and have a conversation with her afterwards. Perhaps tell her that you are not prepared to put up with her rudeness if she wants you to help her with the car insurance. Remind her if she goes to uni people will not put up with being used.

They sent me her report, no question!

In that case she is extremely intelligent OP. Has she chosen particularly hard A levels and is that why she is struggling? My daughter is in year 12 and the leap is enormous from gcse to A levels. It involves such hard work and staying on top of everything. Still she should be more respectful

If he wanted to go I did though. That was the terms of entry.

You should have passed it to your ds to sign particularly if they wanted details of medical conditions. That is what I did once my dd were over 18.

Well done OP you are handling this well.
It looks as if you realise that the treatment you are getting is due to her personality- it just hasn't been directed to you before.
I think she is just a bit immature- she really can't take criticism of any kind. I think it likely that her shift against you hails fro her becoming sexually active and independent (facilitated by having a car) She feels she is adult now and doesn't need you- but her emotional life hasn't matured at the same rate as her physical life.
To be honest for her to have so little emotional intelligence and such a sense of entitlement does not bode well for the future- I would tell her you will not be supporting her life financially going forward unless her attitude improves, you are not the only older adult in her life that will find her attitude unacceptable- lecturers, interviewers and employers will all give a girl with no ability to take criticism or guidance short shrift.

And she could get them into trouble over it

I couldn't agree with this more. It's all very well quoting GDPR etc, but this is just setting the OP's daughter up to fail.

How has the school breaking GPDR rules going to help?

The parent mught be able to source alternative support for their child once they have a full picture of what is happening - tutoring, for example.

It seems like the daughter is set on a self destructive route right now.

Don't get me wrong, GDPR is a good thing, but it doesn't always mean that the person protected gets the help they need.

Sorry to say this but start acting like a parent. If she's rude to you, simply cancel the car insurance and start teaching her life lessons!!

She is an adult child about three months away from doing A level exams so a bit late to source tutors and given the grades have dropped because she isn't doing much work she is unlikely to engage anyway.

Sadly, I think you are right @Pikachu150

To achieve high GCSE grades with little effort often means that the young person doesn't know how to work, then they become unstuck when they can't do the same with A levels.

I feel diving into the minute of GDPR law is a waste of time. We have a DD who is incredibly disrespectful to her parents, puts no effort into school and is acting like a bloody madam. She'll get a rude awakening come August and she'll have to deal with that.

I sympathise op. My dd is very similar even down to the fact we used to go going to concerts together. it hurts me to see other teens happy for their parents to be involved in their lives when my dd now doesn't want me involved at in hers all. I do know dd is doing very well at college though so its not that shes trying to hide anything.
I cant offer any advice but just want you to know your not alone in having a dd like this.

People were only mentioning GPDR because some posters were telling OP that she could override her DDs wishes and speak to the school even if the Dd does not consent. Legally she can't.

Parent did and got what she needed.

She wanted her Dd to engage and get good a levels. Talking to the school without her Dds permission doesn't achieve that and could backfire. She didn't have the right to ask and the school shouldn't have given the results if they knew her dd didn't consent.

Yup, exactly this. OP has tried with her daughter, but she just doesn't want to know. Her grades have dropped terribly and A-levels start in May, which is less than three months away. She's not going to be able to pull it back now. She'll just have to go splat on her face, wave her boyfriend off to a fab new life at uni, and she'll be stuck doing retakes. Sometimes stubborn and immature young people need to learn their lesson. Sorry, OP. I know this must be very hard for you, but you can take a horse to water etc.

@18yearoldhell does she get any consequences for being so unpleasant? I don’t mean you have to go mad at her, but for example if she’s showing off about “my car my rules” and trying to humiliate her dad when he’s doing a nice, helpful thing- do you and her dad ever say “ok fine, if it’s your car and your rules you can pay for it, the insurance, the new tyres, everything. Crack on sweetheart.”

I mean, there’s being loving and supportive parents and then there’s setting up your kid to be an absolute brat with a sense of entitlement the size of Jupiter.

My dd has had moments of being really quite unpleasant in her reactions and eye rolling, and after a couple of incidents I’ve said to her I don’t like it, I find it hurtful, and i can’t be friendly or plan nice things for someone I have to walk on eggshells around. If she wants the lifts, the meals she likes, the nice things bought for her, she has to behave like a reasonable member of the household without stropping at the other members just for wishing her good morning.