To block this flaky Mum friend and ignore her from now on?

[RentalRut]

DS had his birthday party as softplay yesterday. It was a pay per head party with 20 guests, so not exactly cheap.

I've known this Mum friend since our children were babies. She had rsvp'd to say that her DS would love to join us at DS's party however they didn't show and there was no message or call to explain why. The Mum friend has always been a bit flaky and always complains that she's stressed juggling her kids and work etc. Her life seems a bit chaotic and she always acts like shes drowning. Fair enough, but not turning up to a party after saying you would and wasting a space that someone else could have had is just rude imo.

She's now messaged me this evening apologising and explaining that she completely forgot as she's had a busy week etc etc, the usual excuses. I've decided not to reply and just block her as I'm sick of the constant excuses and let downs.

Aibu to block her for this and ignore her from now on? She obviously thinks her time is more important than ours and I'm totally sick of it.

If she was intending to show up, she would have bought a gift? Did she offer to drop it round?

Hmm.
I have ADHD.
My life is busy- I have a demanding job and I hold that down but the rest of my life is forgotten appointments and constantly apologising.
Yeah- fuck her. She's probably doing it deliberately to piss you off.🙄

Don't do anything dramatic, just quietly cut her loose. I have no time for flakiness and regularly being late is just bloody rude.

I really think you are being rude OP. Blocking her and going to ignore her for a small mistake is overly dramatic. Yes its annoying but I haven't had one party for my DCs where someone hasn't turned up or cancelled at the last min. If its the same person, I would just not invite them to a paid per head party again but ignoring and blocking at drama starters! Why no go for the causal slow removing of interaction to avoid all of that. I'm crap at replying to messages (it takes me a week sometimes) but I admit I've never forgot a party or flaked on someone useless it was due to illness. I'd had to think someone is going to block me and ignore me for struggling to reply to messages.

She is struggling from your own explanation. She messaged to apologise afterwards. Juggling kids and work is hard no matter how organised you are. Its so easy to miss putting something in the calendar and then forgetting back it completely. I doubt she thinks her time is more important, she's just struggling to keep up.

I would be polite in those situations, rather than ignoring her. Being polite is the more low effort response. Ignoring someone if they try and speak to you potentially causes a scene and makes people around you feel awkward.

But it's fine to distance yourself if she's too much like hard work.

I think blocking her would be childish and dramatic. However there is nothing wrong with letting you know that you found it annoying that she didn’t show up and that it cost you £20 and meant that you missed the opportunity to invite someone in her child’s place.
I reply to the text saying that. I wouldn’t be rude, if fact I’d acknowledge the apology but I would
let her know that you are annoyed.

Blocking and ignoring her is such an overreaction.

‘Double booking’ is code for ‘I found something I’d rather do than see you. Now that is rude - different from forgetting because you’re so disorganised.

There's nothing petty about blocking, in my opinion. She knows what she's doing and who she's letting down - and you don't have to put up with it. I voted YANBU.

And of course life happens and people make mistakes. But to consistently flake on people is disrespectful in the extreme imo.

I forgot to take my son to a birthday party once. I remembered suddenly months later and felt awful. I was going through DFV at the time and my mind was a mess. I forgave myself but I still feel bad sometimes.

I must tell my brain that forgetting things is ‘unacceptable and disrespectful’ 😂

Unfortunately my brain doesn’t judge which things are more important than others- it just forgets a range of stuff.

Yes, I use reminders and calendars. Yes, it helps a great deal but doesn’t work 100% of the time.

And yes, I’d be concerned if a childminder or surgeon forgot an appointment I had made with them. I would expect people with my type of brain probably don’t do those kinds of jobs.

My forgetfulness has caused problems at work- twice in eight years I have forgotten to cover a colleague (despite reminders and calendars). Very embarrassing but luckily my job is not life and death and all was forgiven.

Well the OP wants her to do a better job of keeping track of the commitments she makes to other people, that’s part of OP’s point. It’s not that hard to put something in a calendar at the time you say yes to it. But OP’s post also reads as pretty sceptical of whether this Mum did actually forget, or just couldn’t be bothered to show up or message ahead of time (‘the usual excuses’).

Totally agree. I hate flaky mum "friends" - we're all busy and have stuff to do.
I'd move forward gracefully though as no doubt you'll be seeing her around and about.

I wouldn't bother blocking her, but I would stop engaging. Just don't reply and don't initiate communication. I'd also not invite her to anything again. You are not obligated. But there is no reason to block her. And if she asks why you haven't responded you can take a page out of her playbook and say, "Oh, I got busy and forgot!"

Blocking is a pretty immature response IMO. Just don’t reply and only do polite hellos when you see her. No need for it to become a drama.

I’d be annoyed too, but no shows to kids parties are sadly pretty common.

Blocking is quite a teenage way of dealing with minor offence tbh. Either just give her a thumbs up on the message/say "thanks for letting me know" and move on with your life, be polite but not friendly when you see her, or if you're desperate to send her a message consider doing it in a more adult way, using words.

She has apologised, let it go

There’s a lot of advice from people here who obviously aren’t wet blankets at all to tell her “no worries” and the like. Since there are so many such posts and they might be overwhelming, it might be helpful to summarise their advice into one post.

So you should message back “Oh no, please don’t worry about it at all. It is I who should be apologising to you. I am indeed deeply touched and beyond emotional that you took the time to message me at all - it is deeply appreciated.”

As she is struggling, you should as a bare minimum offer to arrange and pay for the next birthday party for her child. Ask her respectfully also if you may collect her children and drive them to any other parties or events / activities.

And apologise once more for the inconvenience caused.

Exactly.

Yes, it's like that pesky friend who relies on a wheelchair and who keeps refusing to come on ski trips. So entitled of her to spoil the fun.

From OP's description, it sounds like the friend is struggling. It doesn't mean that OP needs to run around after her, but there is no need to kick this friend while she's down.

In the last few weeks I have ‘double booked’ myself at work 3 times! And I have a work calendar (but I do have to constantly look between work and personal calendar and make sure stuff is in both. Luckily I could sort it and my employer is understanding.

Last time I checked, having a bit of empathy didn’t make someone a ‘wet blanket’.

Yes, it’s exactly like that. No difference at all between someone who can’t be bothered to turn up to invitations they have accepted because they’re not the ones who paid (nor bother to put them in their calendar) and someone who is physically disabled. Excellent analogy you’ve found there. Well done. I definitely don’t see any straw man fallacy there whatsoever.

Yep I’d be pointing out the party place cost me money. She will know, but she probably isn’t acknowledging it to herself that she’s fucked up.

There’s absolutely no proof this Mum is really actually “struggling” - “chaotic” can just mean disorganised, she might just not give a shit about people paying for parties.