To block this flaky Mum friend and ignore her from now on?

[RentalRut]

DS had his birthday party as softplay yesterday. It was a pay per head party with 20 guests, so not exactly cheap.

I've known this Mum friend since our children were babies. She had rsvp'd to say that her DS would love to join us at DS's party however they didn't show and there was no message or call to explain why. The Mum friend has always been a bit flaky and always complains that she's stressed juggling her kids and work etc. Her life seems a bit chaotic and she always acts like shes drowning. Fair enough, but not turning up to a party after saying you would and wasting a space that someone else could have had is just rude imo.

She's now messaged me this evening apologising and explaining that she completely forgot as she's had a busy week etc etc, the usual excuses. I've decided not to reply and just block her as I'm sick of the constant excuses and let downs.

Aibu to block her for this and ignore her from now on? She obviously thinks her time is more important than ours and I'm totally sick of it.

It's not a waste of money as the money is already paid whether or not people turn up. I feel sorry for the child missing it but if they got on with my DD I could never exclude them on the basis that their mum might forget. I'd prepare DD for them potentially not coming and would not make the mum.a good friend, but there's no need for blocking. It sounds like playground behaviour.

OP, can you imagine the minutes before she messaged you to apologise? That she might have had that awful heartsink moment when she realised she'd forgotton and the sick feeling she had when she texted you to apologise.
She might have had her head in her hands, wondering, " WHY have I done this, AGAIN?"

She was honest, she apologised. Don't block her, that's just cruel and making her feeling even more rubbish. And as for ignoring...I'm not sure i understand, would you be there, in stony silence at the next interactions, or pointedly turning away? Because, if so, that says more about you than she.

It's £20, not £200 and there are going to be more tricky situations to navigate as your children get older. Don't be that passive aggressive person, acting like this, blocking and ignoring, it reflects more about what YOU'RE like than what she is like. She might be flaky, but she is not malicious, and this " her time is more valuable than mine" attitude is trying to apply the "malicious" mindset, when all she did was forget.
I would just send a thumbs up, and distance yourself from any further meet-ups but be perfectly civil and polite in further communication. This could be you one day, and Im sure you would appreciate not being blocked and ignored by the offendee.

Blocking seems a bit over dramatic. I use it for nuisance callers, not flakey acquaintances.

I voted yanbu as yes I think you should move on and not engage with her anymore. But agree with others actually blocking is childish.

I mean, you can stew over it, block her and try to freeze her out but it sounds like your husband is gently offering you a preview of the reaction you can expect to that from the other adults around you.

Your DH is absolutely right. You can deal with the situation quietly and with grace. Rather than causing a huge palaver by blocking

we put it on the calendar once accepted, it’s not hard
**
I don’t find it hard but I accept that for some people it is.

I feel more sorry for her child who missed out on the party.

And no OP, I wouldn’t block her, ffs.

I completely agree with you. I am not someone who can handle flaky people either.

OP- I think blocking is a bit OTT but I wouldn't contact her or make any plans with her ever again in the future now you know she is unlikely to follow through.

I wouldn’t block her, as seething as you are, I’d try to give her a polite No worries 👍. She’s human, she’s forgot. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s annoying to you, but no point crying over spilt milk. If this isnt your first experience with her like this, I’d just distance myself. Quick hi! And bye! When I saw her but I don’t think there’s much reason to be rude or block

No, she probably actually forgot.

People have different brains. And some people who thrive on urgency and being busy are the most likely to just completely forget this kind of thing.

Blocking someone for that is an complete over reaction.

did you actually stop another child from coming to the party because it was at full capacity? probably not...

keep inviting her child, it's not their fault

Blocking her would be a mean cruel thing to do imo. She's apologised, your son still had 19 other kids to celebrate his birthday with. Get over it and gently step back from the friendship. That would be the grown up thing to do.

Agree with quietly distance.
I wouldn't flat out ignore her but it would be very minimal responses from me then id need to go stand someplace else. The drama is a waste of time

I had 2 under 2 (now 2 and 3) I work FT and had multiple surgeries last year.
I'm busy and at capacity.
I decline or turn up, I dont time waste people.

Flakes are flakes.
Pre kids I tolerated it.
Now I am very " there is no try, only do".

I’m chaotic. I have more than two children. Work part time. 2 of my children are coo coo crazy. But I have a village of friends on a WhatsApp group that put reminders in. Without these reminders I would miss party’s. She apologised. Imagine how guilty she feels that her child missed out. I get that you have lost out on money and another child could have taken the place. Just if you ever invite her child again. 1; Offer to pick up child on the day (not like you have enough going on) if children are best friends. 2; send a reminder.
this happens all the time yes it’s annoying but not worthy of a block.

Blocking is a bit OTT

Blocking is very juvenile but I do think completely forgetting a birthday party is pretty disrespectful. It shows she doesn't really give a shit about her kids or their friends. No matter how stressed or busy life is, birthdays are still big deals for children and I find it hard to see how any parent can simply forget, unless it simply wasn't important to them in first place.

It also means she didn't even bother getting presents or any sort of preparation because you can't forget a party if the gifts are on the table. Some parents are simply selfish and wholly absorbed in their own lives. As PP's have mentioned, the vast majority of families all have busy schedules juggling kids and work but still manage to reliably RSVP.

To all the people being sympathetic that this mum needs "help"...how would that even realistically work? It's certainly not the responsibility of another busy mum whose time and money she wasted to offer free childcare (or whatever) and bail her out of whatever chaotic life she chose for herself.

Did you send out a reminder? I know you shouldnt have to, but people i know accept that someone will likely forget, so the etiquette at our school is arrange the party then a few days before the host will message on whatsapp to say 'johnny is looking forward to seeing everyone at his party, here is a reminder of the details:'

Agree its poor form but not a blocking offence.

Shes a flake. She won't change. It's not the kids fault. Stop taking it so personally and just dont ever rely on this woman. It's annoying but sounds like she genuinely forgot. Its the kid that will suffer growing up with a parent that can't use a calendar properly, not fair to exclude him or put the kids in the middle of drama when you ignore her to her face, for the crime of being scatter-brained. I had a mother like this and we were constantly missing things (we turned up as the airport the day after our flights on multiple occasions), its bad enough for the kids, don't make it worse with unnecessary drama.

Blocking and ignoring her to her face would just be mean and is an overreaction, just back away and don't get involved.

This

She probably feels guilty enough for forgetting. I did this a few times and felt bloody awful, awful that I forgot, guilty that DH had missed a party.

I’m currently filling in my adhd assessment forms. I can get a reminder and if I don’t act upon it right then, or do nothing until the even starts I can forget.

I frequently come across open cupboards or started tasks around my house. I start some ringing, get distracted and completely forget I was doing something else.

My dc are older now, and I’ve got some coping mechanisms. So if I get a text/email I must reply immediately. If I get a reminder to “call vet” I must do it right that minute with phone in hand. This doesn’t work for everything though. The amount of times I’ve almost flooded the kitchen by leaving taps running!

I think some people here would be amazed at the level of things I can forget to do, even with reminders. It’s awful and I hate it, and I put huge amounts of energy into working against it.

When my dc were small and I was tired and stressed, it was much harder. I regularly went out and left my keys in the front door. Sometimes the front door wide open.

This. You can't know that she is constantly a flake and even if she is, she might be juggling elephants and walruses.

I totally forgot my works Christmas dinner out at a fancy restaurant that my boss had paid for in advance. I simply was dealing with far too much (partly as a result of said boss) and it had gone out of my head entirely as a result of it being low priority by comparison.

No way would I block this human.

One of my best friends is as flaky af. I adore her though. She has a head full of sawdust and cat hair and will never change. It's not a deal breaker though. People are all different.

Sorry OP, but blocking someonw, and planning to ignore someone if they try to engage at events, is worse behaviour than her's.
I'd behave as I always have but not make plans.
If she asks why not, communicate like an adult. Tell her it' annoying when she cancels last minute or forgets plans that are important to you.
Blocking and ignoring is behaviour to reserve for very unpleasant and abusive people IMO.

I agree. At least she phoned you and apologised.

My husband dropped my son at a party on a Sunday afternoon once, it was at some sort of play venue about three miles away.

Not long after he was dropped there, before husband got back, son rang me to say the party had been the day before. D'oh! He was duly collected.

That was down to me, I was the one who looked at the invitation.

I phoned the mum full of apologies but we ended up laughing about it - it happens, not a big deal in the scheme of things.

yeah actively planning to ignore someone to their face when they have apologised, is a bit mean girl OP.

and blocking is for stalkers and scammers, not for annoying acquaintances, why do you need to block this woman, it comes across as wanting to punish her.