To block this flaky Mum friend and ignore her from now on?

[RentalRut]

DS had his birthday party as softplay yesterday. It was a pay per head party with 20 guests, so not exactly cheap.

I've known this Mum friend since our children were babies. She had rsvp'd to say that her DS would love to join us at DS's party however they didn't show and there was no message or call to explain why. The Mum friend has always been a bit flaky and always complains that she's stressed juggling her kids and work etc. Her life seems a bit chaotic and she always acts like shes drowning. Fair enough, but not turning up to a party after saying you would and wasting a space that someone else could have had is just rude imo.

She's now messaged me this evening apologising and explaining that she completely forgot as she's had a busy week etc etc, the usual excuses. I've decided not to reply and just block her as I'm sick of the constant excuses and let downs.

Aibu to block her for this and ignore her from now on? She obviously thinks her time is more important than ours and I'm totally sick of it.

ADHD isn't always an excuse though because it's a huge spectrum and affects different aspects of life for different people. DH and I both have ADHD but we are militant about time management and appointments so we never forget important events. We have a joint calendar and I check it every evening and morning to see exactly what is planned for the same or upcoming days. DH sets alarms for absolutely everything whereas I have a habit of always wearing a watch and constantly looking at the time so I can stay on schedule.

In terms of parties, I always try to get a gift ASAP after receiving an invite and leave the wrapped present out as a visual reminder that we have an upcoming party. That combined with the calendar makes it very hard to just forget. If we got rid of all these strategies then we would almost certainly end up forgetting important things, but we put in the effort to create several safety nets so it doesn't happen.

Block her if it makes you feel better……not taking her calls and messages will give you more time to enhance your own perfection!

FFS, cut the woman some slack, she forgot about a kids party……no one died!

If you seriously cannot cope with her being ‘flakey’ then don’t encourage her but remember this…….we are all human beings, we all have busy lives, we all get stressed, we all lose focus occasionally but the majority of us get on with it by supporting one another! Try it yourself!

I mean, you have the function to set more than one reminder 🤷‍♀️. Yes, set one in the morning but also set one for an hour/30 mins/10 mins (you choose!) before the event.

Dont block but keep distance and never invite that poor child to a party again

Blocking is ott. Either just don't reply or send thumbs up

And I always used to send text reminders night before the party

You are right it isn’t. But I also spent years thinking I couldn’t be adhd because I was never late. In fact I’m always super early. Turns out that is one of my coping strategies as well as loads of reminders, calendars etc.

But at times like having small children (and was in an abusive marriage) and now in perimenopause, though strategies start to fail or not work as well.

Ive messed up work schedules recently as I have a Google calendar and a work one. And I have to work hard to make sure they match. One thing left off one as I’m in a hurry (booking an appointment at the end of a meeting and rushing to next one). And things go wrong.

And I never said it was an excuse. It’s a reason. I’ve never excused my behaviour and always apologised to people I’ve let down. Int his situation I would offer to pay.

Luckily my thing seems to be turning up early (like days!) rather than late 😂

I would just let it fizzle out and not reply. I cba with people like that either, the party is a red herring, the ongoing flakiness is the issue.

Some people can deal with flakiness, i’m not one of them and sounds like your not either. I wouldn’t block but i wouldn’t be making further plans that included her either

I wouldn't be friends with her. She won't change. My sister is like her and I can tell you she doesn't give a shit about the person she's inconvenienced.

However I wouldn't block and I wouldn't contribute to her child being left out. My mum was kind but flaky, lazy, probably negligent. I would imagine there were a few conversations between the adults about her. But other parents were always so good to me, welcomed me and looked after me. I am so grateful.

I’m not sure why you are taking this so personally, with “she obviously thinks her time is more important than hers”. Looks like she forgot which is a bit rubbish but not a personal slight against you. I’d just say no worries or a thumbs up and just not invite again if you’d prefer not. If I had been her and forgotten, I’d offer to pay for the place. She hasn’t done that which maybe for you means she goes into the people I know category as opposed to mum friends. Blocking someone seems a little childish to me. Yes, it might be annoying but I think you’re giving this too much headspace.

If she's flaky and disorganised, is she messaging you particularly often for it to be an issue? I just wouldn't invite her to paid activities where you stand to lose money if she's a no show. If your kids are friends, then just extend invites to free group activities where her absence isn't going to be an issue. I think blocking and ignoring is quite an aggressive move and not a great example to set to the kids.

Constant excuses and let downs? What sort of thing?

Sounds like she's struggling to cope. Not OK at all for her to mess you about like she did, but blocking is childish and an overreaction imo. I'd just take it with a pinch of salt if she says she's going to do things in future.

Blocking is a bit dramatic, it’s not like she’s harassing you where you would need to take that step to end contact. You would only be doing it to send a message! If you know she’s flaky just don’t put yourself in any situation where she could ‘let you down’ in future.

I think this is mean. I challenge all parents not to forget things. I have a calendar, I write lists but sometimes I forget. Especially when I have other things going on. Elderly parents, partner working away, full time job and side hustle, 2 kids. Etc etc

Have a bit of empathy. I'm sure you are imperfect in other ways. If you know she forgets stuff would it kill you to remind her. It's a child's birthday party, not the end of the world

Blocking is a bit pathetic, it's not like she's harassing you so you need to cut contact that way. She isn't thinking her time is more important than yours, she's not got the bandwidth to think about you to that extent and you don't need to think about her any more. Just withdraw and be minimal, which doesn't have to mean outright ignoring her. All of this will be a non-event in no time so don't feed it with any drama.

1. for some of us it IS hard.
2. it’s not an awful thing to say, it’s the truth.

I forgot a party once 6 years ago. Actually, I didn’t forget, I turned up to the soft play centre 24 hours late and was absolutely mortified when I realised my mistake. I still cringe now when I think about it. Mistakes do happen, only you can judge if it was genuine or not.

edited to add - I immediately drove to their house with the gift I was taking to the party and apologised profusely. I just had it in my head that it was on Sunday at 2 but it was Saturday 🤦🏻‍♀️

I am more than aware of that, trust me. But first I have to remember to do that.

And if I set too many reminders, I can't do anything, because I am always being interrupted by reminders.

Don’t block or obviously ignore her. Just say “no worries” and quietly withdraw from her. Stop inviting her to stuff. Make fewer arrangements with her, or none with just her/ that depend on her.

It’s a much better and less dramatic way.

Lots of people genuinely are drowning and it’s not always their fault. However you can protect yourself from the disappointment by just quietly pulling back.

Edit - I don’t think she needs a “lesson” or being blocked as that is very harsh. And if someone else finds out and asks you, it will sound a bit unhinged! As others said, it’s not like she’s been harassing your or similar.

Ok so I am normally on it as a mum, but I have totally forgotten one birthday party and got the time wrong for at least 2 (3 kids close in age to put it in context). In both cases things in other areas of my life were going a bit wrong- family member died, brother ill, stressful house move. But it does happen to most people at some point. I was completely mortified!

If she’s generally flaky I agree with a slow fade and on the surface politeness rather than blocking her.

I wouldn't block her and ignore her if she tries speaking to you, she's not done anything that would warrant that. However as this isn't the first time and is a pattern of behaviour I would take a step back from the friendship, stop inviting her and stop making effort unless reciprocated but just be polite if she speaks to you, you don't have to have a full blown conversation with her and be all chatty and pally but don't ignore her either it's really rude and should only be reserved for those who have earned it.

She organises her life poorly, and it’s very irritating, but if I liked her as a friend I wouldn't block her. She could have made up a better-sounding excuse for missing the party but was honest. I’d be annoyed, but not enough to actually block her - I’d probably just be a bit cool the next time I saw her.

I forgot to take my dd to a party as we had two bereavements in a short space of time and everything went chaotic. I bought the birthday boy a lovely gift and apologised profusely.
see how she acts now, if she buys a gift and is extremely sorry just put it down to bad timing. If she acts without care, she is clearly not sorry and I would just move on.

Hate blocking however just keep it polite but wouldnt make plans again with her.