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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we are in a relationship?

440 replies

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:20

We are in our late 30s. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers. We had several casual flings with each other throughout our 20s. About six years ago we started seeing each other more often, but he didn’t want a relationship.

Five years ago I met someone else, and given the stance of not wanting a relationship, I went out with him and ended up in a relationship with him. I gave the first man every opportunity to stop it but he didn’t. Anyway, we broke up after a few months and the first man and I ended up back in touch. I made it clear at this point that I was only interested in being back in touch if we weren’t going to be seeing anyone else, which he agreed to.

Since then we’ve become closer and closer. I trust that he’s not, and is not interested in, seeing anyone else. He's supportive and caring (which it’s fair to say he wasn’t in our 20s). He’s thoughtful and kind. We go on holiday together and exchange Christmas and birthday presents. I have started to refer to him as my boyfriend, which he knows about and doesn’t seem bothered about.

He woukd still say we’re not in a relationship. I can’t see how this isn’t a relationship?

OP posts:
HappyTalkingAndLaughing · 22/02/2026 18:22

He sees you as a fuckbuddy or FWB.... but not a lifelong partner.

BauhausOfEliott · 22/02/2026 18:24

He wants to fuck other people. He just sees you as a FWB.

BuffetTheDietSlayer · 22/02/2026 18:24

Oh dear. You’re an easy shag for him, that’s all.

Raise your standards.

TheMorgenmuffel · 22/02/2026 18:29

You're in what i think is called a situationship.

He is very clear with you.

You could ask him what in his mind constitutes a relationship.

I expect he'll talk about being faithful, living together, sharing money, building a life together etc.

Whereas you are two people to hang out, keep each other company and fuck.

No commitment, no promises.

A stopgap.

Brightbluesomething · 22/02/2026 18:30

If you have to ask, you’re not. He’s getting what he wants out of this but are you?

FuzzyWolf · 22/02/2026 18:31

I don’t think you are in a relationship. Have some self respect and talk to him. Find out what he thinks and feels, and end things if it’s not what you are happy with.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/02/2026 18:32

Why are you so desperate to be with this guy who doesn’t want you? You no he doesn’t want a relationship with you, but you are easy sex and companionship. Find someone who respects you and wants to be with you

CinnamonBuns67 · 22/02/2026 18:34

As others have said OP, it would seem he is wanting a FWB/situationship. If you really want to know where you stand, ask him how he views what is going on between you. You'll get your answer one way or the other, if you are not happy with the situation and being just FWB instead of relationship/commited long term partner then you need to change your situation by walking away from it.

TheBlueKoala · 22/02/2026 18:36

You are a dear friend with benefits while he's waiting to find his future wife. Please do not waste your time!

DinoLil · 22/02/2026 18:36

He's just hedging his bets. You are worth more.

TwistedWonder · 22/02/2026 18:38

Have to concur with other PP. He’s not interested in a LTR with you. He knows you want more do it suits him to keep you as his FWB while there’s no one else on offer. The fact he didn’t fight for you when the other man was on the scene tells you how bothered he is.

You’re convenient for sex and company - nothing deeper. He knows you’re obsessed with him and so it’s zero effort for him.

You’ve wasted enough years waiting for something that’s never gonna happen

Nimblethimble · 22/02/2026 18:40

Never assume, op...

cinnamongirl123 · 22/02/2026 18:40

Jesus OP you’re in your LATE 30s, wasting your time with someone you’ve known since you were a teenager and shagged throughout your 20s, asking us if you’re in a relationship or not?

In the gentlest way OP:
-No, you’re not in a relationship if one of the parties doesn’t want to be in a relationship. You’re in something, but it’s not a relationship, it’s friends with benefits, no strings attached.
-You’re late 30s OP - raise your standards, have some self-respect, stop running after this guy who doesn’t care about you in the way you want him to. Learn to be happy alone. That way you’ll be open and available for someone else to enter your life. But please please please raise your standards, because they are pretty much gutter-level at the moment.

TittyGajillions · 22/02/2026 18:42

He'd drop you like a hot brick if someone better came along!

IfThen · 22/02/2026 18:43

Being in a relationship isn’t a unilateral decision, OP. Both people need to want it. One of you doesn’t in this case, and the other is deluded.

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:45

BauhausOfEliott · 22/02/2026 18:24

He wants to fuck other people. He just sees you as a FWB.

He hasn’t slept with anyone else for years, and isn’t going to. I am absolutely sure that he is being faithful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:45

TheMorgenmuffel · 22/02/2026 18:29

You're in what i think is called a situationship.

He is very clear with you.

You could ask him what in his mind constitutes a relationship.

I expect he'll talk about being faithful, living together, sharing money, building a life together etc.

Whereas you are two people to hang out, keep each other company and fuck.

No commitment, no promises.

A stopgap.

Promises of what?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:47

BuffetTheDietSlayer · 22/02/2026 18:24

Oh dear. You’re an easy shag for him, that’s all.

Raise your standards.

He’s a man I trust is being faithful, who’s supportive and caring and thoughtful, who I love spending time with, enjoy having sex with, and he makes me very happy. Which standard should I raise?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:47

FuzzyWolf · 22/02/2026 18:31

I don’t think you are in a relationship. Have some self respect and talk to him. Find out what he thinks and feels, and end things if it’s not what you are happy with.

How am I lacking self respect? I am very happy.

OP posts:
IfThen · 22/02/2026 18:48

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:47

He’s a man I trust is being faithful, who’s supportive and caring and thoughtful, who I love spending time with, enjoy having sex with, and he makes me very happy. Which standard should I raise?

Show quote history

If that’s all you want, why are you posting?

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:48

CinnamonBuns67 · 22/02/2026 18:34

As others have said OP, it would seem he is wanting a FWB/situationship. If you really want to know where you stand, ask him how he views what is going on between you. You'll get your answer one way or the other, if you are not happy with the situation and being just FWB instead of relationship/commited long term partner then you need to change your situation by walking away from it.

Friends with benefits aren’t faithful to each other.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 22/02/2026 18:49

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:48

Friends with benefits aren’t faithful to each other.

Show quote history

Exclusive ones are

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:50

TwistedWonder · 22/02/2026 18:38

Have to concur with other PP. He’s not interested in a LTR with you. He knows you want more do it suits him to keep you as his FWB while there’s no one else on offer. The fact he didn’t fight for you when the other man was on the scene tells you how bothered he is.

You’re convenient for sex and company - nothing deeper. He knows you’re obsessed with him and so it’s zero effort for him.

You’ve wasted enough years waiting for something that’s never gonna happen

Edited

I am not obsessed with him, and he wouldn't think I am.

OP posts:
Thatsalineallright · 22/02/2026 18:50

Honestly OP, this man will drop you like a hot potato as soon as someone 'better' (i.e. younger) comes along. He won't promise anything long term or permanent. He does not want to grow old with you or build a life with you.

To be fair to him it sounds like he's been very clear about that. It's up to you if you want to be with him knowing that he doesn't love you. It's your decision to make.

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:50

cinnamongirl123 · 22/02/2026 18:40

Jesus OP you’re in your LATE 30s, wasting your time with someone you’ve known since you were a teenager and shagged throughout your 20s, asking us if you’re in a relationship or not?

In the gentlest way OP:
-No, you’re not in a relationship if one of the parties doesn’t want to be in a relationship. You’re in something, but it’s not a relationship, it’s friends with benefits, no strings attached.
-You’re late 30s OP - raise your standards, have some self-respect, stop running after this guy who doesn’t care about you in the way you want him to. Learn to be happy alone. That way you’ll be open and available for someone else to enter your life. But please please please raise your standards, because they are pretty much gutter-level at the moment.

There very much are strings attached though.

OP posts: