To think we are in a relationship?

[Beingabout]

We are in our late 30s. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers. We had several casual flings with each other throughout our 20s. About six years ago we started seeing each other more often, but he didn’t want a relationship.

Five years ago I met someone else, and given the stance of not wanting a relationship, I went out with him and ended up in a relationship with him. I gave the first man every opportunity to stop it but he didn’t. Anyway, we broke up after a few months and the first man and I ended up back in touch. I made it clear at this point that I was only interested in being back in touch if we weren’t going to be seeing anyone else, which he agreed to.

Since then we’ve become closer and closer. I trust that he’s not, and is not interested in, seeing anyone else. He's supportive and caring (which it’s fair to say he wasn’t in our 20s). He’s thoughtful and kind. We go on holiday together and exchange Christmas and birthday presents. I have started to refer to him as my boyfriend, which he knows about and doesn’t seem bothered about.

He woukd still say we’re not in a relationship. I can’t see how this isn’t a relationship?

I mean - it seems like he doesn’t see you as his girlfriend and for his family they’re polite and thoughtful and would ring you. But it seems - based on the fact a bit that my in laws would never have said “he’s seeing someone” about me - they would have been very emphatic from meeting them and they’re quite annoying - it seems you’re his current squeeze.

nothing wrong with that either - unless you want to be his girlfriend. I mean if he says you aren’t, you aren’t. If he can’t answer the question he should just say “of course you are” but it seems he doesn’t. At least he’s honest. But I have had people pre marriage that I liked in different sorts of ways but they were never a boyfriend. 2 and a half years with one delightful lover but jayzuz. So NOT a boyfriend. Met my parents, kept me company whe I was quite bored hit not the rollicking love of my life. I even took the poor guy to weddings but he did know the score. I told him! Lovely chap. Not to be seen on the other pillow next to me on my deathbed though. Even if I were single.

Bin him

I’m not sure what you want me to say if you both think there should be strings attached then go on to say that those strings are worthless.

It sounds like there is something about being in a relationship that scares him. He's happy with what he has, but sees a relationship as the next level. Most people in a relationship in their 30s would be thinking about living together after a few years, and that doesn't sound like what you want. It makes me think of a few older couples I've known/heard of who start a relationship later in life, and sometimes get married, but each retain their separate homes.

In some ways it's not dissimilar to some people's rationale for not wanting to get married. They are happy to make lifelong plans, buy a house together, have kids etc but the idea of marriage is a step too far. (Not saying this applies to everyone who doesn't get married, many people have other reasons).

It's a bit unconventional and doesn't completely make sense, but it sounds to me like you have a relationship, but maybe one that isn't going to progress to the next stage of living together. If you are ok with things then so be it. (Although the logic of it would drive me mad personally!)

It’s not that they’re worthless , but not enough at the same time for him it seems .
Yes you guys are great friends , Yes you spend lots of time together , Yes sex is great .
Yet he does not call you his gf OP .

I mean, this was a guess about what his parents, one of whom isn’t even alive, would say, so I’m not sure there’s any ‘there you go’ that can be gleaned from it.

I know a couple like this. They’re not ‘in a relationship’ despite doing things together, holidays etc, and having sex. He refers to her as his ‘lady friend’

Sorry if I’ve missed this Op - do you want to get married/ have children in the future?

This is the real question I would be concerned with. I'd also want to know if he wanted a "relationship" at some point in his life, or considered himself to have had one in the past. What does he think would be different about your current situation for it to be considered a relationship?

I think there's generally too much concern with labels, what counts is actions and behaviour, not promises which can be broken and labels that can be dissolved at any time. But it's interesting that he takes it to an extreme resistance of labels.

Would you want the same things for the future, eg children/none, living together/not, spending holidays and significant events together/not. That's another question.

Just keep it casual. It’s either a relationship or it isn’t. If it meets your needs then carry on. If it doesn’t then don’t. You don’t need a label but you do need to be on the same page.

If you have to ask anonymous people on MN if you are in a relationship, you already know the answer is no you're not.

Don't get pregnant or you may find yourself a single mother.

It sounds like it’s his way of saying he doesn’t want to make commitments. You know he doesn’t want marriage and kids, you seem to be in agreement. You’re neither of you bothered about living together.

I think he’s saying that if things changed for him he’s not committed to maintaining the current level of connection that you have. For example, if he got a job offer in another city he’d feel free to decide independently what to do in his own best interests. That’s not to say he wouldn’t miss you in that scenario, but he also wouldn’t feel that he should involve you in the decision or expect that you’d move with him. And if you did want to move with him, it would be entirely up to you to manage that transition for yourself.

The thing is though, I absolutely don’t doubt that he wants me.

Girl. That means nothing. Men will bang a corpse.

He may enjoy having sex with you.

You have a casual thing going. That's it.

But he doesn't want to blend his life with you. He's not proud to show you off to family and friends. You're there as late ng as he wants you there.

If that's all you want, you're good. But chances are he's going to meet a woman at some point that he is not casual about and that will be the end of your casual situation. Or maybe you'll meet someone who can give you more than this guy because this thing, it's superficial. It's convenient and that's what friends with benefits is, convenient.

OP what do you want out of this thread?

You asked a question about whether you are in a relationship. Literally every poster has said you are not. The more you’ve replied and described your situation the more posters have said “no”.

You appear to believe you are in a relationship. It is what you clearly wish to believe and possibly genuinely have convinced yourself.

Fine. The entire thread disagrees with you.

What do you want exactly?

Is it that you want people on the Internet to tell you it is a relationship and it doesnt matter that he says he absolutely does not consider himself in a relationship with you?

Yes I was wondering that too. Also many posters have made the very salient point that when someone is head over heels for you, they cannot wait to 'put a label on it' - it's certainly been my experience in past relationships. The more the OP protests about how happy they are the more hollow it all sounds. Like a half life if that makes sense?

I have a friend. He's 73. We met when he was in his late 50s.

When I met him, he had a 'lady friend'. They'd been 'together' for around 6 years. 6 years of being each other's companion, sexual partner, the person the other went on holiday with, to the theatre and gigs with, always each other's plus 1 etc

He spoke kindly of her but never fondly. There was no passion or love but they also ticked along nicely... she wasn't his girlfriend amd he didn't consider them to be in a relationship other than one of convenience.

We talked about it one day and I asked him if he was happy. He basically said he'd made peace with the fact he was probably never going to feel 'love' or a 'spark' again or whatever and it was nice to have the company and not feel lonely. They didn't argue, and it was comfortable. I asked if she felt the same. He said he didn't know - they never discussed the relationship they werent in! But he suspected that she wanted more - a proper relationship where they could.plan their retirements and to grow old together.

I told him I didn't think he was being fair to her. She was basically in your shoes.

Anyway, he ended it following that conversation. I felt a bit guilty about that! But, it gave her the chance to meet someome who did love her amd want a relationship with her. And he went on to fall in love and remarry.

If he does not think you are in a relationship, you are not in a relationship regardless of how much you convince yourself otherwise.

Don't fool yourself that he must have feelings for you if he is having sex with you.

I don’t want kids. I’d be open to marriage but I don’t actively want to get married.

We are on the same page for the future. We don’t want kids, we’re both happy in our own houses.

He would say he doesn’t want a relationship ever. He was in one years ago and he finished it because he didn’t want to be in a relationship.

I will not find myself a single mother.

Show me off? I am not a show dog.

I know his family and friends and have done for 20 years.

We are not friends with benefits.

He does not like the idea of a relationship, not a relationship with me, regardless of what people who do not know him say.

It’s a chat forum. I’m just chatting about it.

What is the half that I am missing?

There is both passion and love between us so this is not the same at all.

I'm sorry but you are really deluded.

You can't see it for what it is because you don't want to.