To think we are in a relationship?

[Beingabout]

We are in our late 30s. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers. We had several casual flings with each other throughout our 20s. About six years ago we started seeing each other more often, but he didn’t want a relationship.

Five years ago I met someone else, and given the stance of not wanting a relationship, I went out with him and ended up in a relationship with him. I gave the first man every opportunity to stop it but he didn’t. Anyway, we broke up after a few months and the first man and I ended up back in touch. I made it clear at this point that I was only interested in being back in touch if we weren’t going to be seeing anyone else, which he agreed to.

Since then we’ve become closer and closer. I trust that he’s not, and is not interested in, seeing anyone else. He's supportive and caring (which it’s fair to say he wasn’t in our 20s). He’s thoughtful and kind. We go on holiday together and exchange Christmas and birthday presents. I have started to refer to him as my boyfriend, which he knows about and doesn’t seem bothered about.

He woukd still say we’re not in a relationship. I can’t see how this isn’t a relationship?

you clearly don’t want to hear the truth , he has told you and everyone else. That you are not in a relationship . If you are happy that’s fine , but don’t be delusional and accept it for what it is .
Doesn’t mean he won’t leave you in the further, when he does meet someone he wants to be in a relationship with . Just because he hasn’t done it yet . And all he has to say is I always told you we as not in a relationship.

Of course they are if that’s what both parties agree to.

I know loads of exclusive FWB who don’t want a full on relationship but don’t want casual sex.

FWB are whatever you agree they are.

I don’t know. I think he's got some sort of strange issue with the word. He’s happy to be faithful, to speak several times a day, see each other often, support me, obviously thinks about me frequently and buys me gifts he thinks I’d like, books holidays, confides in me. But he seems to have a strange issue with the word relationship. In moments of armchair psychologist moments I wonder if it is to do with his childhood.

If he wanted to be in a relationship with you he'd call it a relationship.

We’ve met each other’s friends and family a million times over many years.

I can’t imagine he’s flirting with any other women. It’s fair to say that he is not a player.

To get to the stage if entering a relationship with someone else suggests that neither of you were being faithful (other than sex itself).

Then it sounds like you’re happy with the arrangement.

Why did you start this thread? Obviously anyone can start a thread about anything but what prompted you to start this? Did you just want everyone to jump on and say “of course you’re boyfriend and girlfriend!”?

That’s not meant to come across as an accusation or rude. Genuinely what is it that makes you pause?

No problem, I was just musing about why he’s reluctant to say he’s in a relationship, but perfectly happy to act as if he’s in one.

How am I crawling after him, exactly?

Does he tell you he loves you.Do you say it to him.
When he introduces you to people does he say " Hi X this is my girlfriend Y" or does he fudge around it " Hi X this is Y" with no specific reference to what your status is.

You aren't in a relationship if the other person in the relationship doesn't think you are in a relationship with them.

You want to be in relationship but he doesn't. You can't make him be in a relationship just because you want to and define relationships by your standards. By his you're not. And if you're having are we/aren't we conversations and he knows what your standards are and still says he's not then really you need to listen to him and respect his wishes.

Anyone can leave someone for someone else.

I was just musing.

Does he love you?
Do you love him?
Ask him where he thinks your thing is going and what it'll be in 5 years time.
I think you need some clarity and to work out whether you're wasting your time on something that's going nowhere.

I wrote this thread about ten years ago. Didn’t listen to anyone then and you won’t now.

But the advice I’ll give you is the same I wish I’d listened to then: run, and don’t look back. If he thought enough of you he’d declare you to be his gf.

He tells me and shows me.

I’m not sure he’s ever introduced me to anyone in the past few years. I’m not sure what he’d say.

Have you asked him?

How does he refer to you when he speaks to friends/ colleagues etc.

Would he say I'm going to Chester with my girlfriend/ friend/ partner?

What is the difference between what we are doing, and what we are doing plus him using the word relationship? It doesn’t change anything, so I can’t see the difference.

Where else would it go though? We don’t want kids. We both own our own homes and are happy living alone

Oh, OP, you really are deluded. I wasn’t in a relationship with my FWB, I was single, so sexual ‘fidelity’ was the only relevant type of fidelity. I wasn’t dating because I wasn’t looking for a relationship. When I met my now -DH, I wasn’t looking, but I knew I’d found someone I was going to be serious about. I ended the second FWB situation before I’d even gone on the first date with him. No recriminations, or disappointment. He said ‘You know where I am if it doesn’t work out!’ and wished me luck.

Yes, quite a few times. He can never really answer.

I honestly don’t know, I’m obviously not there. He knows I refer to him as my boyfriend, but I don’t know what he does.

Okay?